Nervous, much?

I’ve got the GED tests tomorrow. It either starts at 7:30 or they want you there at 7:30 for check-in. Either way, I want to make sure we get there well before then, so I think me and my mom will leave around 6:35ish. I asked my dad to wake me up at 5:45 so I could get ready in time. I’m nervous as balls. So much is riding on these tests. I really regret not studying up some on the subjects a few days ago, but I told myself that it could be done a couple days before the test (classic procrastinator, eh?). But when the today and yesterday got here, I was too nervous to even concentrate.

I really hate having to wake up early for things that are super important like this. The morning is cold and it makes me shake even more than usual in my nervousness. Hopefully, the same thing will happen to me that happened when I went to take my SATs last October: On the way there I’ll just mellow out and be like, “What happens, happens.”

The tests also take all day to take (pretty much). I’m not sure when they’re over, exactly, but it’s sometime in the afternoon (I’m thinking 2 or 3). So, not only am I waking up early for something I’m dreading, but it’s going to be something that lasts all day. Great!

At least it won’t be as bad as the SATs, from an emotional standpoint. When I took the SATs, I took them at James Wood with a bunch of students that go there. Everyone was talking to each other and whatnot, and I just kinda stood there feeling awkward and alone. But with the GED, it’ll be given at Lord Fairfax, and a lot of the people are adults who haven’t been in high school in a few years, if not a couple decades. So I won’t be the only one who’s pretty much never seen anyone else who’s also taking the test.

I’m gonna be going to bed in 40 minutes or so. As if I’ll be able to fall asleep. I’m nervous, and midnight is two hours before my normal bedtime. I bet I’ll get hardly any sleep at all. Oh well. I’m lucky that when I get little sleep, it doesn’t affect me until later in the day, not right away.

I guess I better go and distract myself. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be over!

GED Test Coming Up

I was able to go for the registration/orientation at Dowell J. Howard, today. My mom and sister took the metro into Vienna to give us a little bit more time. We got to D.J. Howard at about 4:45, 15 minutes ahead of time. We went in, I signed the visitor log, and got a sticker. Then my dad wrote the center a check for $45. My dad left to put some air in the car tires, while I went back to Room 112. There was a lady sitting outside the classroom door at a little table, and she filled out the necessary stuff on my form that was supposed to be filled out by an official. After that, I went into the room and sat down, then finished filling out the form and initialing and signing a Code of Conduct contract.

At about 5:05, the principal of Dowell J. Howard (I think) gave a little speech about how this whole thing worked, and then said once we had filled out our forms, to go up to the front of the class, hand the lady our forms, Social Security cards, government issued ID, and pre-registration form. Oh, and the check.

I then sat there until about 5:30, when some guy went up to the desk, handed the lady his stuff, and asked if he had to stay. She said, “Unless you want to see a video on how to use the calculate we provide, then no.” I thought about that, and about the time. Since we had to meet my mom and sister in Vienna, I just decided to get up and leave.

So, me and my dad went to the Vienna metro station around 7:15 and waited for about 45 minutes for my mom and Mariah to get there. On the way home, they told us a bunch of stuff about their trip. It got me really excited for when Andrew comes for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas. Last year for Christmas he got me this Sun Print kit, where the paper develops under direct sunlight. So you basically just lay some shape or design that you like on top, leave it in the sun for a few minutes, and you have a wicked silhouette. I really like it, but I’ve only used four of the ten sheets. I feel bad, because it seems like I never use it because I don’t like it. But I just never really have the time to make a photo, or the creativeness to think of what design I want to do next. For Christmas this year, I think I’ll make Andrew a skyline silhouette of New York. But if I do that, I’ll probably have to make something for everyone else. Oh well, I think I might enjoy delving into my creative side a bit more than I usually do!

I’ve also been thinking about my porn addiction. I think it’s really starting to become detrimental to other aspects of my life. So, my plan is to stop. Pretty much cold turkey. It’ll be hard, definitely, but I don’t need one single thing to get in my way, especially at this point in my life. I won’t delete the porn I have so far, but I will stop downloading anything new. It’s gone too far.

