Change The Song

20 Years of Snow

2010-02-09T00:02:00.001-05:00

I have pictures of the blizzard, but I’m too lazy to upload and link them. We’re completely snowed in. We’ve shoveled paths to the dog kennel and cars, but the driveway is still covered in about three feet of snow. Our neighbors plowed the road, but completely snubbed us as far as plowing our driveway. Which kind of pisses me the fuck off, because we’re literally stranded here until the driveway is clear. Which means we can’t go out to fill up on food or gas or whatever we may need.

And we’re going to need some supplies, because we’re supposed to get twenty more inches of snow tomorrow night and Wednesday morning/afternoon. It’s so fucked. Who knows how long it’ll be ‘till we’re able to get out of here for food. Like, we don’t usually go anywhere a lot, anyway. But it’s just the prospect of literally being trapped here that’s kind of frightening.

Plus, we’re supposed to get 40 MPH winds with the snow. So our power is almost definitely going to go out for a few hours, if not for a couple of days. It’s going to be miserable. I don’t mind not having electronics. I actually pride myself in being able to separate myself from technology when the power goes out, instead of making myself miserable because I can’t get online or play video games or whatever. What’s going to make it suck is that we’ll have no heat, and nothing to do at night when there’s no light. I mean, we have the woodstove, sure. But that hasn’t been heating too efficiently the last few days.

Honestly, what truly scares me is all this snow. This will be the third big snowstorm in one season. That’s never happened before in history for this area (and I think it’s pretty rare for most areas). When it’s over and done with, we’ll have gotten more than five feet of snow this winter. It’s like mother nature is throwing a major bitchfit. It actually reminds me a lot of the movie The Day After Tomorrow. Obviously it’s not on such a great, catastrophic scale. But it’s so fucking bizarre getting so much snow so quickly all of a sudden.

I’m dreading this week so much.

Blizzard Entertainment

2010-02-06T02:08:00.001-05:00

Well, what I’m sure will become known as “The Blizzard of 2010” began earlier today. Well, I guess since I woke up, around 10. (Even though this post will get posted after 12AM on February 6, I’m still considering it to be February 5.)

It’s crazy shit outside. The snow is already around 2 feet, and I think we’re expected to get around 3 feet, maybe a little less. But I can’t honestly remember the last time it snowed this much. Maybe the Blizzard of ‘96, but I was too young, then, to fully understand the scale of it.

Anyway, I’ll be sure to post some pictures of it and stuff, tomorrow. Tonight, I’m going to be writing about Stephanie.

To paraphrase (because I’m getting tired of getting too caught up in the details): I suspected her of lying about living in Virginia, due to things posted/displayed on her Facebook. That suspicion was pushed further by things I heard from Molly, about two guys she was (as I understood it) kind of pitting against each other, which totally made her out as a drama queen. After Michele and Marie, I don’t suffer liars. So I deleted her from all my friends lists.

Last night, I got a nudge from her on MSN. I wasn’t at my computer at the time, so when I got back I simply replied, “Sup?” Here’s what happened after that:

Me: sup?

Stephanie: hey

Me: what's up, Stephanie?

Stephanie: Not much, why did you remove me off of lw?lolol

Me: uh, 'cause you lied to me?

Stephanie: about?

Me: well, for one
Me: living in Virginia

Stephanie: I did

Me: it's cool and all, i don't resent you or anything
Me: i just don't tolerate liars for friends

Stephanie: Josh I did live in VA! I moved couple months ago.
Stephanie: Thats why I know allot about Vriginia
Stephanie: and who told you this?

Me: oh no one told me
Me: i figured it out
Me: you still acted like you lived here, though

Stephanie: because i miss being in VA, thats all.
Stephanie: i never lied to you
Stephanie: but okay if you are going to act that way..

Me: lying by omission is still lying
Me: act like what?
Me: you won't make this about me
Me: it's not my fault
Me: you chose what you did and didn't tell me
Me: that was not my decision

Stephanie: i thought you knew i was cali

Me: so don't for one second think you can try to make me the guilty one in this

Stephanie: i thought i told you
Stephanie: where have you been?

