Yesterday, the Day Before Yesterday, and the Day After Tomorrow

My oldest brother, Andrew, called yesterday. He was laid off from his architecture firm. It’s really shitty news, to say the least. Living in New York isn’t cheap, so I super hope he finds another job, soon. It’s kind of shaken me up a bit about just how unstable your world is when you’re living on your own, so it’s got me thinking about San Francisco. I’m still going, of course, but now I’m really starting to evaluate everything to make sure it’s all as stable as possible.

Andrew’s still coming for Christmas, thank goodness. In fact, he might stay a little bit longer, since he doesn’t have to be back for work.

We also had a record snowstorm yesterday. I believe right now we have about 18+ inches on the ground. That could fuck some things up for Christmas, but I don’t think it will be too bad. We should get everyone’s gifts delivered and wrapped, and I think my other brother James and his wife should be able to fly in from Washington on Tuesday evening. So excited! The woodstove is also supposed to be installed on Tuesday, though, and the guy can’t get on our roof if there’s snow on it; however, our roof grade is pretty steep, so it’s likely that the snow will slide off. And with it also being metal, I’m sure it’ll melt faster than the snow on the ground. I really hope we get that damn woodstove, because our heat pump isn’t doing shit to heat our house at the moment. And it’d also be nice just to have the ambiance of a fire during Christmas.

You know, now that I’m here writing, I can’t even remember what happened the day before yesterday, so… fuck me.

The day after tomorrow, well… that’s Tuesday, and like I said, my brother and sister-in-law are coming out! I can’t wait, it’s going to be such a wicked time with everyone here. We’re still getting things ready, but I think we’re mostly done. Me and my sister set up my parents’ real  bedroom yesterday, and I have to say it looks very nice. We just need to organize and clean up, now, and we’ll be done, I think.

Which reminds me: we got our tree! (Perhaps this was what happened the day before yesterday). It’s a Douglas-fir, as I predicted. And it smells sooooo amazing. It’s bringing back so many memories from when we lived in Herndon. We haven’t had a real tree in more than 6 years, so it’s definitely a welcome change. It still needs to be decorated, though. Hopefully, we’ll get to that, today. Assuming we’ll figure out exactly where we want it to go (in a corner of the great room or in the middle, in front of the glass double doors). I personally like it in front of the doors, and I think my dad and sister do, as well. It just makes it look more… grand, haha. And we wouldn’t have to move any future around at all, so that’s always a plus. I can’t wait to decorate it! Christmastime – Glorious Days of Impatience.

I still need to bring up the money with my dad. I really need to grow a sack and ask him about it, otherwise it’ll be too late and I’ll have fucked all my chances of moving up. You’d think that’d be motivation enough, but it still hasn’t gotten me off my ass. I think I’ll bring it up today, though, barring my mom isn’t around.

Intermission

It’s been fucking forever since I last wrote. My mom grounded me from the internet for more than a week because I had gotten online while she was out for the day. Apparently she forgot the part where I asked her to keep the laptop at home that day, so that I could get online and get some stuff done for school. I’ve also been neglecting the blog, lately. I’ve just had no motivation to really write anything. I’m getting so stressed out over school and money that at the end of the day, all I really feel like doing—after organizing my thoughts—is wasting time online doing nothing in particular. But, I told myself that I needed to update it, so here I am.

My parents have been giving me the same old rap, lately. It’s really starting to piss me off more than usual, though. They keep telling me how I haven’t thought my future through enough, and that I need to make sure I have everything to get myself started before I move. But the thing is, every time they say something like that, it just kills my determination, and it makes it impossible for me to actually get things sorted out. Another aspect of it is that they never really seem to offer help. They say I need to think things through, sure. But they’ve never actually come to me and say, “Hey, let’s look at your current situation with money and see if we can’t work something out.” On the one hand, I’m surprised that they haven’t gotten through their heads that I’ve come this far, and I won’t quit now. But then on the other hand, I’m not surprised at all by how they’re acting. Either way, it’s completely absurd.

While we were saying our goodbyes to my brother, Andrew, at the metro station after he came for Thanksgiving, he talked to me a little bit about how I should reconsider, or at least just think about what I’m really getting myself into. Now, I know I’ve been saying how I hate it when my parents say that. But, since it was coming from Andrew, I took it seriously. He isn’t one to say something like that for no reason. So I wracked my brain for three days or so, thinking about what to do. In the end, I decided to stick with San Francisco. It would be too late, now, to even start thinking about applying to another school, and I just can’t stand living here until next Fall. Plus, I’m so far into the process of enrolling at CCSF, that it would be stupid to back out not. I will figure out a way to make it work.

I started looking into loans a few days ago, and I also mailed in the required financial aid forms to CCSF. According to my Financial Aid file, my Cost of Attendance will be $7,761, which is comprised of $819 in Books & Supplies, $369 in Enrollment and/or Health Fees, $2,424 of Out-of-State Tuition, $1,386 of Miscellaneous Personal Expenses, $2,322 for Room and Bored, and $441 for Transportation. I’m guessing that just estimated the average costs of personal expenses, rent, and transportation and added in. I’m really glad they did, though, because I think it’s a more accurate display of how much it’ll cost to live there than I could ever have guesstimated. The $7,761 is for one semester, though, so that’s only about one-third of what I’ll be spending in a year (minus tuition and books). I’m sure I can find a way to save on most of those things, also. So I think it’s financially possible, right now. I’ve been approved for the total amount of a Pell Grant for one semester, which totals out at $2,675. I emailed a lady at the Financial Aid Office, and she said they got my forms, and that I’ll be getting my award letter in 4-6 weeks. So, I’m definitely going to have to get the Stafford loan. Since I don’t yet know how much I’ll be getting awarded, and considering living costs and such, I just decided to apply for the full amount of $3,500. However, I won’t be able to fully apply until I attend a mandatory financial aid workshop in-person.

I think I’m going to have to borrow money from my parents to pay for a couple months’ worth of rent before my loans are approved, and then I can pay them back. I think, considering the low cost of tuition, I’ll be able to keep myself afloat. Off-campus rent is considered when they review your financial aid info and determine if you’re eligible or not, so I don’t think it’ll be too hard. Plus, I think I should have enough money in my savings after I buy my laptop to pay for the deposit and a month’s rent for my room at the residence club. Which reminds me, I’ll have to call them real soon, after I go over the financial info with my parents tomorrow. I really dread doing that. Every time I even bring it up, they say something that I hadn’t even thought of. It’s not like they say, “Don’t forget to think about this or that!” It’s more along the lines of, “Well, what about THIS? You need to think more clearly about this stuff, Josh!” Like I’m some kind of idiot and deliberately overlooked some aspect just so I could get out of the house. It’s not like I’m looking to move out and just worry about things when I get there. I know how tough life can be, I’m not about to ruin the beginning of my OWN life by being purposely careless.

The Dishes and The Phone Call

The other night, my sister pretty much made all of dinner and my dad was pretty tired. So I was left with doing all the kitchen clean up (normally I just load the dishwasher, put leftovers in containers, and wipe off the table). Since I was doing everything, I also had to wash all the pots and pans that were left over. I did what I normally do, and then kind of killed time downstairs. I really didn’t want to wash the pots and pans, and I knew my mom would catch me if I came upstairs too soon. My plan was to go up and seem like I did them, and then when someone noticed I hadn’t, I’d just say I thought someone else was going to do them. That’s the kind of shit I would always do. So I went upstairs and laid on my bed. But I couldn’t do it! I laid there thinking how the dishes were there, how I knew that it was my responsibility. So I got up, went downstairs, and did them. Effing amazing, right? There have been other instances like that recently, but this is really the best example of how I’m starting to grow into an adult and not do things just because I don’t want to. And it feels really great.

I’ve been having a bit of trouble applying for a checking account. Bank of America denied my first application. So I tried reapplying that night, and they were having “technical difficulties”, which really started to piss me off. So I woke up at 7:30 this morning, and did it again. It finally went through. Then, later in the day, I checked my email, and I had received one that said I needed to call the bank to verify my information. I thought, “Oh shit. But if I have to, I have to.” I almost put it off until tomorrow, but I wanted to get it done as soon as possible. After dinner, me and my dad went in his and my mom’s room to call, since I applied the second time with him as a co-applicant. I was really nervous, but I think I did really well. I was completely normal (at least from my point of view; my parents didn’t say anything, so I assume I really was fine). I’m really glad that I was able to get myself to call.

Anyway, after the guy looked up my application with the confirmation number I gave him, he said that my information had already been verified. So I said, “Oh, okay. Do you need to verify my dad’s information, then, since he’s the co-applicant?” The guy said that yeah, he needed to talk to the co-applicant. So I just handed the phone to my dad, and he ended up talking to the guy more than I did, haha. So, now my account has been approved and they’re just in the process of setting it up and all. It should officially be open in a couple days, but it’ll probably be a week or more until I get my debit card and other papers.

Financial

If today had a theme, it would definitely be money. I can understand why money troubles are the number one cause for divorce.