Anyway, back to topic. I’m finally all set to take the GED tests. It’s this Saturday at Lord Fairfax. I’m supposed to get something in the mail within the next couple days that will have more details. I need to find out what time testing starts and directions, if one or neither of those are included in the letter I get. I’m almost one huge step closer to my own life! I can’t wait, baby!

Time Constraints

My mom and sister went to visit my oldest brother, Andrew, in New York on… Thursday, I think it was. They’ll be coming back tomorrow. My dad is supposed to go into DC to pick them up from the bus stop. But I realized that the GED Registration/Orientation I need to go to for my test date is tomorrow, as well, from 5 PM to 6 PM. My mom told my dad on the phone last night that she’s been bugging me to find out about this, and that if it interferes with picking them up, then that’s too bad. But I could’ve sworn I told her about this before, at least two or more weeks ago.

Either way, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about it right now. My mom and dad will talk to each other later tonight, so maybe they can work something out, depending on when my mom and sister are supposed to arrive in DC. About the only thing we can do if the times seriously conflict is have them ride the metro into Vienna, which will buy me some time. Or maybe I won’t necessarily have to stay for orientation, like it’s an optional thing. I don’t know what they could really tell us about the GED that I don’t already know.

If I miss this registration, I’ll have to wait another month before I can finish my registration and take the test, which will seriously mess with my application to SFSU (that is due November 1st, by the way). Maybe I can say that I haven’t yet graduated, and am waiting to receive my diploma. I’ll have to do that anyway, I think, because I don’t have enough math credits to submit my application, so I have to take a new math course this year to make up. I’ll have to go look at the application later tonight and see what my options are.

Homosexuality

Since last night I’ve really been craving a guy. Not solely in a sexual way, but just in general. It’d just be really nice to cuddle with someone nice and strong (how gay is that? hahaha).

And, I won’t lie, it’d really be nice to have someone who has as high a sexual drive as I do, and doesn’t make me feel like I have to earn our sex. Just to be carefree about it, y’know?

Later tonight (or maybe in the next few minutes; mom’s supposed to get home soon, so no idea how much time I have), I’ll look and ask around the net about some kind of site that helps you find gay guys in your area. There’s always MySpace and Facebook (just Facebook, really, since I deleted my MySpace a week or more ago), but I think it’s weird talking to people out of the blue like that. At least on a website that’s meant for it you’re expecting random guys to message you.

I hope I have some good luck! Because, honestly, I also really just want a good fuck with a guy.

Day Six and Progress

I read an article a few days ago about what you’re really doing when you crack your neck (which I had been doing quite a lot of the last couple of years). Apparently, if you keep at it, you can eventually cause some pain-in-the-ass neck problems later on, and have a higher chance of getting arthritis in your neck. So I’ve decided to stop, because neck pain is a bitch as it is, and I don’t want it to get any worse. So far I’ve gone six days without cracking my neck. Look at me go! The article said that after two to three weeks, you should notice a decent improvement on your neck.

Last Friday we had our final inspection. We passed! So that means that this lot is officially no longer a construction site (of which it’s been for the last 6+ years). We didn’t really celebrate, or even note the significance of it. It was just another point we passed on the road to finishing this house.

I’ve also started helping my dad put the floor down in the great room (I’m not sure why living rooms are called ‘great rooms’ in log homes). We’re almost done with it, though. The great room, that is. After that, it’s on to my mom’s room, then the upstairs or my mom’s closet. Either way, it’s a huge improvement upon what it looked like before. Here are some pictures:





















































I really love the way the floor looks. Plus, it’s a whole lot easier to imagine that room filled with family members during Christmas. I’m so psyched about it!

In other news, I messaged Jenn on Facebook. My friend, Allie, kind of convinced me to do it. Lately, I’ve been thinking it’d be nice to be friends with Jenn. She replied last night, and she didn’t seem put-off or anything in her message, so that’s good. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get laid for the first time in two years, haha. But, honestly, I’d rather have a friend first and get laid second.