Me: even when i brought up how it was funny that you said you lived in VA and still did things on facebook that were related to CA?
Me: you completely changed the topic when i brought it up
Me: so don't gimme that
Me: i don't buy into your little drama queen lies, Stephanie
Me: so you might as well stop now

Stephanie: and you are pissed off because of that?
Stephanie: its not a big deal
Stephanie: i never lied to you

Me: i'm not pissed off, no
Me: i simply don't tolerate this, like i said

Stephanie: i visit VA like every 2 months
Stephanie: so i still feel like i'm home there
Stephanie: so you can think whatever

Me: i will think what i'm relatively sure of
Me: and that is that you like to start drama
Me: if that's not true, then you at least like people to think what you let them think, even if it's untrue
Me: either way, you weren't honest about who you are, and because of that, we won't be talking anymore

Stephanie: Josh what are you talking about?
Stephanie: what about me.
Stephanie: i used to like you but the way you are acting is very childish

I’m so proud of myself for sticking up for myself. The old me would’ve backed down and simply forgiven her, probably even apologized to her. But this was just one of those times that really reinforced who I am, now. And it feels so much better. Like a refresher.

Origins

2010-02-05T00:52:00.001-05:00

Brandon and I were/are talking, and I realized I’ve lost sight of what this blog was really made for. Too much of it has become a chronicle of my life, and not a place where I can write about how I truly feel about things. So, in my opinion, it’s time to get back to the origins. What do you think?

I originally planned to write about some new happenings with Stephanie, but I’m not sure if I’ll go with that just yet. I’ve been going through my Flickr account, looking for pictures of myself in a dress, which I took for Laura when I lost a bet to her. I couldn’t find any, but I did find some old-ish photos I’ve taken in the last couple years that I’d forgotten about. I thought I’d post some of my favorite ones. I wish I could figure out how to post pictures correctly on here, but so far I’ve failed at it, so I think I’ll just post links. There’s one in here, which I’ll leave for the end, that’s from when I was younger, and I just really love it, ‘cause it makse me giggle.

Okay, so, in no particular order:

A picture from atop Jefferson Rock at Harpers Ferry, WV

An Obama rally in Leesburg, around October 2008 - There were about 10- or 15,000 people there, and we were just about in the very front.

Sponge-type thing in shower – I finally figured out how to do some special things with our camera, so I took this picture. It’s probably my best take on artistic photography.

Sunrise at home – I can’t remember exactly when I took this picture. But judging from where the sun is, I’d have to guess it was about 10 or 11 AM. The sun always looks so amazing when it’s shining through the trees, here. All you have to do is look up and you’re instantly taken away from everything. Something I don’t take advantage of nearly enough.

Me as a brat – Again, I can’t remember exactly when this was taken (obviously, considering my age). I’d guess I was about 2 or 3. I love this one so much, because even though I’m still just a toddler, I have this face that says, “What, you wanna mess with this?!” Haha, like I said before, it makes me giggle.

So that’s it, for now. I hope I don’t accidentally delete those pictures from my flickr and break the links. Otherwise they’re gone forever.

Next time, I’ll probably write about the update on Stephanie. It’s not particularly important in the typical sense. I want to write about it because the way I handled the situation made me feel really good about myself, like I’m not the same bullshit-swallowing person I used to be. ‘Till next time.

Everything’s Changing Now

2010-01-31T12:21:00.001-05:00

I’m not exactly sure how accurate the title of this post is, but I’m listening to “Bonfire” by Third Eye Blind, right now, and it seemed to fit.

I’ve bought my laptop. I’m on it now, actually. I had to have it shipped next day, so I could make sure my mom wasn’t home when it was delivered. I didn’t want her knowing that I had it for as long as I could manage. I got it on the Friday before this last one (Jan. 22), and managed to hide it from her until the following Tuesday, when I took it to LFCC for some free wifi after I had taken my placement tests. Which I bombed on. Like, it’s a placement test, and you can’t fail. But I got a 32 (out of what I assume is 100), so I have to take Math 4, which is the equivalent of Algebra II. I didn’t have to take the reading or writing tests because I got over 500 on those when I took the SATs, which is good. Less prerequisite classes for me to take. I have to fill out some forms, though, and take them back to LFCC before they can review me for financial aid. I hope to do that tomorrow, but who knows. My mom wants to do it on Wednesday, when she has to go in to give her friend a ride, also. But I really need to get these in as soon as possible, so I can be sure that I’m able to start attending classes at the start of the second 8-week term.

I think I’ve figured out my major (I have to declare one in order to be eligible for aid). Graphic design! It’s actually the same thing Brandon’s taking, which kind of makes me feel like a copycat, or maybe that I’m subconsciously just wanting to be like him. Which isn’t bad at all, ‘cause he’s a good guy. But I want to make sure I’m doing this for myself, not to be someone else.

