The Fitting

I got back about two hours ago from staying the weekend at Anne’s house. I went there for a tuxedo fitting, and I think the whole wedding party was there, minus one or two people. It was a great time, and I’m glad I went (as if I really had a choice, anyway, baha). One of Anne’s bridesmaids was like, super hot, and I think I kinda creeped her because I looked at her slightly more than everyone else, y’know? Like I didn’t hit on her or anything, but… Iunno.

Anyway, I was able to download a shitload of updates and demos on my PS3 while I was there, which was nice. I also got a bit of gay porn videos that Cisco (formerly known as Brandon) uploaded to my online hard drive. I’m encoding two of them, now, to put on my PSP and watch in a little bit.

Last night we all got a little drunk, myself for the first time. It’s a really strange sensation. Like you know you’re drunk, but you feel like you can still control your actions and stuff. I can definitely see the appeal to it, but I don’t think it’s anything I’d ever do on any kind of regular basis. Especially since the nausea just kicked in about an hour ago, and hasn’t really gone away since.

I was so confused while I was there. Like, I was really really happy because I felt like I was just having an awesome time with friends and shit, which I haven’t done in forever. But then in the back of my head I was thinking, “You have to go back to doing nothing all the time on Sunday; all this will go away by then.” It’s just like… I want that! I want friends to hang out and be stupid with, have memories with and shit. But instead I’m stuck in this fucking house with my family all the time, not able to truly be myself. It fucking angers me like no other. I want to get out!

Anne offered to let me visit hers and Lucas’s apartment for a weekend every so often, once they move into one. I’m going to take them up on it to get away from my mom/family, if not to visit them.

I also felt kind of out of place with everyone. Like they all knew each other real well. And like I said, they all had memories and stuff. But I was just kind of sitting there, politely smiling like an idiot while they discussed their lives. I don’t want to be them, or like them, because that’s not who I am. But I just want a circle of friends that I can hang out with and relate to things on, y’know?

Everyone there had someone there, also. Except for Lucas’s best man, Bradley. But even he had a girlfriend (or soon-to-be fiancé, I think). It was so depressing, looking around at amazing couples, and realizing just how lonely and empty your life has been for the past three+ years.

Last night when we went to the movies, afterwards we went to Uncle Julio’s for dinner. On the way there, Bradley was looking around and noticed that Christina and Tyran (I think that’s how you spell his name), and Lucas and Anne were holding hands or some other form of embrace, and then looked at me and laughed. He said, “I feel like we should be holding hands.” I replied, “Do you want to?” jokingly. He came by and we held hands, though, to be funny. It was funny, because I didn’t give a shit if anyone saw. Because I’m sure if someone did see, they’d assume we were two gay guys. Like, I don’t care about Bradley in any kind of way like that, but it was kind of a… revelation, I guess. I didn’t give a shit if anyone in public knew that I was gay, which really surprised me.

Also last night, when we were drunk, we watched A Perfect Getaway before we all went to bed. Beforehand, though, we were watching a preview for that movie (which Bradley was trying to get us all to watch), and a movie called Orphan, that Anne was campaigning for. During the preview of Orphan, I said that the chick in it looked hot. And then I said, “Whoever that guy is is hot, too.” (It was Peter Saarsgard). I realized like, two minutes later, just how gay it sounded, bahaha. I’m kind of wondering if Anne caught onto it, because she wasn’t drunk like the rest of us. Oh well. I’m kind of debating coming out to her, but I’m afraid, as well, that she might blab about it to people.

If I could sum the whole weekend up in one sentence, it’d be this: I can’t fucking stand my life, right now, and I wish it would change so I could actually have a circle of friends to have fun with.