Well, I'm about to go to church in a little bit. I forgot to mention that Katie said she was sorry for what she did to me. And she said 'I love you' before me in the middle of our talk. And we said it again before we said good-bye. She mentioned that her grandparents didn't like me calling, and that I can only call once or twice a week. So since I talked to her yesterday, she said for me to either call today, or Wednesday. I chose Wednesday because (1) I won't be able to talk to her a whole lot today, and (2) I won't be able to talk to her later in the week. She also asked me to email her. I guess I should ask her when and on what days to call her, like a schedule (Sp?). Like every 3 days at 9pm her time, or something.
I haven't been able to check to see if Rachel wrote back yet. I hope she did. Otherwise, I might tell her how I feel.
My talk w/ Katie yesterday was great. A whole lot of laughs.
Sunday, October 30, 2005
A Dash of the Foreboding
Well, I got to talk to Katie at 9pm, (again, her time). We talked for 20 mins. It was cool, nothing bad or hurtful. Although she did say that she can't be in a relationship forever w/ one person, because she feels contrained. But she usually gets back together w/ the person. But if we break up again, it's over forever. Nothing back from Rachel yet.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Hopes
Yay! I had loads of fun last night at the Harvest. After, we went to Wal-Mart, and I got to play Xbox 360. While I was in there, Katie called Lucas' phone, but I wasn't in the car. So on the way home, she called again, and asked how my day was. I said "fine." I asked if I could call her back, and we got disconnected or something. So when I got home, I called back, and I woke her up. She asked how my day was again. Then she said call her back today. And then she said 'I love you' before me. So when I went inside, I got on LW, and there was a message from Rachel! She said she was on vacation, and she wasn't ignoring me. Hehe, she called me honey! And at the end she said "Love Rachel xx." I wonder if she has the same feelings form? Oh well. On the next page is the topic where we first met.
http://www.golivewire.com/forums/topic.cgi?topic=196626
I know, I know, it's not the ideal topic to meet someone. But isn't she great!? 'Till later in the day.
http://www.golivewire.com/forums/topic.cgi?topic=196626
I know, I know, it's not the ideal topic to meet someone. But isn't she great!? 'Till later in the day.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Harvest
Still no word from Katie. But like I've said, she doesn't get online in the morning before school. Too bad.
No word from Rachel, though she still hasn't been online for a while. Now I feel guilty for looking at her pictures again.
We got a thing called Harvest tonight at church. So I'll get to see the Fife's, the Hamilton's, and everybody else. I think we do worship, and then eat some food. Damn, that could mean I won't be able to call Katie. Hmmm. I guess I'll have to email her and tell her to call Lucas' phone at a certain time during Harvest. Or tell her that I might not be able to call her, but that I'll try.
No word from Rachel, though she still hasn't been online for a while. Now I feel guilty for looking at her pictures again.
We got a thing called Harvest tonight at church. So I'll get to see the Fife's, the Hamilton's, and everybody else. I think we do worship, and then eat some food. Damn, that could mean I won't be able to call Katie. Hmmm. I guess I'll have to email her and tell her to call Lucas' phone at a certain time during Harvest. Or tell her that I might not be able to call her, but that I'll try.
Shopping
Well, Katie said she loved me and doesn't want to be with Sean. I guess that's good. I'll try to call her tomorrow. She said Sean was "mixed", whatever that means.
We (Mom, Dad, and me) went into Northern Va. today. We went to George's surplus store in Annandale. I got size 7 boots, made out of canvas and leather. The BDU pants and jacket. A black tee shirt for under the BDU's, a pair of black tube socks, a blue belt for my dress blues and a green belt for my BDU, and another BDU jacket w/ the 82nd Airborne patch, a ranger patch, and the former soldier's jump wings! It's awesome.
We (Mom, Dad, and me) went into Northern Va. today. We went to George's surplus store in Annandale. I got size 7 boots, made out of canvas and leather. The BDU pants and jacket. A black tee shirt for under the BDU's, a pair of black tube socks, a blue belt for my dress blues and a green belt for my BDU, and another BDU jacket w/ the 82nd Airborne patch, a ranger patch, and the former soldier's jump wings! It's awesome.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Bible Reading
Still nothing from Katie. I'm guessing she didn't just have practice after school. D6 (Division_Six, another friend like Rev), said he was hoping she wouldn't have broken my heart. It's good to know other people care for me, just like I care about them.
Rachel hasn't written back yet, either. But I checked, and she hasn't been online since the 21st.
I guess that's it for now. I wish Katie would write back or call. I'd like to write something from the Bible:
And now I will show you the best way of all.
I may speak in different languages of people or even angels. But if I do not have love, I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge, and I may have faith so great I can move mountains. But even will all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and I may even give my body as an offering to be burned. But I gain nothing if I do not have love.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always remains strong.
Love never ends. There are gifts of prophecy, but they will be ended. There are gifts of speaking in different languages, but those gifts will stop. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will come to an end. The reason is that our knowledge and our ability to prophesy are not perfect. But when perfection comes, the things that are not perfect will end. When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I stopped those childish ways. It is the same with us. Now we see a dim reflection, as if we were looking into a mirror, but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully, as God has known me. So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Rachel hasn't written back yet, either. But I checked, and she hasn't been online since the 21st.
I guess that's it for now. I wish Katie would write back or call. I'd like to write something from the Bible:
And now I will show you the best way of all.
I may speak in different languages of people or even angels. But if I do not have love, I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge, and I may have faith so great I can move mountains. But even will all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and I may even give my body as an offering to be burned. But I gain nothing if I do not have love.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always remains strong.
Love never ends. There are gifts of prophecy, but they will be ended. There are gifts of speaking in different languages, but those gifts will stop. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will come to an end. The reason is that our knowledge and our ability to prophesy are not perfect. But when perfection comes, the things that are not perfect will end. When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I stopped those childish ways. It is the same with us. Now we see a dim reflection, as if we were looking into a mirror, but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully, as God has known me. So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Discontinued
Well, we ended up not going to No. Va. today. Most likely tomorrow.
No word from Rachel yet. Don't know if she's been on LW today, though I'll check later.
No word from Katie, either. But she usually doesn't get on before school now. Hopefully she'll get on after, which is in 30 mins. Or an hour and 30 mins if she has practice. I wonder what she'll say.
It's so beautiful outside right now. The sun is shining. The air is fresh and crisp from the recently arrived fall season. The leaves are beautiful w/ their many different colors. I just wish I had someone I loved to share it with.
No word from Rachel yet. Don't know if she's been on LW today, though I'll check later.
No word from Katie, either. But she usually doesn't get on before school now. Hopefully she'll get on after, which is in 30 mins. Or an hour and 30 mins if she has practice. I wonder what she'll say.
It's so beautiful outside right now. The sun is shining. The air is fresh and crisp from the recently arrived fall season. The leaves are beautiful w/ their many different colors. I just wish I had someone I loved to share it with.
Plans
You're not going to believe this! Well, maybe you will. Katie wants to get back together. Big surprise, eh? I said no. Not unless we both know we'll spend the rest of our lives together. Because I'm not setting myself up to be hurt again. Still waiting to see what she says.
Nothing from Rachel, yet. Though she hasn't been on LW in a couple days. So I guess that's ok.
Gotta go into Falls Church, Annandale, and lots of other places tomorrow, or rather today. Going to get my BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) for CAP. And I believe we're going to see an IMAX movie. Yay! Can't wait to see "Operation: Red Flag!"
Nothing from Rachel, yet. Though she hasn't been on LW in a couple days. So I guess that's ok.
Gotta go into Falls Church, Annandale, and lots of other places tomorrow, or rather today. Going to get my BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) for CAP. And I believe we're going to see an IMAX movie. Yay! Can't wait to see "Operation: Red Flag!"
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Horrible Joke
I printed out 3 pictures of Rachel and put them in my wallet. I don't know what it is about her that makes me go to her. She still hasn't replied yet. Hehe, I don't know if I can hold my promise to her. I guess I'll have to apologize, and then explain how I feel about her. Everything about her is so cute!
Here's what I emailed Katie to mess w/ her:
"Hey,
Just thought I'd email you one last time. I have to ask you some questions just so I know. First, how long have you been bullshitting me? Did you ever really love me, or did you just have fun playing with my emotions? Congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel like nothing. I hope you take pleasure in knowing what you did to me is why I'm killing myself."
Think I'm crazy for doing that?