At first I chose computer graphics, but there’s a shitload of math involved, and math that’s beyond my capabilities, also. So I decided to go to graphic design, which isn’t so math-intensive. Lord Fairfax doesn’t offer a specific lead-in course for graphic design, so I’ll be doing Liberal Arts with a Fine Arts Specialization, which will prepare me for pretty much any four-year art degree I’ll be seeking. It’ll also help build my portfolio for when I transfer to another school.

I’ve started taking some new medicine called Concerta. It works a little differently than Strattera and Adderall, but the punch line is still the same. I’ve only been taking it for four days, so I’m not sure what to think of it. I guess I can focus a little bit more, but I hope it amps up a little bit. Dr. Duck said that if this one doesn’t work, I’d have to go to a neuropharmacologist or psychiatrist. I wouldn’t mind going to a psych, again. It’d be nice to be able to talk to someone about everything and not worrying about holding stuff back. But we’ll see.

Oh, and we’ve also gotten high speed. The owner (or manager, not sure) of Winchester Wireless called my mom last Monday and said that the day they came out to my place, they had set something to the wrong frequency, which is why it didn’t work for us. The same thing happened to three other places they went, and it ended up working when they went back with the right shit set up. So they came back to our place last Wednesday, and it worked! It’s so nice having it. I’ve been online a lot, downloading porn and trying to download some torrents. I’ve also been playing on the PS3, a lot. Mostly Killzone 2, but I also got on GTA IV and Burnout Paradise with Brandon, which was awesome. GTA IV doesn’t lend itself to online play, at least in my opinion, but it’s still good for some fun every once in a while. I’m really getting hooked on Killzone 2, though. I feel like my skill is fairly steadily improving, and it’s nice to see all the different ranks and awards you can get. All the stuff you can aim for. I’m still a pretty shitty player, though, haha.

Earlier this morning I got on to play, and I was just having an off time. I was hardly killing anyone, much less able to hit them with anything. In a pistols-only game with some damn good players, I kept getting owned constantly. It was two-on-two, and I guess it was friend against friend, then two random people (myself and some other guy). The two friends were talking to each other while playing, and the one on my team was like, “My teammate fucking sucks.” Then just a couple minutes later, after I was killed, the other friend said, “Oh look, one hit wonder!” ‘cause only one of my shots hit him before he nailed me.

Like, I know it makes me sound like a whiny bitch, but it really hurt, hearing those things said about me. I think what bothers me more, though, is the fact that it even affected me that much. I thought I had developed a pretty thick skin for that shit, but I guess I haven’t really had my self-esteem attacked like that to even know. I mean, I’m already getting over it. Those guys were assholes, and I was having an off time, like I said. But still… bah, Iunno.

I might try Metal Gear Online later, just for a change of pace. Or Modern Warfare 2, since Brandon just got that.

The Fitting

2010-01-17T23:12:00.001-05:00

I got back about two hours ago from staying the weekend at Anne’s house. I went there for a tuxedo fitting, and I think the whole wedding party was there, minus one or two people. It was a great time, and I’m glad I went (as if I really had a choice, anyway, baha). One of Anne’s bridesmaids was like, super hot, and I think I kinda creeped her because I looked at her slightly more than everyone else, y’know? Like I didn’t hit on her or anything, but… Iunno.

Anyway, I was able to download a shitload of updates and demos on my PS3 while I was there, which was nice. I also got a bit of gay porn videos that Cisco (formerly known as Brandon) uploaded to my online hard drive. I’m encoding two of them, now, to put on my PSP and watch in a little bit.

Last night we all got a little drunk, myself for the first time. It’s a really strange sensation. Like you know you’re drunk, but you feel like you can still control your actions and stuff. I can definitely see the appeal to it, but I don’t think it’s anything I’d ever do on any kind of regular basis. Especially since the nausea just kicked in about an hour ago, and hasn’t really gone away since.

I was so confused while I was there. Like, I was really really happy because I felt like I was just having an awesome time with friends and shit, which I haven’t done in forever. But then in the back of my head I was thinking, “You have to go back to doing nothing all the time on Sunday; all this will go away by then.” It’s just like… I want that! I want friends to hang out and be stupid with, have memories with and shit. But instead I’m stuck in this fucking house with my family all the time, not able to truly be myself. It fucking angers me like no other. I want to get out!

Anne offered to let me visit hers and Lucas’s apartment for a weekend every so often, once they move into one. I’m going to take them up on it to get away from my mom/family, if not to visit them.

I also felt kind of out of place with everyone. Like they all knew each other real well. And like I said, they all had memories and stuff. But I was just kind of sitting there, politely smiling like an idiot while they discussed their lives. I don’t want to be them, or like them, because that’s not who I am. But I just want a circle of friends that I can hang out with and relate to things on, y’know?