I asked my mom to call Capital One to verify our joint savings accounts, because I had too many failed login attempts, and their system now things someone who shouldn’t have access to our accounts is trying to get in. She seemed okay with it the first couple times I asked, but the third time, late in the evening, she asked me why. I replied honestly with, “So I can transfer my money to your checking account and buy my laptop.” She replied, “I told you you’re not getting a laptop until you go to school. Not until we know you’re going for sure.” It pissed me off so much. It’s like she thinks I’ve actually gone through all these obstacles just for a damn laptop. Not only that, but it’s MY money. But apparently, she can do what she wants with my own money and not even tell me. However, when I want to use it, it’s completely off-limits. It’s really one of those “What the fuck?” kind of situations. But I’m not taking this shit from her, anymore. I was working on the floor as I asked her the third time. When she gave me her reply, I put down the board I was working on, and stopped. I told myself I wasn’t going to do anymore floor until I can use my money. I haven’t told her, yet, unfortunately. I’m not sure if I will. I enjoy working on the floor most of the time, but I really want my money. But I’m also about to open my own checking account, after I look over my options with my dad and see what will work best for me, since he has a little more experience with things like this.

I’ve gotten down the basic things involved with opening a checking account, so right now I’m just trying to learn the different terms and stuff so I have more of an idea of what exactly is coming with the accounts at the four different banks I’m looking at (Charles Schwab, ING, First National Bank of Omaha [formerly Washington Mutual], and Bank of America). I also need to look into which institution is safe to bank with, considering how unstable the economic industry is at the moment. I thought I heard that certain parts of Bank of America had gone under, but I dunno. Again, I’ll just have to look into it. I want to get this over with so I can move on to the next hurdle and so my mom has that much less control over my stuff.

CCSF’s Financial Aid Office also emailed me today with the list of their forms I need to fill out and send to them. I’ve gotten three of the requirements done with, and just need to finish the other ones with my parents’ help. Once that’s all done, I can mail them in and pretty much just wait.

I’m also close to registering with a residence club. I looked up reviews of the three I was looking at (Vantaggio Suites, The Monroe, and USA Student Residences). USA Student looks like it’s the best overall. I shouldn’t be there for more than a few months, anyway. On the registration form, they ask for an end date for my stay, and I have no idea what to put. What if I put a date that ends up being too early and I’m forced to move out? That would really suck, haha. I’d email them, but they’re not very good at writing back. I’ll probably put my end date at maybe two to four weeks after the Spring semester is over. I should have some friends (read: potential roommates) by then, as well as enough time to look for a decent apartment and know what’s good and what’s not in San Francisco.

Seven Years, One Month*

Tonight around 9PM, John Muhammed will be put to death by lethal injection at Greensville Penitentiary in Jarrot, VA. Muhammed, and his accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, are better known singularly as the Washington sniper. I can’t believe it’s been a little more than seven years since that terrible October. I was living in Herndon, at the time. It was so frightful living in the DC area during that month. I remember how people were saying that the sniper may be going around in a white van or truck. From then on, everybody would have one eye trained on every white vehicle they saw, wondering if that’s who had killed 10 people and was out looking for more blood. Once when we were at Office Depot in Fairfax, my mom and brother, I think, went inside to look at printers. I stayed in the car, but it got too unbearable just sitting there. So, I kept an eye out for any white cars, and when I didn’t see any, I made a mad dash for the store. Then my mom asked me to go back out and get something, then bring it back in again. I really didn’t want to do it. God knows why I eventually did. But I was scared out of my mind for the 20 seconds it took to run out to the car, get whatever it was, and haul ass back into the store. Metro DC is a huge area, so it’s hard to fathom that kind of fear coursing through more than six million people for a whole month, all because of a man and his then-17-year-old friend.

One of the shootings happened less than half a mile from my grandma’s house in Falls Church, at the Home Depot at Seven Corners. That really got my attention. It was immediately reported on the news, and I asked my dad if grandma was okay, and that maybe he should call her to see. I don’t even remember if he did or not, I was just really frightened by how close he had been to someone from my family. I’m not really someone who openly shows compassion towards family members, also, so that just shows you how worried I was.

I don’t necessarily approve of capital punishment, but when you think of how much that guy affected the area I lived in, it’s hard to think of any other punishment as justice.

Noobs Pwned!

I got my official GED certificate in the mail, today. I scanned it to the computer, along with the congratulations letter from the governor that came with it (ha), and the contract I signed during the registration/orientation night. I’m not sure why I scanned the last one. I guess I just want it to document as much as I can before I end up throwing it away in 10 years, haha.

Anyway, apparently I suck at putting images in here, so I’ll just put links:

GED Testing Candidate Code of Conduct Contract

Congratulatory Letter

GED Certificate

I think it’s funny that the letter was from Tim Kaine. We just had an election last Tuesday that Bob McDonnell one, so now we have a new governor (although he probably takes office at a later date, just like with presidential elections). Anyway, it’s official! I have now graduated high school. As for the title of this post, for a few days before the test, my awesome friend Mila would keep telling me to “pwn noobs!” every time I mentioned how nervous I was about the test. So, mission accomplished!

Earlier tonight, I was able to submit my FAFSA, and it’ll be processed in about 3-4 business days. I can’t wait for CCSF to get it, because then they’ll email me links to their own financial aid forms, which I’ll then fill out and mail to them (I probably mentioned this in an earlier post). So, once those forms are filled out, sent, and eventually received by the school, it shouldn’t be too long until I know how much money I’ll be getting in grants, scholarships, and (if need be) loans. CCSF isn’t real cheap when you’re an out of state student, but it’s still a hell of a lot cheaper than a university, even a public one.

But, I’ve gotten slightly off-topic. Once I know how much money I’ll be getting, I can safely register to live in one of those residence clubs or hostels that I found off of the CCSF site. Once that’s done, everything’s pretty much a done deal. I’m so excited to be moving out! The realism of the situation becomes clearer and clearer with each day. Like, before, it was just, “It’ll be a while, you have a lot of time to get ready.” But now that it’s so close, it’s becoming a little surreal. I know I’ll be moving, but I’ve been living this life for so long, that it’s hard to imagine anything different. I’m scared as balls, to be honest (who wouldn’t be?), but it has to happen sometime. Billions of people are living in the world on their own right now, and they’re making it fine, so why can’t I?

I’ve started talking to a friend of mine, Stephy. We didn’t have a falling out or anything, she just didn’t really get online a whole lot in the past few months. I really missed her. Her and I used to be really close, like… almost dating, I guess you could say. But, at that time, Laura and I were starting to get serious, also, and I made the unfortunate decision of going with Laura instead of Steph. It’s nice to be talking to her again, though. She said we should hang out sometime before I go to college. But, she lives down near Richmond, so I’m not sure how it’d work. I’d really like it, too, though. We were supposed to meet a couple summers ago when I went down towards Richmond to visit my aunt and uncle for a weekend, but it never happened. I hope I do get to see her before I go, because I have to admit, I still have a major crush on her, haha.

Progress and An Argument

Well, I have some good news! I showed my mom the residence clubs I found last night. The prices are pretty damn good, and will definitely work well as semi-temporary living while I look for a more permanent apartment. My mom seemed to approve of them, although she did question how I would pay my rent. That’s really not a big deal, though, because she’d ask that of any place I was looking at living in. So I think it’s going to work out. I’m going to have to finish my FAFSA with my dad tomorrow, sometime, and submit it to CCSF. After they receive it, I’m supposed to get links to forms I need to fill out for their Financial Aid Office. If you live more than 90 miles from CCSF (which I definitely do), you can print out the forms and mail them. Which is definitely good, because I thought I’d have to submit them in person, at first, which would really hold some things up. So everything on that front looks good.

A little while ago, though, me and my mom got in an argument. It started because I questioned why the laptop has to all of a sudden go in her room when she goes to bed, now. It doesn’t really make sense, because I go to bed relatively early (by my standards), and at the same time each night. And, despite what she says, I don’t leave the internet on over night anymore, because my dad once got in some trouble because his work tried to call him early in the morning to tell him to go to a different post office. But anyway, I eventually said, “I’ll be needing to get my own laptop, soon, anyway.” Then my sister said something about only being $500 in my savings account, which is WAY too low. So I immediately questioned my mom about it, and she said how they had taken some money out and it wasn’t hard to put money back in. I said, “That’s not the point. I told you a long time ago not to take any of my money out.” She just kind of gave me this bullshit “I didn’t know!” face. She’s so full of crap. I told her, “I want my money back in. Soon.” I think she was kind of surprised at how firm and aggressive I was being in the matter. It really pisses me off, though. She gives me these mini-lectures about spending my money wisely all the time, and not lying, etc. Then she goes and takes MY money, even when I asked her NOT to, then lies about it. I swear, my mother is possibly the biggest hypocrite I know, and I can’t wait until I’m out from under her.

On the stereo, listen as we go; nothing's gonna stop me now…

The other night, my mom told me that I should look at community colleges closer to home, because we can’t afford to stay in a hotel while looking for a place for me to live in San Francisco. I was pretty pissed off when she told me that, because I’ve been working so hard to get to this point, and I had everything planned out. And then she tells me I need to consider other options, and it just really started to stress me out almost to the breaking point.