People I've been PMing w/ are extremely nice and caring. One guy is really cool. He said that his ex called after not talking to 'im for a month. Apparently, her sister said she still likes him. He says it's good that I'll say "No" if Katie trys to get back together. I also told him about Rachel, and he thought it's pretty cool. 'Till later.
Here's what I emailed Katie to mess w/ her:
"Hey,
Just thought I'd email you one last time. I have to ask you some questions just so I know. First, how long have you been bullshitting me? Did you ever really love me, or did you just have fun playing with my emotions? Congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel like nothing. I hope you take pleasure in knowing what you did to me is why I'm killing myself."
Think I'm crazy for doing that?
People I've been PMing w/ are extremely nice and caring. One guy is really cool. He said that his ex called after not talking to 'im for a month. Apparently, her sister said she still likes him. He says it's good that I'll say "No" if Katie trys to get back together. I also told him about Rachel, and he thought it's pretty cool. 'Till later.
The Email That Could've Been Written Better
Here's the email from Katie:
"yes my baby daddy don't like me talkin to u an if u call me again im gettin my cell taken away so i cxan't talk tou except online so don't call me ok an i don't want to be with u srry love ya bye"
Pretty, isn't it? Stupid bitch. I hope she likes my email where I messed w/ her. This is just one of many things that convinced me that she never loved me. My reply to this one is on the next page.
Here we go:
"wow. could you have been anymore harsh? that really, really hurts me. i already told you that it hurt me when you said your "baby's daddy." why do you have to say it again? please ignore how incredibly pissy i'm being right now, but like i said, that really hurt. so i guess i'll never get to talk to you again. 'cause we can't talk on the phone, and i'm hardly ever online. i honestly thought we'd be together forever. god i'm such an idiot! and please don't give me that crap about how we might get together again. and trust me, i know it's crap. i know you love him, and he's very lucky. i only wish i could be him. i hope you two actually do get to live together forever and ever. i love you so much, so please don't make it any harder for me by trying to make us friends again, because it just won't work. especially since sean and your grandparents don't like me. i don't know if i can keep my promise to you now, either. you were my life. and now that i can't have you, i don't know what i'll do. i love you sooo much.
for all the times you've read me your poems when you didn't want to, i thought i'd return the favor by sending you one i wrote for you. though i know it's not anywhere near as good as anyone else's poems, especially yours.
She is all I have in life.
All I hold dear.
All I care about.
All I could not live without.
All I would die without.
She is all I love.
i'm so sorry for anything i've to ever, EVER hurt you. specifically this email. but i just had to right it, because these feelings have been stacking up inside me. i will always love you. i will always remember you. but i know that you don't love me, if at all, in nearly the same way. i can't believe it took us 10 months to figure that out. i just have one last question to ask you. why did you pretend to love me near the end, when you were going out with him? why didn't you just tell me straight out, instead of leading me along, lying to me?"
Nice, eh?
"yes my baby daddy don't like me talkin to u an if u call me again im gettin my cell taken away so i cxan't talk tou except online so don't call me ok an i don't want to be with u srry love ya bye"
Pretty, isn't it? Stupid bitch. I hope she likes my email where I messed w/ her. This is just one of many things that convinced me that she never loved me. My reply to this one is on the next page.
Here we go:
"wow. could you have been anymore harsh? that really, really hurts me. i already told you that it hurt me when you said your "baby's daddy." why do you have to say it again? please ignore how incredibly pissy i'm being right now, but like i said, that really hurt. so i guess i'll never get to talk to you again. 'cause we can't talk on the phone, and i'm hardly ever online. i honestly thought we'd be together forever. god i'm such an idiot! and please don't give me that crap about how we might get together again. and trust me, i know it's crap. i know you love him, and he's very lucky. i only wish i could be him. i hope you two actually do get to live together forever and ever. i love you so much, so please don't make it any harder for me by trying to make us friends again, because it just won't work. especially since sean and your grandparents don't like me. i don't know if i can keep my promise to you now, either. you were my life. and now that i can't have you, i don't know what i'll do. i love you sooo much.
for all the times you've read me your poems when you didn't want to, i thought i'd return the favor by sending you one i wrote for you. though i know it's not anywhere near as good as anyone else's poems, especially yours.
She is all I have in life.
All I hold dear.
All I care about.
All I could not live without.
All I would die without.
She is all I love.
i'm so sorry for anything i've to ever, EVER hurt you. specifically this email. but i just had to right it, because these feelings have been stacking up inside me. i will always love you. i will always remember you. but i know that you don't love me, if at all, in nearly the same way. i can't believe it took us 10 months to figure that out. i just have one last question to ask you. why did you pretend to love me near the end, when you were going out with him? why didn't you just tell me straight out, instead of leading me along, lying to me?"
Nice, eh?
Monday, October 24, 2005
My Resolve
Haven't gotten the chance to mess w/ Katie yet. Though I will. Everyone on LW is feeling for me. Almost all of them said I can PM them if I wanted to talk. I think I'll do that. Explain how I want to hold on to someone.
Rachel hasn't sent me anything in awhile. So I PMed her and said I liked what we were talking about. And I also said it'd be the last time I annoyed her if she didn't respond. Hehe, I asked if she thought I was a freak or something 'cause I keep PMing her.
I pray to God now that He provide me w/ someone in my arms very, very, very soon. Or let me and Rachel get together. She is my last try for a long-distance relationship. Otherwise, it'll be strictly people I can see face-to-face. I should be able to get online later.
Rachel hasn't sent me anything in awhile. So I PMed her and said I liked what we were talking about. And I also said it'd be the last time I annoyed her if she didn't respond. Hehe, I asked if she thought I was a freak or something 'cause I keep PMing her.
I pray to God now that He provide me w/ someone in my arms very, very, very soon. Or let me and Rachel get together. She is my last try for a long-distance relationship. Otherwise, it'll be strictly people I can see face-to-face. I should be able to get online later.
My Agenda
Well, I've decided that if Katie wants to get back together, I'll say "No". I'm not an idiot. Not an object she can toy with. I'm not setting myself up for to hurt me again. I can't fuckin' believe she lied to me this whole time. I wonder if everything was just shit. Everything. The dreams, the "baby's daddy," the love. That bitch. Dare I call her later to get her in trouble? think I'll send her an email later asking these questions:
>How long have you been bullshitting me?
>Did you ever really love me?
>Or did you just have fun playing w/ my feelings?
>What the hell is wrong w/ you?
>Congrats, you succeded in making me feel like nothing. I hope you're happy that you're the reason I killed myself.
Yep, I'm gonna toy w/ her emotions now.
>How long have you been bullshitting me?
>Did you ever really love me?
>Or did you just have fun playing w/ my feelings?
>What the hell is wrong w/ you?
>Congrats, you succeded in making me feel like nothing. I hope you're happy that you're the reason I killed myself.
Yep, I'm gonna toy w/ her emotions now.
False Sense of Care
At least people on LW care for me. I made a topic about how she dumped me, and how I needed a hug. So many people are showing compassion for me.
The Love That Is No More
Katie and I aren't together anymore. Turns out Sean didn't like me calling her. She was really a bitch in her email too. I'll try to print out her email and the one I replied to her with, and put them in here later.
[Image that no longer exists!]
^That's the picture I DID have up on my wall. I'm so fucking pissed at her right now. I'm convinced she never cared for me. Ever.
[Image that no longer exists!]
^That's the picture I DID have up on my wall. I'm so fucking pissed at her right now. I'm convinced she never cared for me. Ever.
It's All In the Lyrics
I never did call Katie earlier. I don't know why! I wanted to, I just didn't. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow and leave a message. I guess to kill time, I'll write out lyrics from songs that remind me of Katie:
>Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy:
"Everything that you are, Falls from the sky like a star."
>Slide:
"Could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel? I'll give you anything. To feel it comin'... I wanna wake up where you are. I won't say anything at all. So why don't you slide?.. Don't you love the life you killed? The priest is on the phone. Your father hits the wall. Your mother disowned you... And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete. Little pieces, Of a nothing, That fall. Put your arms around me. What you feel is what you are, And what you are is beautiful You wanna get married, And runaway."
>Black Ballon
"Baby's Black Balloon needs to fly. Almost fell into my whole in the night. And you were thinking 'bout tomorrow, 'Cause you were the same as me... How could I hae been the one? I saw the world swim beneath you, And scatter like ice from the spoon..."
More comin' some other time.
>Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy:
"Everything that you are, Falls from the sky like a star."
