DeSean's Involvement

Sorry, got cut off last night. Katie's pregnant. And I think we're taking a break again. This is getting to be too much for me. She says she doesn't love me the same way as I love her. :(

Can you guess who got her pregnant? DeSean. The guy who proposed to her. This all comes as a HUGE blow to me. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I always thought we'd get married and have kids. Now I know that that's practically impossible. I just can't stand to think of her doing to DeSean what I thought we'd only do. Nobody can probably tell, but I'm crying eternally inside. I realize now that me and Katie have a 25% chance of a future together. That knowledge is eating me up inside. I want to be able to hold Katie in my arms. To kiss her. To hug her. And I can't! Plus, she doesn't want to be emancipated. Does anyone fuckin' know what this is like!? Does anyone fuckin' know what it's like not to be able to show your love!? To not be able to hold someone when you're hurt!? I feel like curling up and dying. I cannot express my love for her enough just by saying it. I have to see her. I have to touch her. I have to kiss her. I always thought I would. Maybe not extremely soon, but soon enough. And so I always took comfort in that. But now that I know that it's practically impossible that it will happen. As of last night, we were "just friends". Yet this morning when I called her, we were back together. And then again before we hung up, we were friends again. That call lasted 8 minutes. 8 minutes! In 8 fucking minutes, I went from slightly depressed to incredibly happy, and then to incredibly depressed! I love her, and I will not do anything to hurt her. I jsut don't know how much I can take on this roller-coaster of emotion

Another thing that bothers me is that "we can be friends, but still say 'I love you' and stuff like that." What does that mean!? Why can't we be together then?

Maybe I should run away. If not, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my promise to her. Without her, my life is meaningless. I am nothing without her. Some people say you almost always break up with your first love. Why? So all people can go through misery? Oh, but you always find someone else! How the fuck am I supposed to? I never see any other girls. Maybe if mom would let me go to JWHS, I'd be a little more happy. And I most likely can't do long-distance again. Not unless I knew 100% that we would spend our lives together.

Because of this situation, I have to ask why God treats his people shit. Why does He give and take? Does He only care about Himself? Why does He cause me so much pain and suffering? IF ME AND KATIE AREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, THEN FUCKING END US ONCE AND FOR ALL! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!? God isn't all people make Him up to be. He's an asshole in my mind. Oh, He may care for other people and things, but I'm utterly convinced that He does not for me.