Milly and 24/7 Fearfest

We went to see my Grandma Milly, today. It was really nice seeing her. We haven’t been to visit her since my brother came for Christmas last year. We all went out for lunch to IHOP, and I think we all ordered a little more than we could eat, haha. It was funny seeing three generations of my family all together at once, because you can definitely see how we’re all alike. It’s almost uncanny at times, how much we’re the same. But, again, it was really great seeing her.

I’ve also been thinking about how easy things are when you’re young. All you really worry about is homework and when you get in insignificant fights with your best friends. And now, I don’t go one day without being scared of something: Will I get into the college I want? Is my life going where I want to? What would happen if I’m unable to do this or that? It’s really damn frustrating, and a terrible way to lead a life. What type of world is this when you can’t go one day worry-free? It seems absolutely senseless.

Christmas Plans

My mom called my brother, James, yesterday and they talked for quite a while. Originally we had all planned to go to my grandma’s for Christmas, but we all figured out that it would be too difficult coordinating everyone’s schedules and whatnot around Christmas. And then, since James and his girlfriend, Mariyeli, got married, her father was going to have everyone fly to Mexico for a big celebration. But that, also, has become impossible. So my brother offered the suggestion that he and Mariyeli fly to DC for Christmas and spend time with us. We really don’t see why it couldn’t work, at the moment.

It has all of us pumped up and excited. Because of it, everyone here has started working on getting the house more livable and just generally looking better for when they come. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a ‘traditional’ Christmas, so I think we’re all working our best to make it happen. I prepared the great room for my dad so he could start putting the wood floor down. Once that’s down, we can start moving some of our furniture into it, along with the TV, which is currently in our office/den (because the great room was filled up with stuff from the trailer, haha).

I think it’ll be really amazing, having everyone here for Christmas. It’ll feel like this big house will finally have some warmth to it. There’s really nothing like having a house full of family. I never really noticed until now, but everything is considerably quieter since my three older brothers moved out. I really miss having the craziness of seven people living under one roof.

I can’t wait for Christmas!

That Old Feeling

I've had bouts of depression the last few days. I was struck by another case of it earlier this evening, and it's still affecting me. I feel like there's really nothing to fill up my life with happiness, right now. Which totally explains why I spent my money on all that shit, and just recently bought Grand Theft Auto IV. I love the game, and I love everything I bought. But, as expected, none of it really brings me any happiness.

It's getting to the point where nothing I typically do to cheer myself up or keep my mind busy works, specifically downloading porn and masturbating. I'm not sure exactly what to do, now.

In other news, I've finally found a motive for doing things for myself. I just need to get with it. I figured out that one of the reasons my mom treats me the way she does, and not as an adult, is because I let her do things for me as if I were a child. For example, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Normally, I let my mom come back to the room with me because I'm nervous. However, for this appointment, I planned on having her stay in the waiting room.

Typically she asks, "Do you want me to come back with you?" But yesterday, she just automatically got up and came with me before I had time to tell her to stay in the waiting room. I had another opportunity to do things for myself when I could take my prescription to Martin's to get filled. But I had left my Medicaid card at home, so I was thinking that they couldn't fill it. My mom, though, said that since I had a script filled at another Martin's, that they would still do it, because they had all my information on file. Maybe subconsciously I was still too scared to do it, but in my mind I thought, "No way, I'll just do it next time we go into town." But, again, she went ahead and tried to do it. So that chance was lost.

And then again, today, she offered to call the Dowell J. Howard Center (the GED test center for this area), and see if she could take my info in and sign me up for me, because it wouldn't be worth it for me to go, due to all of the places she was going to by swinging by. I didn't want her to call, because that would be a huge letdown for myself. But she insisted, and I immediately regretted letting her do it.

Starting now, I'm going to stop letting her do things for me. I need to get out from under this dependency I seem to have on her.