>Slide:
"Could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel? I'll give you anything. To feel it comin'... I wanna wake up where you are. I won't say anything at all. So why don't you slide?.. Don't you love the life you killed? The priest is on the phone. Your father hits the wall. Your mother disowned you... And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete. Little pieces, Of a nothing, That fall. Put your arms around me. What you feel is what you are, And what you are is beautiful You wanna get married, And runaway."
>Black Ballon
"Baby's Black Balloon needs to fly. Almost fell into my whole in the night. And you were thinking 'bout tomorrow, 'Cause you were the same as me... How could I hae been the one? I saw the world swim beneath you, And scatter like ice from the spoon..."
More comin' some other time.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
The Deliberation for a Phone Call
Fuck. Still no email from Katie. I think I'm gonna call her later tonight. Should I? She may think I just started not calling her, so I would forget her. One of the thoughts running through my head is that she got back together w/ Sean. But still, she didn't even say 'I love you' when I said it to her. Which also makes me not want to call her. It makes me want to wait for her to call me. I just don't know what to do. Maybe call her to tell 'er to get online, write me back, then she can call me back? I wonder... Rev (short for Revenant; one of my friends online), thinks my idea of waiting for to call me is a smart one. And he knows all the details of mine and Katie's realationship almost as much as I do. I think I'll call her and tell her to get online to check her emails.
Don't Speak
No calls from Katie yet. Still haven't been able to check my email. :( I guess I'll have to ask ask Anne to print out any emails from Katie, later. 'Till later.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
The Photo That Got Away
[Images that no longer exist!]
Isn't she great? I guess it is possible to love two different people! Of course, I do love Katie more! 'Till later.
Isn't she great? I guess it is possible to love two different people! Of course, I do love Katie more! 'Till later.
A Sliver of Hope
Still no word from Katie. Except she did try to call Lucas' cell from her friend's cell at around 3pm. Too bad I wasn't w/ the phone. I stayed home while they all went to a movie showing. I'll try to check my mail again later. No word from Rachel, though she is growing on me. Is that wrong? I'm so overwhelmed with joy that Katie still cared enough to call. Hopefully she's gotten online. Until then, I decided to put pictures of Rachel. They go from what I think to be good to best.
Crap, be right back. Gotta feed the dogs.
Crap, be right back. Gotta feed the dogs.
Theories
I had a pretty cool dream last night. I was on a train or bus or something (for a school trip) and I was laying down. So then this girl comes in and lays down with her back in my lap. She was so beautiful and her skin was so soft. Her hair was brunette, and it was shiny and smooth. It felt so good, and not in a sexual way, to have her in my lap. Problem is, I don't know who she is. It's not Katie, because she's a bit heavier. And it's not Rachel, 'cause she's a red-head. I think this dream could mean a number of things:
1. I really need someone to love me, and be in my arms.
2. She could've been a future girlfriend.
3. Mabe this girl in the CAP?
4. Me and Katie finally meet, and she loses some weight.
No word from Katie yet. I still have to check my inbox. Bye.
1. I really need someone to love me, and be in my arms.
2. She could've been a future girlfriend.
3. Mabe this girl in the CAP?
4. Me and Katie finally meet, and she loses some weight.
No word from Katie yet. I still have to check my inbox. Bye.
Friday, October 21, 2005
How To Be Unoriginal
No word from Katie yet. I've decided not to call her again until she calls me. I read something in Black Hawk Down today that I thought directly applied to mine and Katie's current situation. I copied it tothe computer and sent it to her in an email:
"Hey,
I miss you so much. I've said it probably a thousand times, but I want things to be different, and I know they will be. I love you so much! I can't say it stronger. I want you to love me with all your heart. I think you already do, but just in case I want to prove to you that I'm worth it. You're the most important person in my life. I'm not going to lose sight of this ever again. I want you to know that I want to grow old with you. I want you to realize this because I can't do it all by myself. I know most of the problems are me and I want to change. Anyways, I can't say it enough, but I want to start doing things about it. Though I hate to say it, I don't think I'll be able to call you for awhile. You can call me. But right now I think I'm to depressed to call you. Please don't blame yourself, because you're not the reason I'm depressed.
I love you with all my soul Katie,
Josh"
I couldn't find the right words to explain how I felt to her until I read that. I believe God put the book in my hands so I could find that. 'Till later.
"Hey,
I miss you so much. I've said it probably a thousand times, but I want things to be different, and I know they will be. I love you so much! I can't say it stronger. I want you to love me with all your heart. I think you already do, but just in case I want to prove to you that I'm worth it. You're the most important person in my life. I'm not going to lose sight of this ever again. I want you to know that I want to grow old with you. I want you to realize this because I can't do it all by myself. I know most of the problems are me and I want to change. Anyways, I can't say it enough, but I want to start doing things about it. Though I hate to say it, I don't think I'll be able to call you for awhile. You can call me. But right now I think I'm to depressed to call you. Please don't blame yourself, because you're not the reason I'm depressed.
I love you with all my soul Katie,
Josh"
I couldn't find the right words to explain how I felt to her until I read that. I believe God put the book in my hands so I could find that. 'Till later.
Give It To Me Straight
When she didn't say 'I love you' back, my thinking she doesn't want to be w/ me increased. I just wish she'd come out and tell me, if she would rather be with someone else. I can't take this anymore. I have to know. I sent her an email, and it was kinda like this:
"Katie, this probably won't make any sense to you. But I felt so terrible today, that I felt like writing this.
"I'm sorry for everything. For some reason, I get the feeling that you'd rather be with someone else. If you do, I wish you'd just tell me. I think you'd be better off without me. I love you so much."
I feel like shit. I feel like any day now could be the last day of my life. I gotta go help Lucas w/ something, be right back.
"Katie, this probably won't make any sense to you. But I felt so terrible today, that I felt like writing this.
"I'm sorry for everything. For some reason, I get the feeling that you'd rather be with someone else. If you do, I wish you'd just tell me. I think you'd be better off without me. I love you so much."
I feel like shit. I feel like any day now could be the last day of my life. I gotta go help Lucas w/ something, be right back.
Siamese Emotions
I'm so fuckin' pissed and depressed right now. I'm pissed at Mariah. I'm depressed because when I said 'I love you' today to Katie, she didn't even say it back. She just said bye. I gotta go, Mom's being a bitch.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Gone Before I Knew It
Well, I just got off the phone w/ Katie. She was doin' algebra homework. She had a good time when she went out for dinner. She also said that someone didn't like me calling, so I don't know what'll happen. I didn't quite hear who she said didn't like my calls. That disappoints me a lot 'cause I'm afraid we might not be able to talk on the phone anymore. :( All I can do is pray. I'll ask her tomorrow who didn't like my calling, and see if we can get around it.
No word, or email, from her yet, 'cause she hasn't been online lately. I'll also ask her to get online tomorrow.
I'm also really disappointed because she said bye, then I said "Alright, I love you." But she was already gone. I guess I'll have to send her another email.
No word, or email, from her yet, 'cause she hasn't been online lately. I'll also ask her to get online tomorrow.
I'm also really disappointed because she said bye, then I said "Alright, I love you." But she was already gone. I guess I'll have to send her another email.
Short Update
Damn, haven't been able to get online yet. Lucas had to do his science, but mom said I could get on right after to check. So I'd say by 2:30pm I should know. Damn it! I just can't wait! Talk to you later. 3 hrs, 7mins 'till I call Katie!
Explaining Things to Deaf Ears
Damn, I haven't even done any school yet. Oh well, I'll have to stop at one point today to cut my hair and take a shower before I go to the CAP meeting.
Man, I can't wait to see what Katie wrote me back if she got online this morning. I hope it didn't piss her off. God knows I didn't mean it to. I should be checking it soon, because I have to check my email to see if he History Channel Club wrote me back about something. So maybe in about 30 minutes I should know what Katie wrote back! Yay! I can't wait. There was important stuff in that email: I asked if she ever has dreams of us anymore. If she thinks we'll spend the rest of our lives together. If she thinks I'll ever be one of her baby's daddy. I also explained how I was hurt when she said, "I got high with my baby's daddy." And I told her about her driving up here w/ Sarah and Jake and pick me up and we all go to Canada. I also suggested that she come up here or I go down there on Christmas vacation or during the summer. And I said she could call me at anytime. I just have to see what she said to all that. 5hrs 'till I call Katie!