So, last night I checked out some other community colleges, and none of them really met my requirements as well as being nearby. And I got thinking, I’ve been wanting this for so long. And one of the reasons is to get away from my mom, so it’s absolutely ridiculous to change any of my plans for her, of all people. As a result, I’m sticking with my original plan and going to San Francisco. I’m still a little uncertain about how it’s all going to pan out, but I’ll figure it out. I did a little searching earlier on the CCSF website and found some housing links. I also read about something called Residence Clubs. They basically sound like dorms, but they’re in normal apartment buildings and not really related to the school. I’ll definitely be checking those out in a little bit.

On a completely unrelated note, I picked out the paint color for the walls in my room. It’s like a lightish blue, kind of like the sky. Since my desk is supposed to be a tree, I thought it’d be cool to make my wall like the sky, so it’s like my room is sorta outside. It’s nice, too, because the blue perfectly matches the blue on the linens we bought for my room that go with the desk. It’s kind of odd to design a whole room around a desk, haha.

We’ve been on the run, driving in the sun, looking out for number one…

I passed! I got an email today saying my GED123.org account status had been changed. I went to check out and saw my scores were posted. It was incredibly surprising to see that I did best in science. Lowest in math, but that’s not a real big shocker. Here’s a screenshot of the PDF of my scores:

I wish I had gotten a specific grade for the essay, because I’d really like to know what the graders though of that. But all I got was a general score for the Writing portion of the Language Arts test. I’m not sure about the accuracy of the 96 percentile for the science test. What that basically means is that I scored higher than 96% of graduating high school students. Oh well, either way, I’ll let it inflate my ego for a short while, haha.

I’ve also determined that I was accepted to CCSF. I finally got into the email account they had set up for me, but no acceptance email was in there. I then went their CollegeBoard school profile page, where it said their acceptance rate was 100%. So yeah, definitely accepted!

So, things are really starting to get into motion, now. I refined my profile on two roommate finding sites, and have found a couple people that may fit my requirements. They’re both girls. I don’t think I could live with a straight guy (I haven’t found any gay ones so far). I just don’t really get along with straight men the way I do with girls and gay guys. I’m hesitant to message these two girls, though. It’s a big step, and I just want to make sure it’s the right time to take it. I’d hate to start talking about getting a place, only to have to back out on one of them later.

I took the orientation course for CCSF earlier, only to learn I needed a student ID number to print out my certificate that would prove I had taken the course. Oh well, it wasn’t that hard, so it won’t be such a hassle to take it again once I take the placement tests (which I’ll have to do physically at the school). The Spring 2010 semester begins January 19th, so I think I’ll be going there at least a week in advance. But that all depends on how much time I need to get settled and whatnot. The placement tests are held regularly according to the website, but I don’t know how often is “regularly”. It could be once a week or every other day. I want to make sure I go when I can take the test, see a counselor, and register for classes, with at least two-three days to get myself oriented with the environment.

I’ll be talking to my mom tomorrow about what the next step should be. I’m no fool, and realize that I can’t do this solely on my own. I need to know I’m taking things in the right direction. One little misstep could really set me back.

I may also mention to my mom about the laptop. I honestly haven’t thought about it in a few weeks. I’ve really only been concentrating on getting my GED and progressing to the next step that will take me to college. I just hope if and when I bring it up to my mom, she doesn’t think, “I knew you were only doing this for a laptop.” I don’t mind, though, because I’m totally expecting her to deny it and say that I need to do a few more things that sets the whole going-to-school thing in stone.

Either way, California, here I come!

Future Destination: TBD

Well, the GED tests are over with. Hopefully, anyway. If I failed any, I have to retake the respective test(s). But I really don’t think I’ll fail any. The tests were noticeably easier than the SATs, and I got decent scores on those. I also think my essay was pretty amazing and unique, but I thought the same thing about my SAT essay. And I got a 7/12 on that one, haha.

The whole morning went pretty much as planned, other than leaving the house a few minutes later than planned because my mom wanted to snooze for 5 minutes. But I still made it there with a decent amount of time to spare. In fact, the examiner wouldn’t let us in the classroom until 7:25, so a few of us sat on some comfortable chairs in a hallway leading to the student lounge. A lady and her daughter were sitting to the right of me, talking about if we could take stuff into the classroom. I told them that on the piece of paper we got in the mail, it said that we could, but that it would have to be left in a designated area. It’s funny to look back on it now, because I was pretty normal and not at all talking nervously or anything. It just helps proves my theory that when forced into such a position, I can be just like anyone else when talking to strangers.

When 7:25 came around, the examiner had us follow her back to just outside the classroom. She explained that she’d call our names, have us present our photo IDs, and tell us which table to sit at. When my name was called, I did what she told us to, and went to sit down at my table. That’s when all the nervousness and anxiety left me and I just focused on what I had to do. The tests weren’t at all given like the SATs. With the SATs, you had to wait until your given time for each test was up before you could proceed to the next test. With the GED, though, if you finished before your time was up, you could immediately go to the next test. I always finish before my allotted time is up, and I hate it. I feel like I’ve rushed through the section and not adequately looked at the questions. But I also feel like I’ve done the best I can, so it’s really quite hard to move on to the next section. I usually don’t check my answers very much when I finish, but so much was relying on me passing, so I did an extra good job making sure I understood why I chose a specific answer and didn’t make a mistake. If I fail any tests, I’m certain it’s because I didn’t know the material, not because of a clumsy mistake on my part. But everything seemed relatively easy for me, which would lend itself to meaning that I knew the material. So I think I’ll be okay. If I fail any section, it’ll definitely be science. That was the one I really had noticeable trouble with.

My essay is another thing that could go either way. But that’s because, like my friend Mila said, it’s really up to the personal opinion of the readers who grade it. My topic question was, “If you could spend day with one person, who would it be?” I chose Stephan Jenkins, the lead singer of my favorite band, Third Eye Blind. It was somewhat of a risky choice, but I think I effectively proved my point in the essay. It’s funny, because I used things that I briefly read about in college essay books and other tips I read more than a year ago for the SAT essay. It’s funny how much you remember when you need to.

I think my essay was a little too political and controversial, but, like I said, I think I effectively got my point across, which is what really matters. I chose Stephan Jenkins because he remains true to himself and doesn’t adhere to other peoples’ principles. An example I used was the recent single “Non-Dairy Creamer,” in which he bluntly voices his frustrations with America’s political system. The most controversial part of the paper was when I specifically used the last verse of the song, “Young, gay Republicans,” and went into minor detail about what it symbolized. Again, I may have gotten a little too political and controversial.

I also injected some humor into the essay, which I’ve heard is a risky thing to do. But I think it worked to my advantage. Oh well, we’ll see how I did next week when my scores are online for me to view. I should also receive my actual certificate in two to three weeks via snail mail.

They gave us a lunch break when we finished the writing section of the language arts test. For me, that was around 11:20 or so, until 12:15. I went to the student lounge, where they only had vending machines with snacks, and one with mini frozen pizzas and the like. None of the latter stuff looked good to me, so I just got some Brisk Iced Tea, chocolate pretzels, and some gum. Then I just sat down, propped my legs up on a center table thing that four comfy chairs were surrounding, and hopped on my PSP. I chatted with my friend, Nina, via facebook comments for a while, and posted a little bit on The Mind-Fucked, my other friend Brandon’s forum. The lounge was actually pretty nice for a somewhat small community college, and I could definitely imagine myself taking breaks there between classes, if I were to attend Lord Fairfax. There were other students there walking around and getting snacks on their way to another class. It was really nice being in the middle of that sort of atmosphere. I got a piece of what it would feel like to be attending college myself, and it really made me feel right at home. My God, is there anything better than that feeling of belonging?

After lunch, I headed back to the classroom a few minutes early and had to wait outside with some other students. When we went back in, I started on the science test, then social studies, and finally the reading part of the language arts test. I really started to notice the effects of not getting enough sleep the night before. I turned out my light around 12:15, but I kept waking up. It wasn’t the worst sleep I’ve had in a few weeks, though, so at least that’s good.

When I was done (at 2:30; lightning fast, baby!), I went to the student lounge to get something else to snack on real quick, because I was pretty hungry. It took me 5 minutes to realize all I could really get was a Butterfinger for $0.90.

Afterwards, I walked outside and was amazed at the view across the street from the school. It’s in Middletown, which is a pretty rural town (even though the school is fairly big). Across the street was just these big, open fields, and beyond those was the mountainous skyline of the Blue Ridge. It was, for lack of a better word, breathtaking. Of course, after taking a test for 7 hours inside a room with little or no windows, doesn’t any sort of outdoors exposure look beautiful?

I called my mom to come pick me up. She called back a couple minutes later to tell me my dad was on his way back from work, so he’d be getting me. I went inside to wait in the lounge and take advantage of the free wifi to get on eBuddy and talk with Nina some more. Around 3, I went back outside and waited for maybe 15 minutes longer until my dad got there. We dropped some overdue books off at the library and then went straight home.

