Everything’s Changing Now

I’m not exactly sure how accurate the title of this post is, but I’m listening to “Bonfire” by Third Eye Blind, right now, and it seemed to fit.

I’ve bought my laptop. I’m on it now, actually. I had to have it shipped next day, so I could make sure my mom wasn’t home when it was delivered. I didn’t want her knowing that I had it for as long as I could manage. I got it on the Friday before this last one (Jan. 22), and managed to hide it from her until the following Tuesday, when I took it to LFCC for some free wifi after I had taken my placement tests. Which I bombed on. Like, it’s a placement test, and you can’t fail. But I got a 32 (out of what I assume is 100), so I have to take Math 4, which is the equivalent of Algebra II. I didn’t have to take the reading or writing tests because I got over 500 on those when I took the SATs, which is good. Less prerequisite classes for me to take. I have to fill out some forms, though, and take them back to LFCC before they can review me for financial aid. I hope to do that tomorrow, but who knows. My mom wants to do it on Wednesday, when she has to go in to give her friend a ride, also. But I really need to get these in as soon as possible, so I can be sure that I’m able to start attending classes at the start of the second 8-week term.

I think I’ve figured out my major (I have to declare one in order to be eligible for aid). Graphic design! It’s actually the same thing Brandon’s taking, which kind of makes me feel like a copycat, or maybe that I’m subconsciously just wanting to be like him. Which isn’t bad at all, ‘cause he’s a good guy. But I want to make sure I’m doing this for myself, not to be someone else.

At first I chose computer graphics, but there’s a shitload of math involved, and math that’s beyond my capabilities, also. So I decided to go to graphic design, which isn’t so math-intensive. Lord Fairfax doesn’t offer a specific lead-in course for graphic design, so I’ll be doing Liberal Arts with a Fine Arts Specialization, which will prepare me for pretty much any four-year art degree I’ll be seeking. It’ll also help build my portfolio for when I transfer to another school.

I’ve started taking some new medicine called Concerta. It works a little differently than Strattera and Adderall, but the punch line is still the same. I’ve only been taking it for four days, so I’m not sure what to think of it. I guess I can focus a little bit more, but I hope it amps up a little bit. Dr. Duck said that if this one doesn’t work, I’d have to go to a neuropharmacologist or psychiatrist. I wouldn’t mind going to a psych, again. It’d be nice to be able to talk to someone about everything and not worrying about holding stuff back. But we’ll see.

Oh, and we’ve also gotten high speed. The owner (or manager, not sure) of Winchester Wireless called my mom last Monday and said that the day they came out to my place, they had set something to the wrong frequency, which is why it didn’t work for us. The same thing happened to three other places they went, and it ended up working when they went back with the right shit set up. So they came back to our place last Wednesday, and it worked! It’s so nice having it. I’ve been online a lot, downloading porn and trying to download some torrents. I’ve also been playing on the PS3, a lot. Mostly Killzone 2, but I also got on GTA IV and Burnout Paradise with Brandon, which was awesome. GTA IV doesn’t lend itself to online play, at least in my opinion, but it’s still good for some fun every once in a while. I’m really getting hooked on Killzone 2, though. I feel like my skill is fairly steadily improving, and it’s nice to see all the different ranks and awards you can get. All the stuff you can aim for. I’m still a pretty shitty player, though, haha.

Earlier this morning I got on to play, and I was just having an off time. I was hardly killing anyone, much less able to hit them with anything. In a pistols-only game with some damn good players, I kept getting owned constantly. It was two-on-two, and I guess it was friend against friend, then two random people (myself and some other guy). The two friends were talking to each other while playing, and the one on my team was like, “My teammate fucking sucks.” Then just a couple minutes later, after I was killed, the other friend said, “Oh look, one hit wonder!” ‘cause only one of my shots hit him before he nailed me.

Like, I know it makes me sound like a whiny bitch, but it really hurt, hearing those things said about me. I think what bothers me more, though, is the fact that it even affected me that much. I thought I had developed a pretty thick skin for that shit, but I guess I haven’t really had my self-esteem attacked like that to even know. I mean, I’m already getting over it. Those guys were assholes, and I was having an off time, like I said. But still… bah, Iunno.

I might try Metal Gear Online later, just for a change of pace. Or Modern Warfare 2, since Brandon just got that.