Man, I can't wait to see what Katie wrote me back if she got online this morning. I hope it didn't piss her off. God knows I didn't mean it to. I should be checking it soon, because I have to check my email to see if he History Channel Club wrote me back about something. So maybe in about 30 minutes I should know what Katie wrote back! Yay! I can't wait. There was important stuff in that email: I asked if she ever has dreams of us anymore. If she thinks we'll spend the rest of our lives together. If she thinks I'll ever be one of her baby's daddy. I also explained how I was hurt when she said, "I got high with my baby's daddy." And I told her about her driving up here w/ Sarah and Jake and pick me up and we all go to Canada. I also suggested that she come up here or I go down there on Christmas vacation or during the summer. And I said she could call me at anytime. I just have to see what she said to all that. 5hrs 'till I call Katie!
Shower Much?
So I just got off the phone w/ Katie about 10 mins ago. It was a good call. She had actually just been laying there for awhile. Her cold's gone, so that's good. She's goin' out to dinner tonight with some friends. Not Sean, which I was glad to hear. Hehe, she took 4 showers yesterday. At first she wasn't gonna take one. Then she changed her mind. So she had to go, 'cause she had around an hour to take a shower, do her hair and make-up, and eat. She said call her later. Then we said our good-byes. With no 'I love you'. But that's ok, 'cause we said it in the middle of the call. Well, I got school to do, so more later.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Fluctuation
Well, it turns out that Katie was getting high earlier when I called. Me asking her to promise to stop didn't go over too well. She assured me that she only does it every 6 months or so, so I guess that's ok for now. She said she was goin' to a fair on Friday and Saturday, with Sean, Dira, and lots of other people.
The most painful thing during the call was that she "got high with her baby's daddy." That just tore me up inside.
Though when I asked when she wanted me to call tomorrow she said: "I don't care, I just want you to call." That made me feel extremely good. But she asked me where I thought we were, and I said I thought we were together. I said, "Do you want to be together?" And she said, "I don't know. I don't know what I want." So we're together. How is it possible to be so happy and so depressed at the same time? Maybe we should arrange for me or her to go visit the other around Christmas or in the summer.
I should note that our call went in this order:
>Drug part / Daddy part
>Together part
>Call time part
So it got better, not worst, as we got talking. I guess I'll try her at 6:30am tomorrow. 9hrs and 50 mins 'till I call Katie!
The most painful thing during the call was that she "got high with her baby's daddy." That just tore me up inside.
Though when I asked when she wanted me to call tomorrow she said: "I don't care, I just want you to call." That made me feel extremely good. But she asked me where I thought we were, and I said I thought we were together. I said, "Do you want to be together?" And she said, "I don't know. I don't know what I want." So we're together. How is it possible to be so happy and so depressed at the same time? Maybe we should arrange for me or her to go visit the other around Christmas or in the summer.
I should note that our call went in this order:
>Drug part / Daddy part
>Together part
>Call time part
So it got better, not worst, as we got talking. I guess I'll try her at 6:30am tomorrow. 9hrs and 50 mins 'till I call Katie!
Paranoia
So I just called Katie at 5:10, and she said call back later. So we decided on 5pm. Though I feel weird, 'cause she said she was busy, and DeSean was there. :(. Hopefully I'm just being really paranoid. She really can't do anything anyway, since she's pregnant.
Who Wants Sausage?
Horray! I got to talk to Katie this mornin! Though not at 6:30am (from now on, when I refer to a call time, it will always be here time). 'Cause she was in the shower. So I tried a couple times, with no answer. Then she calls back on Lucas' phone. And Lucas doesn't even tell me! Errrgh! Thank God I changed her ring tone, so I can tell if it's her, or someone else. And thank God I heard it. So I called her back, and we talked for 5 minutes. She was getting dressed when I called. So I asked if she had breakfast, she said no. I asked what she was having, she said "one piece of sausage." Haha, she needs more than that! (sausage has no hidden meaning, by the way.) Plus, she said her cold was getting worst. She has to stay home. But she won't. Obviously, she wants to do the best she can in school. Anywho, she said call at 4pm, so I will! More coming later.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Dreamy
Just got off the phone with Katie. She was half asleep during the whole call, so she must've been really worn out from school, practice, and the meeting. My poor girl! So I asked her about her day and all, and she said nothing out of the ordinary happened. Haha, I asked if she got any homework, and she said no. Then she asked me if I got homework! We both laughed, and I said "Yeah, a whole days worth." It was really funny. And it made me happier. We were both having a good time, and since then it's as if nothing else matters. So once she said she was half-asleep, I said she'd better get to bed, and she said "Yep." After, I asked if I could call tomorrow, and she said yes, and agreed on 6:30 (her time). So I said 'I love you' and she said 'I love you too." Then we said our good-bye's, and now I'm here. God I love that girl! I thank God every day for her and for answering my prayers. 9 more hours 'till I call Katie!
To Play A Guitar
Wow, I can't believe it's almost 5pm. I've been looking a lot at the pictures of Katie today. Everytime I do, I imagine us in a car driving on a freeway, the wind in our hair, laughing and having a great time. I can't wait 'till that day comes! No matter how unrealistic her plan sounds, I still think it's very possible.
I've decided to learn how to play the guitar. The first songs I'm going to learn? All of 'em are below:
Wake for Young Souls - 3EB
Crystal Baller - 3EB
Forget Myself - 3EB
Blinded (When I See You) - 3EB
Gotta go! 5hrs and 1 min. 'till I call Katie!
I've decided to learn how to play the guitar. The first songs I'm going to learn? All of 'em are below:
Wake for Young Souls - 3EB
Crystal Baller - 3EB
Forget Myself - 3EB
Blinded (When I See You) - 3EB
Gotta go! 5hrs and 1 min. 'till I call Katie!
The First Road Trip
Yay! I just remembered! Katie has to be 16 to be emancipated, but she's always saying she's gonna drive up here once she's 16 and has a liscense. She's gonna come w/ Sarah, and pick up Jake (Sarah's boyfriend) in North Carolina, then pick me up, and we're all gonna go to Canada. Haha, I can't believe I forgot about that! Forget emancipation, 'cause that'll take a year or more to go through! Getting her learner's and liscense should only take a couple months! Horray! 10 more hours 'till I call Katie! Bye.
Rearrangement
Okey doke, here I am again. I did english and history for school already. I also rearranged everything on my top bunk. The boombox is on the corner, on top of the right speaker, w/ the left speaker on the left side of my pillow. The small TV is on top of the left speaker. All my books are on a shelf w/ the stero. (Lucas'). And my picture of Katie is no longer hidden behind the calendar. Now it is on the wall, hanging above my head. It's not easily seen, bit if anyone cared to lean this way or that, they'd be able to. I think I'll rearrange my other stuff hanging up. 10 hours, 47 minutes 'till I call Katie! Bue.
Guilty as Charged
I don't know why, but for some reason I'm feeling depressed. I called Katie at 6:30 (her time), and she was getting dressed for school. So I guess her grandpa woke her up. Unfortunately, she has practice after school, and then a meeting (probably a thing at school that'll last awhile), so she said call at 9pm her time. The great thing about Katie (among lots of others), is that when she says for me to call her, she means it. She's not just doing it to please me. So I know she wants me to call.
Maybe I feel depressed for talking to Rachel on LW. For saving her picture to the computer. I believe this is all it. I'm doing exactly what I suspected Katie of doing! God I'm an asshole! Why do I do it!? Maybe because it makes me feel good to know that I can please other girls? I don't know. But I'm gonna try to stay as uninvolved w/ Rachel as I can until we just stop sending PMs. I should've taken the chance yesterday. That's all for now. Bye.
Maybe I feel depressed for talking to Rachel on LW. For saving her picture to the computer. I believe this is all it. I'm doing exactly what I suspected Katie of doing! God I'm an asshole! Why do I do it!? Maybe because it makes me feel good to know that I can please other girls? I don't know. But I'm gonna try to stay as uninvolved w/ Rachel as I can until we just stop sending PMs. I should've taken the chance yesterday. That's all for now. Bye.
Monday, October 17, 2005
A Case of the Goods
Back. I had to bring the other dogs in. Anyway, I was trying to get a hold of Katie, but I didn't. But when I called at 9pm (her time), she answered. 'Cept she was busy w/ homework, and couldn't talk. I asked if I could call tomorrow morning, and I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was somewhere along the lines of "Of course!". That made me feel really good. So I'll call her tomorrow morning at 6:30am (her time). I best be getting to bed. Buh-bye.