I was so tired when we got home. I’m starting to despise having to put nice clothes on when I go out places, because taking it all off when I get home is really becoming a bitch. Anyway, I went in the den to talk with my mom and sister some, and we discussed the whole testing process and whatnot. Then we got to talking about what’s next for me. I told her about SFSU some, and she immediately asked me who lived in San Francisco. I told her no one. Which is true. Athena lived there at one time, but she’s passed away, so I really don’t consider her as a person I’m going there for. I mean, I am going there partly because she lived there, but there’s really just no other city like San Francisco from what I’ve read about it.

I also told my mom about City College of San Francisco, and how I need to fly there for orientation. She said, “Well, have you been accepted?” I told her I was. At least, I think I was. I swear I remember getting an email letting me know I’ve been accepted, but I still want to make sure. She said that if I was accepted, then we could just fly there and do orientation and I could just stay. But I found out that I can do orientation online. What I need to fly there for is placement tests and a meeting with a student counselor. Still, I need to find out if I really have been accepted, which is proving to be a pain in the ass. I can’t remember the username or password for the Gmail account the school set up for me, and I can’t find anything yet on any of the websites I’ve visited that pertain to the school.

I’ll have to figure out a place to live in San Francisco. That could prove more difficult than you’d think, because I’ll need a roommate, and it can be hard to find a suitable roommate whom you’ve never met before. The place will also have to fit my budget. So many gears that have to work together in order for this thing to work. But that’s just part of the job. I’ll make this work.

If I’m able to go there, the semester starts in January. I never thought I’d really be leaving home so soon. Not that it isn’t welcome, but it’s funny to think that in two months I could be out of here, whereas for the past few weeks I’ve been thinking I’d be here until next year. Damn, am I excited!

Nervous, much?

I’ve got the GED tests tomorrow. It either starts at 7:30 or they want you there at 7:30 for check-in. Either way, I want to make sure we get there well before then, so I think me and my mom will leave around 6:35ish. I asked my dad to wake me up at 5:45 so I could get ready in time. I’m nervous as balls. So much is riding on these tests. I really regret not studying up some on the subjects a few days ago, but I told myself that it could be done a couple days before the test (classic procrastinator, eh?). But when the today and yesterday got here, I was too nervous to even concentrate.

I really hate having to wake up early for things that are super important like this. The morning is cold and it makes me shake even more than usual in my nervousness. Hopefully, the same thing will happen to me that happened when I went to take my SATs last October: On the way there I’ll just mellow out and be like, “What happens, happens.”

The tests also take all day to take (pretty much). I’m not sure when they’re over, exactly, but it’s sometime in the afternoon (I’m thinking 2 or 3). So, not only am I waking up early for something I’m dreading, but it’s going to be something that lasts all day. Great!

At least it won’t be as bad as the SATs, from an emotional standpoint. When I took the SATs, I took them at James Wood with a bunch of students that go there. Everyone was talking to each other and whatnot, and I just kinda stood there feeling awkward and alone. But with the GED, it’ll be given at Lord Fairfax, and a lot of the people are adults who haven’t been in high school in a few years, if not a couple decades. So I won’t be the only one who’s pretty much never seen anyone else who’s also taking the test.

I’m gonna be going to bed in 40 minutes or so. As if I’ll be able to fall asleep. I’m nervous, and midnight is two hours before my normal bedtime. I bet I’ll get hardly any sleep at all. Oh well. I’m lucky that when I get little sleep, it doesn’t affect me until later in the day, not right away.

I guess I better go and distract myself. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be over!

GED Test Coming Up

I was able to go for the registration/orientation at Dowell J. Howard, today. My mom and sister took the metro into Vienna to give us a little bit more time. We got to D.J. Howard at about 4:45, 15 minutes ahead of time. We went in, I signed the visitor log, and got a sticker. Then my dad wrote the center a check for $45. My dad left to put some air in the car tires, while I went back to Room 112. There was a lady sitting outside the classroom door at a little table, and she filled out the necessary stuff on my form that was supposed to be filled out by an official. After that, I went into the room and sat down, then finished filling out the form and initialing and signing a Code of Conduct contract.

At about 5:05, the principal of Dowell J. Howard (I think) gave a little speech about how this whole thing worked, and then said once we had filled out our forms, to go up to the front of the class, hand the lady our forms, Social Security cards, government issued ID, and pre-registration form. Oh, and the check.

I then sat there until about 5:30, when some guy went up to the desk, handed the lady his stuff, and asked if he had to stay. She said, “Unless you want to see a video on how to use the calculate we provide, then no.” I thought about that, and about the time. Since we had to meet my mom and sister in Vienna, I just decided to get up and leave.

So, me and my dad went to the Vienna metro station around 7:15 and waited for about 45 minutes for my mom and Mariah to get there. On the way home, they told us a bunch of stuff about their trip. It got me really excited for when Andrew comes for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas. Last year for Christmas he got me this Sun Print kit, where the paper develops under direct sunlight. So you basically just lay some shape or design that you like on top, leave it in the sun for a few minutes, and you have a wicked silhouette. I really like it, but I’ve only used four of the ten sheets. I feel bad, because it seems like I never use it because I don’t like it. But I just never really have the time to make a photo, or the creativeness to think of what design I want to do next. For Christmas this year, I think I’ll make Andrew a skyline silhouette of New York. But if I do that, I’ll probably have to make something for everyone else. Oh well, I think I might enjoy delving into my creative side a bit more than I usually do!

I’ve also been thinking about my porn addiction. I think it’s really starting to become detrimental to other aspects of my life. So, my plan is to stop. Pretty much cold turkey. It’ll be hard, definitely, but I don’t need one single thing to get in my way, especially at this point in my life. I won’t delete the porn I have so far, but I will stop downloading anything new. It’s gone too far.

Anyway, back to topic. I’m finally all set to take the GED tests. It’s this Saturday at Lord Fairfax. I’m supposed to get something in the mail within the next couple days that will have more details. I need to find out what time testing starts and directions, if one or neither of those are included in the letter I get. I’m almost one huge step closer to my own life! I can’t wait, baby!

Time Constraints

My mom and sister went to visit my oldest brother, Andrew, in New York on… Thursday, I think it was. They’ll be coming back tomorrow. My dad is supposed to go into DC to pick them up from the bus stop. But I realized that the GED Registration/Orientation I need to go to for my test date is tomorrow, as well, from 5 PM to 6 PM. My mom told my dad on the phone last night that she’s been bugging me to find out about this, and that if it interferes with picking them up, then that’s too bad. But I could’ve sworn I told her about this before, at least two or more weeks ago.

Either way, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about it right now. My mom and dad will talk to each other later tonight, so maybe they can work something out, depending on when my mom and sister are supposed to arrive in DC. About the only thing we can do if the times seriously conflict is have them ride the metro into Vienna, which will buy me some time. Or maybe I won’t necessarily have to stay for orientation, like it’s an optional thing. I don’t know what they could really tell us about the GED that I don’t already know.

If I miss this registration, I’ll have to wait another month before I can finish my registration and take the test, which will seriously mess with my application to SFSU (that is due November 1st, by the way). Maybe I can say that I haven’t yet graduated, and am waiting to receive my diploma. I’ll have to do that anyway, I think, because I don’t have enough math credits to submit my application, so I have to take a new math course this year to make up. I’ll have to go look at the application later tonight and see what my options are.

Homosexuality

Since last night I’ve really been craving a guy. Not solely in a sexual way, but just in general. It’d just be really nice to cuddle with someone nice and strong (how gay is that? hahaha).

And, I won’t lie, it’d really be nice to have someone who has as high a sexual drive as I do, and doesn’t make me feel like I have to earn our sex. Just to be carefree about it, y’know?

Later tonight (or maybe in the next few minutes; mom’s supposed to get home soon, so no idea how much time I have), I’ll look and ask around the net about some kind of site that helps you find gay guys in your area. There’s always MySpace and Facebook (just Facebook, really, since I deleted my MySpace a week or more ago), but I think it’s weird talking to people out of the blue like that. At least on a website that’s meant for it you’re expecting random guys to message you.

I hope I have some good luck! Because, honestly, I also really just want a good fuck with a guy.

Day Six and Progress

I read an article a few days ago about what you’re really doing when you crack your neck (which I had been doing quite a lot of the last couple of years). Apparently, if you keep at it, you can eventually cause some pain-in-the-ass neck problems later on, and have a higher chance of getting arthritis in your neck. So I’ve decided to stop, because neck pain is a bitch as it is, and I don’t want it to get any worse. So far I’ve gone six days without cracking my neck. Look at me go! The article said that after two to three weeks, you should notice a decent improvement on your neck.

Last Friday we had our final inspection. We passed! So that means that this lot is officially no longer a construction site (of which it’s been for the last 6+ years). We didn’t really celebrate, or even note the significance of it. It was just another point we passed on the road to finishing this house.