The Fitting

I got back about two hours ago from staying the weekend at Anne’s house. I went there for a tuxedo fitting, and I think the whole wedding party was there, minus one or two people. It was a great time, and I’m glad I went (as if I really had a choice, anyway, baha). One of Anne’s bridesmaids was like, super hot, and I think I kinda creeped her because I looked at her slightly more than everyone else, y’know? Like I didn’t hit on her or anything, but… Iunno.

Anyway, I was able to download a shitload of updates and demos on my PS3 while I was there, which was nice. I also got a bit of gay porn videos that Cisco (formerly known as Brandon) uploaded to my online hard drive. I’m encoding two of them, now, to put on my PSP and watch in a little bit.

Last night we all got a little drunk, myself for the first time. It’s a really strange sensation. Like you know you’re drunk, but you feel like you can still control your actions and stuff. I can definitely see the appeal to it, but I don’t think it’s anything I’d ever do on any kind of regular basis. Especially since the nausea just kicked in about an hour ago, and hasn’t really gone away since.

I was so confused while I was there. Like, I was really really happy because I felt like I was just having an awesome time with friends and shit, which I haven’t done in forever. But then in the back of my head I was thinking, “You have to go back to doing nothing all the time on Sunday; all this will go away by then.” It’s just like… I want that! I want friends to hang out and be stupid with, have memories with and shit. But instead I’m stuck in this fucking house with my family all the time, not able to truly be myself. It fucking angers me like no other. I want to get out!

Anne offered to let me visit hers and Lucas’s apartment for a weekend every so often, once they move into one. I’m going to take them up on it to get away from my mom/family, if not to visit them.

I also felt kind of out of place with everyone. Like they all knew each other real well. And like I said, they all had memories and stuff. But I was just kind of sitting there, politely smiling like an idiot while they discussed their lives. I don’t want to be them, or like them, because that’s not who I am. But I just want a circle of friends that I can hang out with and relate to things on, y’know?

Everyone there had someone there, also. Except for Lucas’s best man, Bradley. But even he had a girlfriend (or soon-to-be fiancé, I think). It was so depressing, looking around at amazing couples, and realizing just how lonely and empty your life has been for the past three+ years.

Last night when we went to the movies, afterwards we went to Uncle Julio’s for dinner. On the way there, Bradley was looking around and noticed that Christina and Tyran (I think that’s how you spell his name), and Lucas and Anne were holding hands or some other form of embrace, and then looked at me and laughed. He said, “I feel like we should be holding hands.” I replied, “Do you want to?” jokingly. He came by and we held hands, though, to be funny. It was funny, because I didn’t give a shit if anyone saw. Because I’m sure if someone did see, they’d assume we were two gay guys. Like, I don’t care about Bradley in any kind of way like that, but it was kind of a… revelation, I guess. I didn’t give a shit if anyone in public knew that I was gay, which really surprised me.

Also last night, when we were drunk, we watched A Perfect Getaway before we all went to bed. Beforehand, though, we were watching a preview for that movie (which Bradley was trying to get us all to watch), and a movie called Orphan, that Anne was campaigning for. During the preview of Orphan, I said that the chick in it looked hot. And then I said, “Whoever that guy is is hot, too.” (It was Peter Saarsgard). I realized like, two minutes later, just how gay it sounded, bahaha. I’m kind of wondering if Anne caught onto it, because she wasn’t drunk like the rest of us. Oh well. I’m kind of debating coming out to her, but I’m afraid, as well, that she might blab about it to people.

If I could sum the whole weekend up in one sentence, it’d be this: I can’t fucking stand my life, right now, and I wish it would change so I could actually have a circle of friends to have fun with.

Apparently, money's gonna stop me now

I’m not going to San Francisco in January, anymore. I was expecting to get a lot more in for financial aid, but I’m only getting enough to cover a little more than half the tuition. So, I’d have to apply for a loan, which would take four to six weeks to get approved. That would mean I’d be in San Francisco for at least two weeks (most likely more) before the loan got approved, assuming it would be. That’s too risky, even for my liking. I’m incredibly disappointed, but not for the reasons I thought I would be. It’s not so much the fact that I won’t be moving there, but that I won’t be leaving here. I’m afraid, also, of getting stuck in this damn town forever, like some of my other friends. It’s like if I don’t get out now, I never will. But I told this to my mom and brother, James, and they both said that if I was aware of that fact, then it wouldn’t happen to me. That made me feel a lot better about it.