Et Cetera
Damn, no answer. I'll try again at 6:30. Probably in the shower, after getting worked out at practice. Damn it I can't wait to talk to her! To just find out about her day. What she got for homework. Help her with homework. Etc., etc., etc. To profess my love to her again and again. Just to hear her sweet voice. Well, I'm bored again, so I think I'll just lay hear listening to music for as long as I can. Later!
Countdown
Had to take the dogs out to pee. 6 mins... 5 mins 'till I call Katie... 4 mins... 3 mins... 2 mins... 1 min... Time to call Katie! Bye!
Conspiratorial Friends?
Damn, Lucas took his CD wallet. Guess I'll put in Foo Fighters. Over and Out is the only song I like on this one of their discs. Here we go... now it's playing.
Katie. I love her. Secretly I think her friends may be convincing her to dump me. That is, her male friends. The ones who also want to be with her. I know her girlfriends like me. Or atleast they pretend to. Be back in a sec, mom's calling me.
Katie. I love her. Secretly I think her friends may be convincing her to dump me. That is, her male friends. The ones who also want to be with her. I know her girlfriends like me. Or atleast they pretend to. Be back in a sec, mom's calling me.
Change the CD
Tried to call Katie at 4, w/ no answer. I think she has practice today, but I thought it'd be worth a try. I'm gonna try again at 5:30, 'cause I think she'll be home then. Man I'm bored. I already did history, english, & spanish. Be right be, gonna go get another CD w/ 3EB on it.
Shaved It Up
Hey, thought I'd put a couple pictures of Katie in here. After all, she's the subject of this whole journal. They're on the next page.
[Images that no longer exist!]
Isn't she perfect? I have one more picture, but it's the best one, so I'm saving it for me. :D I told you before, and I'll say it again; she's an angel. Both in spirit and in her physical features. I'm blessed from God.
About that other picture. It's on my wall. Hidden behind a calendar I printed out. All I have to do is lift up the paper calendar, and there she is! I can't believe how lucky I am to even know her.
Well, I took a 30 minute shower today (wink, wink). I shaved, if you catch my drift. I can't believe that still turns me on. Though I was thinking of Katie the whole time. If only I'd been with her then, I would've made love to her. Baby smooth shave. Mom's calling, gotta go!
[Images that no longer exist!]
Isn't she perfect? I have one more picture, but it's the best one, so I'm saving it for me. :D I told you before, and I'll say it again; she's an angel. Both in spirit and in her physical features. I'm blessed from God.
About that other picture. It's on my wall. Hidden behind a calendar I printed out. All I have to do is lift up the paper calendar, and there she is! I can't believe how lucky I am to even know her.
Well, I took a 30 minute shower today (wink, wink). I shaved, if you catch my drift. I can't believe that still turns me on. Though I was thinking of Katie the whole time. If only I'd been with her then, I would've made love to her. Baby smooth shave. Mom's calling, gotta go!
It's Back On
Guess what?! Katie and I are back together! I'm so happy, and thank God for His miracle. May He forever bless me and Katie. May we forever be together. Good night.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
To Write a Letter
Well, Katie was in trouble when I called about 15 minutes ago, so she couldn't talk. She said call her in the morning. I'm sure you're tired of me talking about her entry after entry. But she is my life. I pray to God that He knows there is nothing more I want in life than to be able to hold her. Nothing. Not all the money, cars, girls, friends, or family in the world. All I want is her! Katie, my angel. An angel from God. The greatest angel in Heaven and earth. I honestly don't know what to write right now. I can never explain how special she is to me. If we grow apart, I don't know what I'd do. Though I do know one thing. I will never forget her. If we do, I hope she is happy w/ her man. That he doesn't mistreat her in any way. Most of all, I hope he's better than me. I don't want him to cause her pain that I've already inflicted upon her. Maybe I should write her a letter explaining my feelings to her. Not to make her feel guilty, or take me back, but just to let her know. I think I will.
Dissolve
I actually didn't have to go. I wish I could lay down and wake up w/ Katie in my arms. All my problems would just disolve. I'm worn out. I'm going to lay down, listen to songs of Katie, and hope God will put her in my arms soon.
Introduction of Rachel
Rachel. That is the name of a girl I've been PMing (private messaging) back and forth on the LW (LiveWire) forums. She's sweet and cute and nice. I think it may be just a crush, but it is also possible that it's love. I really like her, but she lives in England.
I feel so horribly guilty, cause I feel like I'm betraying Katie. I can't bear this weight on my soul. And I don't think I can ask God for help. After all, He's punishing me for something i've done. What it is I don't know. Is it possible to love two people? I'm afraid that's what has happened, because I still love my dear Katie, yet feel somewhat a little better because I think me and Rachel love each other too. Is that wrong? Again, I cannot take all this weight on my soul. In case anyone cares, I was actually tearing up during my last entry. I hope God takes plesure in knowing that he's succeded in ruining my life.
Be back in a couple minutes...
I feel so horribly guilty, cause I feel like I'm betraying Katie. I can't bear this weight on my soul. And I don't think I can ask God for help. After all, He's punishing me for something i've done. What it is I don't know. Is it possible to love two people? I'm afraid that's what has happened, because I still love my dear Katie, yet feel somewhat a little better because I think me and Rachel love each other too. Is that wrong? Again, I cannot take all this weight on my soul. In case anyone cares, I was actually tearing up during my last entry. I hope God takes plesure in knowing that he's succeded in ruining my life.
Be back in a couple minutes...
DeSean's Involvement
Sorry, got cut off last night. Katie's pregnant. And I think we're taking a break again. This is getting to be too much for me. She says she doesn't love me the same way as I love her. :(
Can you guess who got her pregnant? DeSean. The guy who proposed to her. This all comes as a HUGE blow to me. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I always thought we'd get married and have kids. Now I know that that's practically impossible. I just can't stand to think of her doing to DeSean what I thought we'd only do. Nobody can probably tell, but I'm crying eternally inside. I realize now that me and Katie have a 25% chance of a future together. That knowledge is eating me up inside. I want to be able to hold Katie in my arms. To kiss her. To hug her. And I can't! Plus, she doesn't want to be emancipated. Does anyone fuckin' know what this is like!? Does anyone fuckin' know what it's like not to be able to show your love!? To not be able to hold someone when you're hurt!? I feel like curling up and dying. I cannot express my love for her enough just by saying it. I have to see her. I have to touch her. I have to kiss her. I always thought I would. Maybe not extremely soon, but soon enough. And so I always took comfort in that. But now that I know that it's practically impossible that it will happen. As of last night, we were "just friends". Yet this morning when I called her, we were back together. And then again before we hung up, we were friends again. That call lasted 8 minutes. 8 minutes! In 8 fucking minutes, I went from slightly depressed to incredibly happy, and then to incredibly depressed! I love her, and I will not do anything to hurt her. I jsut don't know how much I can take on this roller-coaster of emotion
Another thing that bothers me is that "we can be friends, but still say 'I love you' and stuff like that." What does that mean!? Why can't we be together then?
Maybe I should run away. If not, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my promise to her. Without her, my life is meaningless. I am nothing without her. Some people say you almost always break up with your first love. Why? So all people can go through misery? Oh, but you always find someone else! How the fuck am I supposed to? I never see any other girls. Maybe if mom would let me go to JWHS, I'd be a little more happy. And I most likely can't do long-distance again. Not unless I knew 100% that we would spend our lives together.
Because of this situation, I have to ask why God treats his people shit. Why does He give and take? Does He only care about Himself? Why does He cause me so much pain and suffering? IF ME AND KATIE AREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, THEN FUCKING END US ONCE AND FOR ALL! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!? God isn't all people make Him up to be. He's an asshole in my mind. Oh, He may care for other people and things, but I'm utterly convinced that He does not for me.
Can you guess who got her pregnant? DeSean. The guy who proposed to her. This all comes as a HUGE blow to me. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I always thought we'd get married and have kids. Now I know that that's practically impossible. I just can't stand to think of her doing to DeSean what I thought we'd only do. Nobody can probably tell, but I'm crying eternally inside. I realize now that me and Katie have a 25% chance of a future together. That knowledge is eating me up inside. I want to be able to hold Katie in my arms. To kiss her. To hug her. And I can't! Plus, she doesn't want to be emancipated. Does anyone fuckin' know what this is like!? Does anyone fuckin' know what it's like not to be able to show your love!? To not be able to hold someone when you're hurt!? I feel like curling up and dying. I cannot express my love for her enough just by saying it. I have to see her. I have to touch her. I have to kiss her. I always thought I would. Maybe not extremely soon, but soon enough. And so I always took comfort in that. But now that I know that it's practically impossible that it will happen. As of last night, we were "just friends". Yet this morning when I called her, we were back together. And then again before we hung up, we were friends again. That call lasted 8 minutes. 8 minutes! In 8 fucking minutes, I went from slightly depressed to incredibly happy, and then to incredibly depressed! I love her, and I will not do anything to hurt her. I jsut don't know how much I can take on this roller-coaster of emotion
Another thing that bothers me is that "we can be friends, but still say 'I love you' and stuff like that." What does that mean!? Why can't we be together then?