I’ve also started helping my dad put the floor down in the great room (I’m not sure why living rooms are called ‘great rooms’ in log homes). We’re almost done with it, though. The great room, that is. After that, it’s on to my mom’s room, then the upstairs or my mom’s closet. Either way, it’s a huge improvement upon what it looked like before. Here are some pictures:





















































I really love the way the floor looks. Plus, it’s a whole lot easier to imagine that room filled with family members during Christmas. I’m so psyched about it!

In other news, I messaged Jenn on Facebook. My friend, Allie, kind of convinced me to do it. Lately, I’ve been thinking it’d be nice to be friends with Jenn. She replied last night, and she didn’t seem put-off or anything in her message, so that’s good. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get laid for the first time in two years, haha. But, honestly, I’d rather have a friend first and get laid second.

Milly and 24/7 Fearfest

We went to see my Grandma Milly, today. It was really nice seeing her. We haven’t been to visit her since my brother came for Christmas last year. We all went out for lunch to IHOP, and I think we all ordered a little more than we could eat, haha. It was funny seeing three generations of my family all together at once, because you can definitely see how we’re all alike. It’s almost uncanny at times, how much we’re the same. But, again, it was really great seeing her.

I’ve also been thinking about how easy things are when you’re young. All you really worry about is homework and when you get in insignificant fights with your best friends. And now, I don’t go one day without being scared of something: Will I get into the college I want? Is my life going where I want to? What would happen if I’m unable to do this or that? It’s really damn frustrating, and a terrible way to lead a life. What type of world is this when you can’t go one day worry-free? It seems absolutely senseless.

Christmas Plans

My mom called my brother, James, yesterday and they talked for quite a while. Originally we had all planned to go to my grandma’s for Christmas, but we all figured out that it would be too difficult coordinating everyone’s schedules and whatnot around Christmas. And then, since James and his girlfriend, Mariyeli, got married, her father was going to have everyone fly to Mexico for a big celebration. But that, also, has become impossible. So my brother offered the suggestion that he and Mariyeli fly to DC for Christmas and spend time with us. We really don’t see why it couldn’t work, at the moment.

It has all of us pumped up and excited. Because of it, everyone here has started working on getting the house more livable and just generally looking better for when they come. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a ‘traditional’ Christmas, so I think we’re all working our best to make it happen. I prepared the great room for my dad so he could start putting the wood floor down. Once that’s down, we can start moving some of our furniture into it, along with the TV, which is currently in our office/den (because the great room was filled up with stuff from the trailer, haha).

I think it’ll be really amazing, having everyone here for Christmas. It’ll feel like this big house will finally have some warmth to it. There’s really nothing like having a house full of family. I never really noticed until now, but everything is considerably quieter since my three older brothers moved out. I really miss having the craziness of seven people living under one roof.

I can’t wait for Christmas!

That Old Feeling

I've had bouts of depression the last few days. I was struck by another case of it earlier this evening, and it's still affecting me. I feel like there's really nothing to fill up my life with happiness, right now. Which totally explains why I spent my money on all that shit, and just recently bought Grand Theft Auto IV. I love the game, and I love everything I bought. But, as expected, none of it really brings me any happiness.

It's getting to the point where nothing I typically do to cheer myself up or keep my mind busy works, specifically downloading porn and masturbating. I'm not sure exactly what to do, now.

In other news, I've finally found a motive for doing things for myself. I just need to get with it. I figured out that one of the reasons my mom treats me the way she does, and not as an adult, is because I let her do things for me as if I were a child. For example, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Normally, I let my mom come back to the room with me because I'm nervous. However, for this appointment, I planned on having her stay in the waiting room.

Typically she asks, "Do you want me to come back with you?" But yesterday, she just automatically got up and came with me before I had time to tell her to stay in the waiting room. I had another opportunity to do things for myself when I could take my prescription to Martin's to get filled. But I had left my Medicaid card at home, so I was thinking that they couldn't fill it. My mom, though, said that since I had a script filled at another Martin's, that they would still do it, because they had all my information on file. Maybe subconsciously I was still too scared to do it, but in my mind I thought, "No way, I'll just do it next time we go into town." But, again, she went ahead and tried to do it. So that chance was lost.

And then again, today, she offered to call the Dowell J. Howard Center (the GED test center for this area), and see if she could take my info in and sign me up for me, because it wouldn't be worth it for me to go, due to all of the places she was going to by swinging by. I didn't want her to call, because that would be a huge letdown for myself. But she insisted, and I immediately regretted letting her do it.

Starting now, I'm going to stop letting her do things for me. I need to get out from under this dependency I seem to have on her.

A Wedding

My brother called earlier today to let us know that him and Anne couldn't come visit us until his semester is over. He's a psychology major, and he has to study these birds and rats and all sorts of things. Apparently he has to be there all the time to watch them (not non-stop, but you get the point). And the study isn't done until the end of his semester, so... pretty self-explanatory. But he offered to have us all come down one Saturday or Sunday and just kind of hang out for the day, maybe go out to dinner, etc.

Then, towards the end of the call, he told my dad that he couldn't find anyone else to be groomsman at his and Anne's wedding, and to ask me if I would like to be one. I'm not sure if I want to or not. I'd get to wear some spiffy duds and feel important, which is always a plus. But I'll also have to act as an usher of sorts before the ceremony begins. And, depending on what kind of wedding it is, I may be standing up at the altar with the rest of the groomsman and bridesmaids for quite a while, which would be a total bitch.

The wedding isn't until next June. I'm not sure when he needs to know by, but I'm sure I have a decent amount of time to make my decision.

Finally Getting Somewhere... Maybe

The other day I got a letter from Lord Fairfax saying that I had been accepted for admission. I wasn't as stoked as I thought I'd be when I got an acceptance letter from a college. But then, I think that's because I decided not to go to LFCC. San Francisco State University doesn't allow credits to be transferred unless you have at least 60. I'd only earn 17 in one semester at LFCC before I transferred, so there's really no point in going if my credits aren't going to be worth anything. It'd be a waste of my time and money.

So that's one less option to stress myself over. I can't stand spending another year here at home, but it's the only option I've got. At least I know, now, where I'm going. I still have to get my GED and figure out what to do about housing in SF. I emailed the woman who coordinates the GED testing in my area a few days ago, and she still hasn't written back. I'll probably have to call her if she doesn't write back by tomorrow. I hate the thought of calling someone, which is incredibly irrational. But I've long had a fear of talking to strangers on the phone. However, if it has to be done, it has to be done. It's time for me to grow up and deal with things like an adult.

I really need to test for the GED as soon as possible, because the application process for the Fall 2010 semester at SFSU starts October 1st, and ends November 31st. So I've got a fairly short window in which to submit my application.

As for the housing, well that's not as totally complicated. I originally planned on staying in dorms on campus. But when I talked to my mom about it and told her the price, she informed me how astronomical the price was. It really is, and I don't know how I missed it. I must've just thought, "Oh, financial aid is going to cover it, so what do I care?" But I looked at the dorm rooms, and did the math. It'll be roughly $1500 per month for a room that I'll be crammed in with another person. Not to mention hardly any privacy, since each floor shares a public bathroom. For somewhere around $800 a month, I could have relative privacy and the room to do pretty much whatever I wanted. So I'll most definitely be living off-campus.

One day last week, I started getting super stressed out over everything, and I couldn't sort everything out in my head. So I got out our old dry erase board and started jotting down important dates, people I need to contact, and things I just generally need to do for college. It's like my own little step-by-step list of what to do. It's really amazing at how much it's helped me out.

However, I've been plagued by pretty much sleepless nights for the past week or more. I don't know what it is, either. My sleeping schedule has been almost constant, and I don't stay up very late (2am at the latest, unless I'm able to stay online after my parents go to bed, which is rare). It's really bothering me, though. Last night was the strangest one so far. I would dream for a little bit, then wake up, and my whole body would feel really tired. Like, my joints were all achy. And whenever I fell back asleep and into a dream, it was the same dream. Which would cause me to wake up again. I don't remember exactly what the dream was, but a good analogy would be like if you were working, and then stopped. Then when you went back to working, some asshole would come and slap your face and yell, "Work harder!" Which would cause you to stop working, and thus start the cycle all over again.

I don't know what the hell is going on, but I really wish it stops, soon.

But, getting back to my future: I'm really glad that I'm seemingly getting somewhere with it all. I've felt kind of stuck in a funk with everything, like I'm trying to ice skate uphill. Finally I've gotten somewhere, eliminated some possibilities, and have a pretty definite view of what I'm working towards.

Boy does it feel good.

Missing Out

Well, Brandon and Carolyn are moving in together, today. I told Brandon a couple nights ago how I'm "exceedingly jealous".

Brandon, Carolyn, and I were supposed to get an apartment together, until everything kind of got fucked up and we had a falling out. Now I'm wishing so bad that nothing had happened, so that both Brandon and me would be moving in, today.

While it kind of hits a string when Brandon talks about it, I really don't mind at all. I can tell he's really happy about being able to move out of his parents' place again. Hell, I'd be jumping for joy, too, if I were moving out of my parents' house, haha.

