The Beginning

So this would be the start of a real blog for me. I think I'm off to a pretty dramatic start, what with the title of this first post and all.

I'll hop right into it. No sense in making a blog if I won't just post what's on in my life, right?

I stayed up all night last night talking to my friends Brandon and Carolyn on the phone last night. I'm so glad I did. Normally I'm only on for two hours, but the conversations were so all over the place. It went from serious to funny like the snap of fingers. We all talked about our futures, really. Not to mention, of course, the constant deprecating of Carolyn. Gotta love it.

As far as our futures go, we all have thrown around the idea of us three getting an apartment together sometime towards the end of this summer. We all have our differing reasons for doing this, but at the same time there's a constant shared goal: to get out on our own. I'm not sure how it got to be that we three could be living together. I think it may have something to do with the fact that none of us really has anyone else that can help us other than... us. Brandon and Carolyn would be going to college, while I would be taking the year off to experience some new things. With the way my mother is at home, I cannot live here another year. And there's no one I'd trust more to live with than Brandon and Carolyn.

I should mention that I've never met either of them. And to some that's absolutely insane to even consider living with someone you've never met. I don't see it as so. Our trio of a friendship is strange and confusing at times, but it's always something that you can just tell is cherished by all of us, even if we never really express it. And to me, I believe it's doing the right thing, for myself and all of us, that we live together.

I turn 18 this Sunday, on the 19th. I'm homeschooled. I live in the middle of nowhere, in a cramped trailer. We've lived in this piece of shit for the last 5 or 6 years, while we on-and-off build our log home, no more than 10 feet from the trailer. It's too cramped. There's no privacy. My mom, being the way she is (and me being how I am), we're never getting along. This all sounds like the same story of any teenager, and I don't expect to convince you to change your stance on the issue, or viewpoint. This blog isn't for someone who may be reading to judge me or what have you. It's for me. Plain and simple.

Let me explain my mom. I found the perfect metaphor for it just yesterday as I was writing one of my dearest friends: I, being the unstoppable force, constantly come in contact with her, the immovable force. She's the dictator of our household. One sly look of the eye, and everyone knows what she could be saying: Something along the lines of, "Don't fuck with me, I'm in charge here."

I can't live with her anymore. I love her, I really do. But I think we're too much the same for either of us to stand the other one.

On the car ride here today, to the library (since the laptop is out of commission, haha), I brought up Brandon, Carolyn, and I living together. It was the first time I had. She kind of shunned it aside, thinking I was just talking to myself more than anyone (or so she pretended). "Here we go again," she said. She really was ignoring me, not wanting to confront it. A little later I said that Carolyn and I had decided that all three of us should meet, soon, so that we could make a decision as to if we should move in together or not. The purpose of this meeting is purely to see if we can remotely get along in person. I then proceeded to tell my mom about Carolyn and mine's plan. She just said, "Uh huh. When were you thinking of doing this?"

"Weekend after this one."

When I told my mom this, she almost scoffed, in a patronizing kind of way. "I'm sorry to say this, but it will take more than a weekend for you guys to see if you can live together. Besides, we don't know these kids."

"So?" I replied.
"So we're not letting you go see these people you've never met."
"What are you going to do about it? I'll be 18."

She then took her finger and slammed it down on an imaginary table in the car as she spoke each word: "So-while-you'll-living-in-our-house-you'll-be-under-our-rules."

I said, "How am I supposed to get out and living on my own if I can't meet with them?"

"You can go to college."
"I'm not going to college next year, mom, remember?"
"We're not talking about this right now."

And just like that, the conversation was over. I won't be surprised if it's never brought up again by her. I think she feels I'm being a dumb kid, having stupid dreams that I'll never attain. Or maybe she's telling herself that, but in reality she just doesn't want to let me go. Or she feels I'm not ready to go out into the world yet.

I need to go sometime. And as for it taking more than a weekend for us to see if we're compatible roommates, I've just thought of something. Me and Brandon are pretty good at kind of reading people's emotions, their characteristics and personality. I think after two days with all of us together, me and him would have a pretty good idea of how we'd all fit together. Honestly, I think we'd get along just fine. But I'm not so wreckless as to go ahead and move to Michigan without even seeing first.

I don't care if my mom says I have to do as she says. I'm moving out at the end of the summer no matter what. I'll try bringing up this whole thing again tonight or tomorrow. If it turns out the same way as this one, I'll take my friend's advice: "...don't worry about moving out and just...don't worry. I remember how scared I was about telling my Mum that I was moving out, but I just decided to do it really quick like a plaster and rip it off. Everything turned out ok, look how happy I am now :) I'm a free agent, I have no bed time, I enjoy the cleaning and cooking, it's just all lovely. If you want to move out, just do it. You won't regret it, I promise. The confines of the home that your parents live in are just too much for anyone in my opinion. What you must start doing though is just having lazy nights in with Carolyn and Brandon."

That's what I look forward to the most: being a "free agent", as she put it. I'm a very responsible and mature person. I'm not like any other person my age, and the same goes for Brandon and Carolyn. All three of us have grown up in three separate living conditions, all of them shitty. And it's only made each of us all the more ready to take on the world, for lack of a better phrase.

I think we can do it. And if Carolyn's able to, we will do it.