Maybe I should run away. If not, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my promise to her. Without her, my life is meaningless. I am nothing without her. Some people say you almost always break up with your first love. Why? So all people can go through misery? Oh, but you always find someone else! How the fuck am I supposed to? I never see any other girls. Maybe if mom would let me go to JWHS, I'd be a little more happy. And I most likely can't do long-distance again. Not unless I knew 100% that we would spend our lives together.
Because of this situation, I have to ask why God treats his people shit. Why does He give and take? Does He only care about Himself? Why does He cause me so much pain and suffering? IF ME AND KATIE AREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, THEN FUCKING END US ONCE AND FOR ALL! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!? God isn't all people make Him up to be. He's an asshole in my mind. Oh, He may care for other people and things, but I'm utterly convinced that He does not for me.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Friday, October 14, 2005
Contacting the Attorney General
Sadly, I didn't get to talk to Katie this morning. I called at 6:30, and she didn't answer, so I tried again 5mins later. With no answer. I think she was probably in the shower or eating. Anyway, I emailed her today, so I should be getting a reply before I have to go to youth group. Unless she goes to the game. I hope she has a good time if she does.
I posted on the LiveWire forums about Katie emancipating herself. People seem to think it's a worthy cause, and not pointless. But unfortunately, it seems she has to be 16 to get emancipated. But I'm gonna email the Escambia County attorney and him some questions:
>How old do you have to be (at the minimum) to emancipate yourself in Fl.
>Can the emancipated child be adopted, or must the child simply move in w/ a new family?
>Are verbal abuse and not taking the child to a doctor for prescribed drugs enough for emancipating oneself, or possibly going to a foster family?
>Can the child choose the foster family?
>Can the foster family live in a different state?
>Or must the elligible family be in Florida?
>How long does the process of emancipation usually take, from start to finish?
>How strong must the evidence of verbal abuse and failure to care for the child properly be?
>Once emancipated, will the child have to attend public school?
>If child requests education, but unable to attend school since being emancipated, be "un-emancipated"?
>Will the "un-emancipated" child be forced to return to his legal guardian/parents?
>Or put up for adoption?
That's all I can think of right now, but I'll let you know what the attorney says.
I posted on the LiveWire forums about Katie emancipating herself. People seem to think it's a worthy cause, and not pointless. But unfortunately, it seems she has to be 16 to get emancipated. But I'm gonna email the Escambia County attorney and him some questions:
>How old do you have to be (at the minimum) to emancipate yourself in Fl.
>Can the emancipated child be adopted, or must the child simply move in w/ a new family?
>Are verbal abuse and not taking the child to a doctor for prescribed drugs enough for emancipating oneself, or possibly going to a foster family?
>Can the child choose the foster family?
>Can the foster family live in a different state?
>Or must the elligible family be in Florida?
>How long does the process of emancipation usually take, from start to finish?
>How strong must the evidence of verbal abuse and failure to care for the child properly be?
>Once emancipated, will the child have to attend public school?
>If child requests education, but unable to attend school since being emancipated, be "un-emancipated"?
>Will the "un-emancipated" child be forced to return to his legal guardian/parents?
>Or put up for adoption?
That's all I can think of right now, but I'll let you know what the attorney says.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Disturbed Her
...Sorry, I got sidetracked when I went to feed the dogs. Any who, I just got off the phone w/ Katie at 10:43. I felt so bad because she was hurting again, and trying to get to sleep. So I disturbed her. So after she said all that (excluding the disturbed part), we agreed that I'd call her tomorrow at 6:30am her time. Again, she didn't say 'I love you' at the end, probably because she was tired, and she was hurrying. But it's ok; I know she loves me, and she knows I love her. I wonder if she feels the same as me when I don't say 'I love you'? Hmmm... Well, for the first time (and possibly only time), I will mention something else.
I went to my 4th or 5th CAP (Civil Air Patrol - Air Force Auxilliary) and it was pretty cool. I'm almost 100% sure that I'll join. Then it'll be me, Evan, and Ian, all in CAP. But enough about that. ( :) )
I'm really looking forward to talking to Katie in 8 1/2 hours. I pray to God that she'll be able to talk for atleast 15mins, or if not that, then a whole lot of talking on Saturday. Good night....
I went to my 4th or 5th CAP (Civil Air Patrol - Air Force Auxilliary) and it was pretty cool. I'm almost 100% sure that I'll join. Then it'll be me, Evan, and Ian, all in CAP. But enough about that. ( :) )
I'm really looking forward to talking to Katie in 8 1/2 hours. I pray to God that she'll be able to talk for atleast 15mins, or if not that, then a whole lot of talking on Saturday. Good night....
Fourty-seven Seconds
Well I just got off the phone with Katie about 10mins ago. She was doing her homework for spelling class. She had to write 50 sentences with a list of 25 words. Anyway, the call only lasted 47secs., but it was better than most. Mostly because she said 'I love you' before me when we hung up. Be right back, gotta feed the dogs...
Why She Left Him
After reading my 10/5 entry, I realized that Katie left DeSean because she'd be happier w/ me, and because she loves me. That makes me feel a whole lot happier!
No Word
Still no word from Katie. But she could've decided to go to volleyball practice after school. Or w/ her grandparents to a restaraunt.
Sarah (her friend) isn't on MSN, so my best bet is probably practice. Maybe she'll call before I have to go to my CAP meeting at 6pm. Or hopefully when I get home. Or, y et again, if I take Lucas' cell. She can call me at 8:30, rather than 9pm. God I need to talk to her. I'm going mad! I can't even imagine what life'll be like if I were to not be with her. I need her. I can't live without her. I hope to talk to her for more than 7mins, like this morning. Maybe even more than 30mins. PLEASE GOD! MAKE A WAY FOR HER TO CALL!
Sarah (her friend) isn't on MSN, so my best bet is probably practice. Maybe she'll call before I have to go to my CAP meeting at 6pm. Or hopefully when I get home. Or, y et again, if I take Lucas' cell. She can call me at 8:30, rather than 9pm. God I need to talk to her. I'm going mad! I can't even imagine what life'll be like if I were to not be with her. I need her. I can't live without her. I hope to talk to her for more than 7mins, like this morning. Maybe even more than 30mins. PLEASE GOD! MAKE A WAY FOR HER TO CALL!
The Options
...Back. Mom called to do something. Anyway, hopefully (again), I'll get to talk to Katie tonight. First thing, after talking about her day, is to ask her to stop her drug use. Atleast to try to stop. At the least, the very least, to stop doing coke. I'll have to work on pot and alcohol after she quits coke. Maybe, just maybe, since no one down there in Pensaola will help her, she'll change her mind, or I'll convince her, to come up here to me and my family. Oh, just the thought of that makes me happier. If she tells me she can't stop because of depression (bipoloar in her case), then I will let her know she is not alone. I am exactly the same. I'll help her stop no matter what it takes.
But being 1,000 miles apart certainly doesn't help! Still, I can give it my all. Anything for my angel. Lots of people are affected by depression, and just me being one of those people alongside with her will help that much more. There're other things than drugs, illegal ones, to help with depression. If her doctor won't give any meds, and her grandparents (whom are coming home today, by the way) or dad won't take her, I'm afraid our options will seriously decrease. Here are what I've thought if this happens:
>She moves in with me. (requires emancipation)
>She gets a new boyfriend who can help better.
>She finds her own wayst to stop and treat her depression.
>She emancipate's herself and moves in w/ a foster family.
>Possibly stop being friends with drug-users.
>I help her
>She stops because I ask it of her if she loves me.
That's all I can think of right now. But what else could there be? I'll make a list stuff to do to get this going.
>Check what the emancipation age is for Pensacola, Fl or Excambia County, Fl.
>Talk to Katie about all this.