I really wish Brandon would kind of invite me to come live with them, but I don't want to push him into anything. I'm not one to intentionally invite myself into situations, and I'm sure as hell not going to do it in this one. Although I have to question part of my reason for writing all this in my blog, too. Maybe I'm hoping he'll read this and think about it. I really hope not, though. I want him to ask (if he does, of course) because he wants me there, not because I want myself to be there.

I seriously can't stand living with my parents anymore, and I want to move out as soon as possible. Sometimes I take my future really seriously, while other times I think, "Well, I've got a whole four or more years to figure out my life, I might as well try different things out." So I end up having arguments with myself about whether it's right to want to move to Michigan or not. If I would move there, I'm pretty sure my parents would be really upset with me, and sometimes it's really important to me that I have their support. I've seen what it's like when they severely disapprove of what one of their children does, and I really don't want to be on the business end of their disapproval.

However, I also firmly believe that I have to do what I believe is right for me, and me only. That's harder than it sounds, though. What if moving to Brandon and Carolyn's would be the wrong move for me? Any number of things could go wrong. I love Brandon and Carolyn, and I believe strongly that we'd all be great living together, but you never know until you're in the situation.

Another thing to consider would be how in the hell I would support myself. Get a job, of course. But that's easier said than done, no matter where you are. Moreso in Michigan. I'd more than likely go to the same community college that Brandon is going to, and he's currently getting set up with a work-study job. Maybe I could do the same.

Of course, how I can really think this much ahead of myself? It's dreaming, really, because I have no indication that Brandon will ask if I want to move in with them.

Before anything happens, I need to make up with Carolyn. I really miss her, and it's weird talking to Brandon and not being able to talk to her, because they're always together when I talk to them. Not that I don't love talking to Brandon singularly, it's just odd not having Carolyn there.

Brandon has, actually, invited me to visit either during Christmas break or Spring break. I was thinking Christmas break, because it's sooner. But I just remembered that, since my brother, James, and his girlfriend Maryeli, got married, they want to have a celebration in Mexico just before Christmas. And during Christmas, my grandma wants the whole family to go to Florida to be together. Our whole family (meaning my parents and all my siblings) hasn't been together since James went off to college 6 years ago.

I wish I could visit Brandon sooner, but I guess we'll just see what happens.

Part of me feels super guilty for even writing this in my blog, where I have a strong feeling that Brandon will sooner or later read it. I feel like I'm intentionally doing this so I can inadvertently ask him if I can move in. But, at the same time, I also hate keeping things to myself, and I have to tell myself that someone is reading this blog and knows what's going on.

Purchases

I've ordered all of my stuff which I've decided to buy (obviously). I'm totally psyched about it. Everything together cost $739.79. But I think it's a fucking value considering what I'm getting:



Sony PlayStation 3 Slim



PS3 Remote



Killzone 2



Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots



Samsung P3



P3 Case




Altec Lansing Backbeat 906 Bluetooth Headphones


Everything should be here by the end of the week, or the first week of September at the latest. The PS3 Slim is due to be released on September 1st. When I originally placed my order for it on Amazon, they said that it was out of stock and that it would be delivered sometime between August 29th and October 5th. However, I received an email about 30 minutes ago saying that it would be delivered on September 1st. I'm so fucking stoked. The P3 is estimated to get here tomorrow. I feel like it's the best Christmas early!

My friend Apron downloaded Third Eye Blind's new album, Ursa Major, and uploaded it to his online hard drive. I was able to download it yesterday at the library, and I'm in love with it. As with their previous albums, it's damn brilliant. I'm completely obsessed with the song "Dao of St. Paul".

My mom, sister, and I went to northern Virginia today for a dentist appointment for us, and an orthodontist appointment for my sister. After the dentist visit (which went better than usual, haha), we stopped at a neat thrift store called The Bargain Loft, where my mom and sister got a few things. We also stopped at what we called, "The Bread Store" in Herndon, where we used to live. It's really called Great Harvest Bread Co. The bread is fucking amazing. It was strange driving through Herndon, though. We've been through the town countless times since we left, but we went through some parts we don't usually travel by, today, and it started to affect me.

After we stopped at The Bread Store and The Bargain Loft, we went to my sister's orthodontist. As we pulled into the parking lot, I said, "I have a feeling we're going to run into someone we know." We never did, at the orthodontist's office. We went to K-Mart, afterwards, though, and I saw a guy that used to control the starter and PA system at our swim meets. So, I guess I was kind of right. We did somewhat know him. Or at least recognized him.

Spending and Getting Friendly

Well, I'm getting a PlayStation 3, baby! Sony recently unveiled their new "slim" version of the PS3, with a starting price of $300. Oh, and it comes with a 120GB hard drive. Sweet, yeah? I'd say so. I decided to go ahead and buy it, along with two games: Killzone 2, and Metal Gear Solid 4. I'm so damn excited for it. But I'm in misery waiting. See, when my mom finally told me no to the laptop, I decided to just let it go. But, I also need a new mp3 player, which I was going to buy with the laptop. So I asked her if I could at least get the mp3 player. Her and my dad talked it over and said I could. It's a touchscreen Samsung P3 with bluetooth. So naturally, I'm getting some sweet bluetooth headphones with it, which also double as a headset for if I ever get a phone with bluetooth.

The P3 and headphones, along with a decent leather case for the P3, is about $300, exactly. So I transferred $365 (extra in case I decided to do rushed shipping) from my savings to my parents' bank account on Wednesday. On Thursday night, I found out about the PS3. I debated over it for hours, finally deciding that I would buy it. So, along with the games, everything comes out to $700. I had to transfer another $365 that night (bringing the total to $720), but it takes five days for the transfers to complete. Three days to transfer to an external bank, and two for the external bank to initiate a hold on the funds and confirm that the money is genuine. I won't have all the money until Tuesday, and I wish so bad I could just preorder the PS3 and the mp3 player and stop worrying about it, haha. But the PS3 doesn't ship until September 1, so I have plenty of time. It's just nerve-wracking sitting around waiting, haha. I have no idea how my family will respond to the PS3 showing up at the front door, but oh well!

I'm so excited, I even built a little shelf that's attached to our TV stand that can hold my Wii, PS2, and eventually the PS3. It also has a little cubby to hold my last five played games. It's going to be sweet. <3

Some other news is that me and Brandon made up, haha. Also on Thursday night, as it turns out. Our mutual friend, Kevin (kind of, since I don't really talk to him a lot), offered to help us talk it all out, haha. I agreed, and then waiting for Brandon to download and install MSN. I was so nervous, haha. I was shaking and got really cold. When he finally got in the chatroom, it all just kind of drifted away slowly. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. We both decided to just put it all behind us and start fresh. It feels awesome having Brandon back in my life again.

I would like to talk to Carolyn and patch things up there, but I don't quite know why she is so disliking of me at the moment. One night when I know I won't be forced to get off the internet abruptly, I'll be sure to IM her and try to work things out. I miss Carolyn, too.

Realization of Death

I don't know even where to begin this one. I don't fully know what I need to write down, even. But I need to let some of my thoughts and emotions out, because I feel like I might burst any minute with anger and sadness.

I wonder sometimes why I tell people the things I do. Not that I lie, or tell half-truths, or anything like that. What I mean is: I wonder if I tell people things just to get some pity and attention? I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth to friends is just a story with an ulterior motive for compassion. I find myself questioning everything I say, now. Because of it, though, I hardly ever elaborate on what's bothering me because I feel like I'm just seeking attention, hence the bottling of emotions.

Not that there's much anyone could do for me even if I did talk about my problems. And I'm not saying my friends are unreliable or useless. Far from it. It's just that there's only so much they can do from across the country or an entire ocean. Or maybe I'm just a stubborn son of a bitch and refuse to let someone help. Iunno.

The main thing that's had me in the slum lately is Athena's death. My friend, Allie, and I were talking about it a couple nights ago for a brief time. She told me how Ross (Athena's fiance, last I heard) has been a real wreck this past year. It just kind of started getting to me, thinking of how miserable he must be. And it suddenly dawned on me that Athena really is gone. I haven't been able to get that damn thought out of my head for two solid fucking days. No more crazed conversations about sex; no more computer-term euphemisms; no more sweet and random letters arriving in my mailbox from San Francisco. It's so hard to have an inescapable thought swirl around in your head: I feel like I could destroy this whole house out of the pain. It's so tough. I wish I could just have someone's shoulder to cry on, or at least talk to in person, to sit there and watch them listening intently.

The thing that angers me the most is how you can't turn back terrible things that have happened. It's so difficult to imagine her gone. It's like... She was here not long ago, and now it's like she disappeared without a trace. I guess that's why I wasn't affected by the news of her death right away. I just thought, "Oh, she's just taking a break from getting online. She's still there."

I can hardly do anything without being reminded of her. It's like when you break up with someone and you just see things of them everywhere you look.