So, now the plan is to either get into LFCC for the Spring 2010 semester (not very likely, considering orientation begins on January 6, and the staff doesn’t return from the holidays until January 4); or to find a job and save money until I can go to San Francisco next Fall under more stable circumstances. I could also begin at LFCC next Fall and transfer somewhere that I haven’t considered, yet. I really just have to play it by ear.

I honestly feel a little relieved, actually. The pressure’s off to get things done in an incredibly short amount of time. But I also hate sitting around here doing pretty much nothing. Or, at least, that’s what it feels like, since I’m going at a much slower pace, now.

In other news, Christmas was great! It was so amazing having everyone here for the first time in years. Lucas, James, and I got along real great. It was really weird, actually, haha. I’ve never thought of my family as one of those huge families that’s so close and laughs at everything, etc. But Lucas, James, and I were always making fun of each other and shit, and it really felt that way. I felt a little bad, though, because Andrew had to work on putting together his portfolio so he could start applying for jobs. My mom said that he said it was fine, it was just the situation he was in, and that he still had a good time. So I guess that’s alright.

I think this year was the best turnout, gift-wise, that I’ve had in… well, forever. I’ve never gotten so much stuff, ever. At least not stuff that was this expensive. What I got was:

• $20 from Aunt Linda
• $100 from Grandma Dot
• $300 from Grandma Millie
• Argyle Socks
• Batman: Arkham Asylum (Game)
• Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Game)
• Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader (Book)
• Dead Space (Game)
• Ender’s Game (Book)
• God of War: Collection (Game)
• Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (Game)
• Moose Poop Soap
• Plate made out of clay from Missy, with my hand imprinted on it, with Tilly’s pawprint inside of mine
• T-shirt from Lucas and Anne’s trip to Alaska that changes somehow when sunlight hits it
• T-shirt with Jawas on it that reads, “RECYCLING: It’s not just for Jawas!”

I also bought some stuff with the money I got from my grandmas, which totaled about $60 all-in-all:

• Burnout Paradise (Game)
• Clone Wars: The Complete Season One on Blu-Ray
• Darth Bane: Dynasty of Evil (Book)
• Dress shirt; plaid design with purple, gray, and black coloring
• The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Book)
• Tie; piano key design
• Tribes: Vengeance (Game)
• Vest; gray with white pinstripes

I’m going to try to upload two images to this post, but as has been evidenced in the past, I fail at doing such. :)

Oh, boy, what else is new? Oh! I’m not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I returned to LiveWire (I’m pretty sure I did in fact write about it). I made a new friend on there! Her name is Molly, and she’s pretty damn awesome. Cha. I’m totally looking forward to skyping with her when… (segway to next bit of news)

…we get high speed on Monday! My mom get really frustrated trying to shop for Christmas gifts on dial-up, and vowed to get high speed. She called Winchester Wireless last Tuesday, and they said we were within their area (just a mile from a tower, actually). The speed isn’t as fast as we could get with maybe cable, but it’s a shitload faster than satellite, and a hell of a lot cheaper, also. Still, we’ll be able to game online and load YouTube videos—all of the normal things people are doing these days on the interwebs! I’m super excited to finally be able to get online with my PS3.

And since we’re getting high speed, my mom’s excuse for not letting me get a laptop (trying to keep two laptops from tying up the phone line during the day) should be nulled. I haven’t brought it up with her, but whether it is or isn’t is irrelevant. I’m getting my laptop. After having some trouble with Tribes: Vengeance on this laptop because of its integrated graphics card, I’ve pretty much decided on getting something instead of a Dell Inspiron 15z. Someone on LiveWire recommended a HP Pavilion DV6-2144NR. It’s pretty beefy, components-wise, for a laptop, and it only weighs about 6.5 lbs. The battery life on it isn’t anything stellar, but I figured that most schools these days have outlets or something nearby to plug laptops into. If all else fails and I run out of battery… Well, then I’ll just have to do it old-school: pen and paper, yo.

The only thing that’s keeping me from definitely deciding on it is it’s hard drive: 320 GB. I was planning on getting one with 500 GB, because I need that extra space to store encoded movies for my PS3, and who knows what else I might need it for. But, if it’s unable to be upgraded to 500 GB, I may just get an external hard drive. Depends on how much those things are running, these days.