>Check out each of the following:
Depression
>http://www.keirsey.com/cgi-bin/keirsey/mewkts.cgi
>http://www.mhsource/com/
>http://www.teachhealth.com/
>http://www.self-worth.com/
First Aid for Drugs
>firstsaid.ie.er.org/
>rmstewart.uthscsa.edu/
>http://www.trauma.lsumc.edu/
Overcoming Addiction
>http://www.nida.nih.gov/
>Learn from all the sites above.
>Maybe talk to mom about it all.
Hopefully this all will help. I certainly hope so. Even just a little. I'll pray to God about it every night until Katie is happy. Fill you in later.
But being 1,000 miles apart certainly doesn't help! Still, I can give it my all. Anything for my angel. Lots of people are affected by depression, and just me being one of those people alongside with her will help that much more. There're other things than drugs, illegal ones, to help with depression. If her doctor won't give any meds, and her grandparents (whom are coming home today, by the way) or dad won't take her, I'm afraid our options will seriously decrease. Here are what I've thought if this happens:
>She moves in with me. (requires emancipation)
>She gets a new boyfriend who can help better.
>She finds her own wayst to stop and treat her depression.
>She emancipate's herself and moves in w/ a foster family.
>Possibly stop being friends with drug-users.
>I help her
>She stops because I ask it of her if she loves me.
That's all I can think of right now. But what else could there be? I'll make a list stuff to do to get this going.
>Check what the emancipation age is for Pensacola, Fl or Excambia County, Fl.
>Talk to Katie about all this.
>Check out each of the following:
Depression
>http://www.keirsey.com/cgi-bin/keirsey/mewkts.cgi
>http://www.mhsource/com/
>http://www.teachhealth.com/
>http://www.self-worth.com/
First Aid for Drugs
>firstsaid.ie.er.org/
>rmstewart.uthscsa.edu/
>http://www.trauma.lsumc.edu/
Overcoming Addiction
>http://www.nida.nih.gov/
>Learn from all the sites above.
>Maybe talk to mom about it all.
Hopefully this all will help. I certainly hope so. Even just a little. I'll pray to God about it every night until Katie is happy. Fill you in later.
Gotta Get Ready
Unfortunately, once again, I didn't get to talk to Katie as long as I had wished this morning. But hey, a girl's got to get ready for school! Damn, I'll have to finish this later...
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Couldn't Talk
Well, very unfortunately, Katie couldn't talk when I called at 10:30. Our entire call lasted 15 seconds! Oh, I only wish we could talk longer, like that one Saturday where we talked for about 3hrs altogether! Maybe this Saturday. Still, I have to remember that she has a life, and friends to be with. Whereas I do not. So I have much more free time. Oh well, I can always look forward to tomorrow at 6am, where I'll probably be able to talk for about an hour or two! If not, then there's the day that she skips school this week, or Satuday. On a note about that "no-life" part, I realized, and not for the first time, that she is all I have in my life. All I hold dear. All I care about. All I could not live without. All I would die without. All I love. 'Till tomorrow...
Got To Talk
Well, Katie didn't call after she got home because she was busy with homework. I jsut called her at 9:01, and she was at a mexican restaraunt with a couple of freiiends. Hehe, it was funny, 'cause they were talking about "Big and Little things". Anyway, she said call her back before 11pm her time. Seeing as I have to be in bed by 11pm my time, I'll have to call her again at 10:30 - 9:30 her time. I hope she'll be able to talk then. Sadly, it doesn't look like I'll be able to ask her any of my questions. I guess I'll just have to wait 'till the oppurtune (sp?) moment arrives; hopefully tomorrow morning when I call her. That's something I'll HAVE to work-out with her. Make times for us to call each other. For now, since I can't use Lucas'[s] cell 'till 9pm, she'll have to call me. Or I use my mom's calling card. We'll, I'm going to take a shower, after which I'll draw and check out sites until 10:30. Bye!
Her Situation
Goddamn I've been writing a lot today. Anyway, I found some good websites in this book called "Homeschool Your Child for Free." Some for me, and a couple for help with Katie's semi-addiction:
>http://www.nida.nih.gov/
>http://www.knowledge.com/topics/overhome.htm
I'm hoping these sites will offer good and useful advice on how I can help her. I really want to help her. She says the drugs help her sometimes, but if this is the case, I'm sure a doctor can prescribe some medecine.
Which brings up another point. Her doctor won't help her out, because he thinks she's a hard-core drug addict. She really needs to get a new doctor. But her grandparents, being their non-caring selves, won't take her to a new one. Which leads to another point. If she would move up here, she'll get the love and care she deserves. But I guess I can understand. I wouldn't want to move away from all my friends and family. IF only she would, though! To wake up and see her every morning would be heaven! I know we'll see each other face-to-face sometime, but to actually have her live with me? And so soon? Bliss!!! If only... If only... If only. Maybe I'll convince her eventually. I know for certain that'd she'd stop doing drugs if she were up here. What with no way of getting some and all. Again, I'll just have to bring it all up when we talk later. Jeez! It's already 2:37! S'pose that's it for now. I still can't believe that she could be here with me, in each other's arms! The mere thought of it is mind-boggling. I will also ask her to read some of her beautiful poetry later. If only I could put her poetry in this journal, then I could read her work at anytime!
But for now I'll just have to settle with songs that remind me of her, and happy times we've had together. Really, you have no concept of time when thinking so much. I feel like it's been days since I last talked to Katie, when in reality it's only been 6hrs. Yet I've been writing for 24mins, when it feels like 24 seconds. Weird. Obviously it is impossible to run out of thoughts, save for maybe an area of thought, such as algebra or some other stupid thing.
How is it possible that two people can be so close, yet so far? My love for Katie makes me want to runaway to her. Though I know I probably won't make it to her, in which case it is much safer and smarter to just stay put and be patient until our time comes. An ew thought: Why did she leave him and come back to me? Does she love me more? Or did he do something which put her off, causing her to leave him? Maybe, and I seriously think this is a possibility, God was just doing His work. Should I ask her tonight? Maybe. Maybe not. It could be a touchy subject with her. Or it might cause some kind of conflict. I don't know.
"Only One" by Yellowcard is playing on my disc. Ironic, isn't it? I'm always writing about my "Only One". I laugh at people who say love can't, and doesn't, exist at such a young age. Why the hell can't it?! Love exists at any and every age. Does someone not love their mother immeadiately after they're born? Granted, the love between a boy and a girl, the love between me and Katie, is very special. But why can't it exist so young. Screw them. I've never been in love or been loved by anyone else but Katie, before. But I know what love is. That's how strong it is. 'Till later.
>http://www.nida.nih.gov/
>http://www.knowledge.com/topics/overhome.htm
I'm hoping these sites will offer good and useful advice on how I can help her. I really want to help her. She says the drugs help her sometimes, but if this is the case, I'm sure a doctor can prescribe some medecine.
Which brings up another point. Her doctor won't help her out, because he thinks she's a hard-core drug addict. She really needs to get a new doctor. But her grandparents, being their non-caring selves, won't take her to a new one. Which leads to another point. If she would move up here, she'll get the love and care she deserves. But I guess I can understand. I wouldn't want to move away from all my friends and family. IF only she would, though! To wake up and see her every morning would be heaven! I know we'll see each other face-to-face sometime, but to actually have her live with me? And so soon? Bliss!!! If only... If only... If only. Maybe I'll convince her eventually. I know for certain that'd she'd stop doing drugs if she were up here. What with no way of getting some and all. Again, I'll just have to bring it all up when we talk later. Jeez! It's already 2:37! S'pose that's it for now. I still can't believe that she could be here with me, in each other's arms! The mere thought of it is mind-boggling. I will also ask her to read some of her beautiful poetry later. If only I could put her poetry in this journal, then I could read her work at anytime!
But for now I'll just have to settle with songs that remind me of her, and happy times we've had together. Really, you have no concept of time when thinking so much. I feel like it's been days since I last talked to Katie, when in reality it's only been 6hrs. Yet I've been writing for 24mins, when it feels like 24 seconds. Weird. Obviously it is impossible to run out of thoughts, save for maybe an area of thought, such as algebra or some other stupid thing.
How is it possible that two people can be so close, yet so far? My love for Katie makes me want to runaway to her. Though I know I probably won't make it to her, in which case it is much safer and smarter to just stay put and be patient until our time comes. An ew thought: Why did she leave him and come back to me? Does she love me more? Or did he do something which put her off, causing her to leave him? Maybe, and I seriously think this is a possibility, God was just doing His work. Should I ask her tonight? Maybe. Maybe not. It could be a touchy subject with her. Or it might cause some kind of conflict. I don't know.