I wish I could talk to someone that knew her. I debated whether or not to get in touch with Ross to offer support or my condolences. I even asked Allie what she thought, and eventually I decided against it. He has his own support people, he said, and that he wanted to keep it all on the DL. So I think one more person contacting him about it would be wrong. I began to think, then, if I really wanted to offer help, or if I wanted to use him as somebody I could use for support. I don't fucking know.

I miss her so much. I want her back.

Liar

I'm so pissed off right now. A few nights ago, me and my mom were sitting on the futon on our den, and I asked, "Hey, since I'm 18, can't I legally use my savings money if I want to?" She replied, "If you want to go spend $3000, go right ahead." I couldn't believe it. I thought it was permission to use my money how I see fit. But I wasn't sure, so the next night I asked her again, if that's what she really meant, and she said yes. Sweet Jesus!

So I began looking up laptops again, since the custom model I had chosen before was discontinued. I eventually settled on a Dell Studio 17 with a shitload of add-ons that make it a beast, but still a pretty decent price. It's a good all-around laptop, maybe even slightly on the gaming side. However, it doesn't come with a dial-up modem, so I did some searching and found a good one, a TrendNET USB modem, for about $30 from Amazon.

Altogether, the laptop, the USB modem, along with a laptop messenger bag and an 8GB flashdrive, the cost comes out to $1356.96. Not a terribly bad price for everything I get, in my opinion. Relatively cheap, actually.

But for the last few days, my mom's been trying to deny she even said I could spend my money. Everytime I bring it up about buying the laptop, she says we need to talk about it, or that I flatout can't spend the money. And everytime I bring up the fact that she said I could. But, again, every single time she denies it or tries to change her wording around so that she can say I possibly misinterpreted what she said. Bullshit.

I brought it up again tonight, because I'm fucking tired of waiting and putting this off. The same things happened again, and we started to get into an argument when I just stopped, because I wasn't getting anywhere. She then said, "This is why I didn't want to talk about it." Because she knows what she said and she can't deny it. Always, ALWAYS she tries to remind me how in the beginning she told me I had to be just about in school before I could get a laptop. Fuck that, because then I say that she said TWICE that I could spend my money, the latter time with my dad right in front of us. And I know he heard. I don't think he really cares which way it goes, but he definitely doesn't want to cross my mom.

I mean, fuck, I'm going to be getting a laptop eventually. I want to get it now while I'm still able to get it with all of my customizations. And there's also a promotion going on for free 3-5 day shipping on most orders, which mine qualifies for. It'd be cheaper to get it now than to wait and have the price go up even higher.

If you haven't noticed yet, me and my mom don't quite get along.

Nina v. Sweet Krissy

So, the laptop's back. And the speed of my posts has sort of dropped off, haha. I guess since it's been back, and since I still only have a couple hours a day on it, I try to get as much as I can get done. Unfortunately, I've pushed this blog near the bottom of the list.

So what's been going on? I really didn't think that much, but now that I dwell on the past few days, I suppose a decent amount of things have happened. Especially if we're judging by the thoughts and emotions going through me. Let's take this chronologically from oldest to newest events.

Brandon and Carolyn, of course, and what our mutual friend Apron told me a few days ago. Apparently, he was in a conversation with Brandon and Carolyn in which Brandon said, "Hey, you should call Josh." Apron said it was like he kind of felt bad about what happened, so he wanted to call and make amends. Apron asked what I would do if they called, and I said, "I dunno, I haven't decided. But the way I'm feeling right now, I'd probably say, 'Fuck off.'" I didn't really feel that way, at least not completely. I was actually debating whether I would let them back into my life or not. So the next night, I asked Apron more about it, starting with what the context of the conversation was. I don't remember what he said, but it wasn't anything big. He also mentioned that Carolyn said she didn't wanna talk to me, in a cold sort of way. It was odd, like both of them had switched places. At first, Carolyn was okay, and Brandon was the one acting all angry. I wasn't even aware I did a any-fucking-thing to Carolyn.

I can't believe I actually debated what to do. For the next few days I was on edge everytime the phone rang, constantly yelling, "If it's for me, I'm not here!" What a coward I am. I still prefer that they not call, but if they do, I know what to say.

I guess the next thing would be... Nina! Baha. Nina's the second of my two English friends (even though technically she's Australian -.-). We've become quite the flirtatious friends since I've gotten the laptop back. Well, honestly, we flirted a bit before, but we were having fun! But then, she also had a boyfriend then. Now things are a little more... risky, I guess is the word. Or serious. Whatever, haha. It's still flirting and teasing, and I absolutely love it! It has me slightly worried, though. I do love Nina, a lot, and I'm completely enamored with her, haha. But I'm not exactly sure what our status is. And I'm afraid to get too involved with someone who I can't physically see and touch.

Nonetheless, you can't stop emotions, so I'll just follow it wherever it goes. :)

Another thing on my mind about Nina is that, at this moment, I miss her. Christ, the last time I talked to her was the day before yesterday, but I just enjoy talking to her that much. Still, I can't help but think sooner or later my super emotionally-driven clingy side is going to show itself. Personally, I can't stand that side of me, but I also can't help it. Should anything with Nina (or any other girl for that matter) go any further, I'm pretty confident that part of me will come off as so damn unattractive and ugly that it'll kind of ruin what chances I have. Ah well. Like I said, follow it wherever it goes.

I think the next thing would be Sweet Krissy. Oh God, what a strange and complex mind-fuck this is. She's a pornstar. And for some reason, I'm completely obsessed with her. It's normal to be aroused by pornstars, of course. But it's hard for me to look at her and not stare at her whole body to find that beauty floods every part of it. I have more photos of her than any other category or pornstar in my 'collection', and I have a pretty big cache of porn on the computer. I don't quite know why, though. I just find her so beautiful, and it's to the point that after I masturbate to her, I actually just lay there staring at one of her pictures, imagining myself holding her after sex, smelling her hair, caressing her skin.

Like I asked Sammy earlier today: Have you been alone too long when you start being completely enamored with a pornstar? Iunno. She says not. I'm still considering, baha.

Here's a couple of my favorite pictures of her, because I need to find an excuse to look at them again:




I still can't quite put my finger on why she looks so amazing. I know one of the most attractive things in these pictures is her hair. It looks absolutely incredible.

College Troubles

I've decided against Boston University. It's a great college, and I'm sure I would've been happy there, but it was an extreme longshot to get in. Also, they have no Spring semester, and I couldn't stand staying here another year waiting for the Fall 2010 semester. So I began looking at other schools, mostly ones in San Francisco. I narrowed it down to two: San Francisco University, and San Francisco State University. SFU is a Jesuit school, and I'd rather not go to a university with a religious affiliation.

I was just looking at SFSU, and got some depressing news. Because of the California financial crisis, the school is unable to accept applications for the Spring semester. Fuckers, haha. But I'm really liking the school, so I may just go to LFCC for a year, then transfer to SFSU. Another possibility is going to France for working abroad. I've always wanted to go to Europe, and it's a pretty damn cheap way to see it (a part of it, anyway). Nonetheless, it's still quite a substantial amount of money to do it, so I'll need to look into any possible financial aid.

Another concern is whether I'm doing this more to see a couple friends I have in England more than for my own personal growth and experience. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But like I've said before, I need to start doing things for myself.

Oh, also, we got a replacement hard drive for our laptop, so that's back. I'm actually typing this blog at home, haha. Yay! It's a little weird having the computer back after not having it to use for so many months. I've even noticed that I'm not always trying to get online. Or at least, not as passionately, haha.

Some Japanese Poems

Earlier in one of my recent blog posts I put in a Japanese Poem from Shika Waka Shu, a collection of ancient Japanese poems. I wanted to put down a few other poems I read in the collection which mean something to me. They don't really have any titles, just numbers and what section of the book they're in. So, here we go.

Sundry
325. That rain coming down
Even to my very feet
Must be tears, in fact,
Because I am torn by the thoughts
Of the ins and outs of things.

281. The emotion of
Detesting those who may be
Unsympathetic,
Is much more miserable
Than falling flowers may be.

379. The essence of the
White River which sustains
us,
Can be discovered
By anyone who might dip
Into its flow in the heavens.

415. How can I reveal
The moonlight which is concealed
Deep inside my heart,
So that it can show the way
To people lost in the dark.

Autumn
109. Because what blows in
Is a wind with a certain
Amount of appeal.
The poignancy I will feel
Is simply going to chill me.

Winter
158. What would we do if
The one we are waiting for
Were to arrive now!
I would regret walking on
The snow there in the garden!

A Dream*

I just remembered! I had a dream about Sammy last night, haha. Lately, I haven't been remembering dreams, so go me!

I'm going to try to write down as much of it as I can remember (while simultaneously listening to Sonata Arctica, since I only have my PSP for listening purposes at the mo').

The first bit I remember is pulling into a tiny stone driveway. I was thinking, Damn European cars and their tininess. We were outside what looked like a stone house or cottage. Turned out to be a McDonald's, haha. Inside the restaurant, I felt like everyone knew I was an American because of the looks they were giving me.

Sammy, Matt (Sammy's boyfriend; Hell if I know why the heck Sammy's friends or boyfriends always turn up in my dreams along with her), and I walked up to the counter to order. Matt didn't look like himself, and I don't know why. He was tall, but pencil-thin.