"Only One" by Yellowcard is playing on my disc. Ironic, isn't it? I'm always writing about my "Only One". I laugh at people who say love can't, and doesn't, exist at such a young age. Why the hell can't it?! Love exists at any and every age. Does someone not love their mother immeadiately after they're born? Granted, the love between a boy and a girl, the love between me and Katie, is very special. But why can't it exist so young. Screw them. I've never been in love or been loved by anyone else but Katie, before. But I know what love is. That's how strong it is. 'Till later.
Futures
Thought I'd write again. I think I'll talk to Katie about marriage and kids later. Sure it sounds crazy, but it's really not. The subject always lifts both our spirits. I am really convinced that we'll spend the rest of our lives together. And having kids is such a happy thought. Which reminds me. She doesn't want our kids to do drugs. At least she knows they're wrong. She wants our family to live in Missippii (sp?), where they can't get drugs. Thank God she's aware that drugs are bad. Maybe she'll eventually stop by herself soon. Or I could use our ids as motivation. Once again, I guess that's it for now.
Phone Returned
Horray! Katie got her phone back. For now anyway. Her grandparents went out of town until Saturday. (Today's Wednesday). She broke up with her "fiance". So now we're back together! Woohoo! Although I am feeling a little weird. She had sex with the guy just yesterday, which makes me feel jealous, because I can't even hold her. But I think I'm getting over it. She told me she does coke in addition to pot, so I'll ask her later if she'd be willing to stop for me. I think I'll also ask her if she wants to come up here to live with me. She says that she has to be 15 or 16 before she can emancipate herself. I'm not saying she's lying, but someone could've told her wrong. I'll have to look ut up. If it is true, it'll be another 3 months and 4 days 'till she's 15. We'll jsut have to wait and see. I really do hope she does come up here. If that were to happen, I would have everything I want. She said she'd call after school, which is at 3:45 or 4:45 my time; I can't remember. Strange isn't it? All I ever write about is her. She's constantly on my mind. Man I can't wait 'till she calls! So many questions to ask. Every second I'm feeling better and better. As in less jealous about her "encounter" yesterday. But the drugs still bother me. I really wish she'd stop. I don't want to be harsh with her, but I'm afraid that might be how I have to act to get her to stop. If she doesn't stop for me, then who else is there? Perhaps her mom. I probably shouldn't tread that turf, though. Not yet, anyway. But if I get desperate, I may have to. I think she'll stop for me though. If nothing works, I'll just ask her not to tell me if she's snorted or smoked or whatever. Would that be right, though? To go on, pretending she doesn't hurt herself? I just don't know. I suppose it's better than having her tell me everytime she does do it, if I can't get her to stop. She drinks too. But that doesn't bother me. Drinking isn't anywhere near doing drugs. Again, I'll just [have] to ask her later today. I guess that's it for now.
Wednesday, October 5, 2005
A Dream
Well, let me tart off with a dream I had last night, or rather, early this morning:
Katie got out of school, or something, and I was there waiting for her. We both hugged each other as if it were the first time we had seen each other in months. Then we just laid (sp?) down and I held her in my arms and we just talked. That's it; talked. But just me holding her and us both laughing together boosted my spirits to a new high, in the dream and real life. It made me feel really, really good, because now there is no doubt in my mind that she loves me. The dream ended with one of her friends coming over and telling her that they had another class or practice to get to. So they both went back inside, and as she was talking through the doorway, she gave me this look as if to say "I love you and I'll miss you so much". It was the best dream I've ever had; so real and just... awesome, and perfect.
I'm going to send her an email later, and I thought I'd write it in here:
I know, and I'm sorry for acting that way. Just do what makes you happy, that's all I want. If you're with me when you want to be with him [DeSean], you're not going to be happy at all. Although I do want to tell you about a dream I had last night:
(copy from previous page)
The dream was so life-life, that I thought it was really happening, but then I woke up. :( It boosted my spirits, and now I have no doubt in my mind that you hlove me. I think maybe my problem is that I love you too much. I don't know if we'll be able to be just friends, becaues the love will always be there. This is all new to me, and you've been in more relationships than me. So I'm not sure what to do. I might not send anymore emails, and just wait for your call, but probably not. I love going to my email and finding messages from you. So, again, all I can say is go with whoever makes you happiest. Just please think about it a lot, and promise me that if you do break up with me, that you call one last time. I love you so much, and nothing in my life will feel right without you. I'll talk to you later, angel baby.
-Josh
My true feelings for her. I hope she takes what I said into consideration.
Katie got out of school, or something, and I was there waiting for her. We both hugged each other as if it were the first time we had seen each other in months. Then we just laid (sp?) down and I held her in my arms and we just talked. That's it; talked. But just me holding her and us both laughing together boosted my spirits to a new high, in the dream and real life. It made me feel really, really good, because now there is no doubt in my mind that she loves me. The dream ended with one of her friends coming over and telling her that they had another class or practice to get to. So they both went back inside, and as she was talking through the doorway, she gave me this look as if to say "I love you and I'll miss you so much". It was the best dream I've ever had; so real and just... awesome, and perfect.
I'm going to send her an email later, and I thought I'd write it in here:
I know, and I'm sorry for acting that way. Just do what makes you happy, that's all I want. If you're with me when you want to be with him [DeSean], you're not going to be happy at all. Although I do want to tell you about a dream I had last night:
(copy from previous page)
The dream was so life-life, that I thought it was really happening, but then I woke up. :( It boosted my spirits, and now I have no doubt in my mind that you hlove me. I think maybe my problem is that I love you too much. I don't know if we'll be able to be just friends, becaues the love will always be there. This is all new to me, and you've been in more relationships than me. So I'm not sure what to do. I might not send anymore emails, and just wait for your call, but probably not. I love going to my email and finding messages from you. So, again, all I can say is go with whoever makes you happiest. Just please think about it a lot, and promise me that if you do break up with me, that you call one last time. I love you so much, and nothing in my life will feel right without you. I'll talk to you later, angel baby.
-Josh
My true feelings for her. I hope she takes what I said into consideration.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Confused
I'm honestly feeling depressed right now. Katie wants to take a break, and I told her it'd be alright to do, because I love her and want her to be happy; she needs more happiness in her life. But I can't help but feel like she wants to break up with me for a number of reasons. First, she's been very busy with school lately; she always tells me she can't talk because of it, during the few times that I'm online. Second, I get the feeling that she wants to be with someone else. She's told me she loves me more than anything in her whole life, but I can't help but ask myself the same question: Does she love me with as much love as I her? I love her very much, and I can only pray to God for her company. Maybe my depression is making me ultra-paranoid. I s'pose tomorrow I should ask her how she feels. But I don't want to make her mad, which my asking her might do. This is a very difficult situation. My greatest fear is that we may not spend our lives together. If we were to split up, I think I might seriously consider taking my own life. Life without her is/would be unbearable. This is also a very confusing situation. I want what is best for Katie. God help me! I can't go through this alone. I'm almost in tears just thinking about life without my angel, Katie baby. I also get the strange feeling that mom doesn't want us to be together. I utterly hate mom now. Nothing's good enough for her; even the one thing that I care for greatly. The hell with her. She wants to ruin the relationship with her son, that's fine by me. She'll regret it later. By then it will be too late to form a new relationship. 'Till next time...
Saturday, September 24, 2005
First Girlfriend
Well, it's been awhile since I wrote in a journal; about a year, actually. So much has happened since then. The biggest and bestest thing being that I met Katie, my girlfriend. I met her very shortly after we got internet. We had AOL, which is very peculiar, then I went in a chat room, which is also very weird, not like me at all. For some strange reason, I felt like IMing her. So I did. We've been in love ever since, and that was just before Christmas '04. Since I have some time to spend, I'll describe her. She's a brunette, baby blue eyes, and about 150lbs., though she looks way slimmer. Her personality is great, but she sometimes gets depressed and begins to feel suicidal. She plays volleyball, softball, basketball, and she's a cheerleader; so you can guess where most of her weight is from. Muscle weighs more than fat, ya' know? She lives in Pensacola, Fl., coincidentally where the Blue Angels are based. Ironic, isn't it? It's almost as if we're meant to be together. If I could sum her up into one word, it'd be prefect. She's perfect in everyway and form. I said almost before, because I can't talk online anymore until I clean up better at night for 1 month. She can't talk on the phone as often anymore because her granny took her cell away. It's been very difficult for both of us, but I know we'll get through it. I love her so much. I'll say more about her next time. Laters!
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