Anyway, Sammy ordered, then it was my turn. I looked up and saw this glass case with food you wouldn't typically see in a Mickey D's; though it seemed normal in the dream. All of the food was labeled with really weird, foreign names--none of which I understood. So I just ordered some fries (and assumed the worker knew what I was saying). Then Sammy and I went to sit down. That's as far as I can remember.

So... there you go! I had a dream about me and Sammy going to McDonald's. xD It's been a while since I've dreamt of Sammy, though, so it was pretty damn cool getting to "see" her, again.

Oh, and another thing: Dell is sending us a free replacement hard drive. So, assuming it'll fix the computer and be the correct hard drive, I should be back online at home within the next couple days. -10:50am

For Sammy

One quick thing before I have to leave the library. Sammy's been asking for a photo of the kittens, and I have yet to upload any. However, my sister had me take one of her for her MySpace earlier today, so I'll put that one up to hold Sammy over until I get to uploading the rest. Enjoy, Samzters!

Elaborating*

7/22/09 - 11:01PM
Alright, I'm going to try to tackle the whole Nick & Norah deal. It seems so silly to have a movie cause so much emotion and thought. But it's not exactly the movie at face value. It simply represents another life I could be living.

I read a poem earlier from Shika Waka Shu, a collection of Japanese poems. It goes as follows:

"Because what blows in
Is a wind with a certain
Amount of appeal.
The poignancy I will feel
Is simply going to chill me."

I think it partly says how the movie is making me feel. I love the movie, but it saddens me when I compare it to my life. Which is stupid, because it's a movie, therefore it can't be 100% realistic. But certain aspects are true to life. It evokes feelings which are long lost and long missed, the biggest one being that feeling you get where things may not be perfect--you may not even be happy--but you still wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where you are in that moment, nor with anyone else than the fantastic company you're already in.

No matter how much I write about this, I still feel like I am not even coming close to explaining how I really feel. Just laying close to someone, looking right into their eyes, running a hand through their soft hair, and simply talking to them sounds like the most appealing thing in the world right now.

Fuck.

"Look, other bands, they wanna make it about sex or pain. But The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? 'I want to hold your hand.'

"That's what everyone wants...! They don't want a 24-hour humpfest, they don't wanna be married to you for 100 years; they just wanna hold your hand."

Thought Processes*

7/21/09
Today's been a slow day, and my Aderol is causing me to feel like I need to accomplish something. So, without another thing to do, I'm going to write. (Gasp!)

I realized I haven't really written about what's been going on with me, lately. Aside from the college stuff, that is. I guess it'd be the stuff I've been thinking about.

One of those things, unfortunately, is Brandon and Carolyn. But what else can someone who's short on friends but abundant in time do? It's frustrating, because they don't even deserve to be in my thoughts, and yet I still find myself reliving in my head all the shit we did and how it all came to a screaming halt. When you have as much time to think as I do, you begin to consider different things. And the fact that I've been lied to before by friends doesn't help the theories. The foremost biggest of which is that Brandon and Carolyn set it all up to have a reason to stop talking to me. I mean, it all just looks fishy to me. They both get in some fight, of which I don't witness firsthand. Then Brandon drops a bombshell on me, saying, "I know you'll tell Carolyn, anyway." Although I tell him I won't, as per his request. Then she calls, asks me what all he said, and even though I resist, she keeps pressuring, so I tell her the bombshell. (I just remembered that before I talked to Brandon, I was on the phone with Carolyn, and she asked me to let her know what Brandon would say.)

Anyway, then she goes and tells Brandon that I told her. Wham, friendship over.

It doesn't really matter, though, because the friendship is gone, and it's not coming back. I wouldn't even let them back in my life on the offhand chance that they try to make up with me. The only purpose any of my theories serve is to make me feel like none of it was my fault. Hence the reliving of memories, scanning them all for an instance where maybe I brought it on myself. I'm really only about 70% sure it wasn't my fault.

It's really all for the better, though. Consider if we all were still friends: I'd go on a road trip without my parents' permission; fuck up our relationship because of it; and more than likely financially rape myself at 18 by moving to Michigan and paying for an apartment with my small amount of savings.

I really need to start thinking for and of myself. That's one good thing about being alone: you don't have other people influencing your decisions. It's sad that I'm just realizing how apt I am to live my life around others. The other day I was talking to my mom about apply to Boston University when she asked what has happened to me wanting to go to Southern Utah University. I had completely forgotten about it! It was a school I was considering when me and Laura still wanted to be near each other. I'm so glad I didn't decide to go there, because it was in a rural setting, and it just really didn't attract me. I want to live in an urban or suburban setting, where there's no shortage of things to do or people to do them with. I think I would've been miserable at SUU.

Now that I'm free of constraints, I can choose for myself what I want to do with my life.

Another thing that's been on my mind isn't really a memory or a plan, or anything in particular. It's more like a feeling, but the sensation makes it feel like a memory. It's so damn weird. I have no idea why it happens, and it seems to occur at random times. What "it" is, is a vision of this bright, sunny sidewalk next to a big white building. I don't know specifically where it is, but definitely in California. Like I said, it feels like a memory, as if I've been there before. But I've never stepped foot in California. And I can't even fully imagine it in my mind. I just get this sense of what it's like to walk along the sidewalk in the mid-afternoon Californian sun. Whatever it is, I hope I find out what the significance of it is.

I had originally planned to write more about Nick & Norah, and then decided to get to it after what I just put down. But I've forgotten what I was going to write about it. I will certainly remember, though. 'Till next time.

Oh, and it was dark when I sat down to write, so I put in a light on my desk:

Nick, Norah, and College*

I wrote some entries in my notebook, and am now transferring them. From now on, any title of a blog post that has an asterisk next to it is a post that was not written at that exact time and place.

7/21/09
I watched Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist yesterday morning. I was working all of Sunday to get my desk finished by Monday, so my brother, Lucas, and his fiance could see it. I stayed up until 2am painting the surfaces (having stained the standards on Saturday night). Anyway, I still had a couple more surfaces to do the second and final coat on before Lucas and Anne arrived at around 10:30am, on Monday. So I went to bed at 2 on Sunday (technically Monday) and woke up at 7 to paint. I wanted to leave the paint with enough time to dry to the touch, which is about 2 hours.

None of this really matters, though. It just explains why I was up so early, haha.

After I finished painted and while waiting for it all to dry so I could assemble the whole desk, I decided to watch Nick & Norah, which I had gotten from the library the day before.

The move was great; I really loved it. It's hard to describe it, though. It has the silly humor of something like American Pie, but the plotline itself is more serious. It got me really depressed. Like, I know I'm sad and feeling alone, but I've grown to live with it, so I typically just pass it on to the back of my mind. This movie, however, brought it all rushing to the front.

For one thing, Michael Cera's character reminds me a lot of myself. Especially in the first secene, where he leaves his ex a voicemail. If I hadn't known better, I'd think it was me. He was just so awkward and rambling on and on, haha. I think anyone I've ever left a voicemail for would totally agree, but none of those people are really still in my life, much less reading this blog.

The movie on a whole got to me. It had (or has) everything I want in my life: a totally bitchin' love interest; amazing friends to get into trouble with; and the freedom to go out and have these amazing times with all of them that you'll remember forever.

I mean, shit, I crave that stuff so much that by the end of the movie, I loved Kat Dennings's character and felt like I had two (hot) gay guys for friends.

And, like I said, I was incredibly depressed by the end, and all of Monday, I pretty much stuck to myself, even though Lucas and Anne were here. I slept a lot, also, which my mom asked about later. I told her I only got 5 hours of sleep the night before, which was true. But I think I also slept more than enough to make up for it. When I used to get depressed, I tended to sleep a lot so I could escape my thoughts.

Fuck, I wish I could jump right into college and at least feel like I could go out with someone. Or at least to make some friends. It's so saddening to suddenly see how devoid your life is of a sense of belonging.

Speaking of college, I sent my SAT scores to LFCC. I'm not sure if that's what they needed me to do to show I scored over 500 in the sections, or if I should bring my copy of scores with me when I go to take the placement test. I'll take it along just in case. I may need to call the testing center and ask about the Ability to Benefit test, which is for those without a GED/diploma and plan to apply for federal aid. You're supposed to take it at the same time as the placement test, so I dunno if I need to let them know ahead of time or not. I've also started my FAFSA and Common App for BU, but I'll need some info from my parents so I can complete them. It's frustrating that I have to wait fro some of this--that I can't get it over with! But, oh well. I'm on my way, baby!

Oh, and I want my fucking laptop already, haha. I just need to make sure it comes with a modem before I'm absolutely sure it's the one I'm going to get. I want to be able to get online at home as well as school.

My mom's friend's husband looked at our laptop and said it was the hard drive (as me and Brandon figured out months ago). He's going to look for a replacement hard drive for us. So I don't think it'll be much longer 'till we have our laptop back.

Oh, and here's the finished desk:

Boom, baby!