Everyone there had someone there, also. Except for Lucas’s best man, Bradley. But even he had a girlfriend (or soon-to-be fiancé, I think). It was so depressing, looking around at amazing couples, and realizing just how lonely and empty your life has been for the past three+ years.

Last night when we went to the movies, afterwards we went to Uncle Julio’s for dinner. On the way there, Bradley was looking around and noticed that Christina and Tyran (I think that’s how you spell his name), and Lucas and Anne were holding hands or some other form of embrace, and then looked at me and laughed. He said, “I feel like we should be holding hands.” I replied, “Do you want to?” jokingly. He came by and we held hands, though, to be funny. It was funny, because I didn’t give a shit if anyone saw. Because I’m sure if someone did see, they’d assume we were two gay guys. Like, I don’t care about Bradley in any kind of way like that, but it was kind of a… revelation, I guess. I didn’t give a shit if anyone in public knew that I was gay, which really surprised me.

Also last night, when we were drunk, we watched A Perfect Getaway before we all went to bed. Beforehand, though, we were watching a preview for that movie (which Bradley was trying to get us all to watch), and a movie called Orphan, that Anne was campaigning for. During the preview of Orphan, I said that the chick in it looked hot. And then I said, “Whoever that guy is is hot, too.” (It was Peter Saarsgard). I realized like, two minutes later, just how gay it sounded, bahaha. I’m kind of wondering if Anne caught onto it, because she wasn’t drunk like the rest of us. Oh well. I’m kind of debating coming out to her, but I’m afraid, as well, that she might blab about it to people.

If I could sum the whole weekend up in one sentence, it’d be this: I can’t fucking stand my life, right now, and I wish it would change so I could actually have a circle of friends to have fun with.

Apparently, money's gonna stop me now

2010-01-02T14:47:00.002-05:00

I’m not going to San Francisco in January, anymore. I was expecting to get a lot more in for financial aid, but I’m only getting enough to cover a little more than half the tuition. So, I’d have to apply for a loan, which would take four to six weeks to get approved. That would mean I’d be in San Francisco for at least two weeks (most likely more) before the loan got approved, assuming it would be. That’s too risky, even for my liking. I’m incredibly disappointed, but not for the reasons I thought I would be. It’s not so much the fact that I won’t be moving there, but that I won’t be leaving here. I’m afraid, also, of getting stuck in this damn town forever, like some of my other friends. It’s like if I don’t get out now, I never will. But I told this to my mom and brother, James, and they both said that if I was aware of that fact, then it wouldn’t happen to me. That made me feel a lot better about it.

So, now the plan is to either get into LFCC for the Spring 2010 semester (not very likely, considering orientation begins on January 6, and the staff doesn’t return from the holidays until January 4); or to find a job and save money until I can go to San Francisco next Fall under more stable circumstances. I could also begin at LFCC next Fall and transfer somewhere that I haven’t considered, yet. I really just have to play it by ear.

I honestly feel a little relieved, actually. The pressure’s off to get things done in an incredibly short amount of time. But I also hate sitting around here doing pretty much nothing. Or, at least, that’s what it feels like, since I’m going at a much slower pace, now.

In other news, Christmas was great! It was so amazing having everyone here for the first time in years. Lucas, James, and I got along real great. It was really weird, actually, haha. I’ve never thought of my family as one of those huge families that’s so close and laughs at everything, etc. But Lucas, James, and I were always making fun of each other and shit, and it really felt that way. I felt a little bad, though, because Andrew had to work on putting together his portfolio so he could start applying for jobs. My mom said that he said it was fine, it was just the situation he was in, and that he still had a good time. So I guess that’s alright.

I think this year was the best turnout, gift-wise, that I’ve had in… well, forever. I’ve never gotten so much stuff, ever. At least not stuff that was this expensive. What I got was:

$20 from Aunt Linda
$100 from Grandma Dot
$300 from Grandma Millie
Argyle Socks
Batman: Arkham Asylum (Game)
Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (Game)
Dark Lord: The Rise of Darth Vader (Book)
Dead Space (Game)
Ender’s Game (Book)
God of War: Collection (Game)
Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater (Game)
Moose Poop Soap
Plate made out of clay from Missy, with my hand imprinted on it, with Tilly’s pawprint inside of mine
T-shirt from Lucas and Anne’s trip to Alaska that changes somehow when sunlight hits it
T-shirt with Jawas on it that reads, “RECYCLING: It’s not just for Jawas!”

I also bought some stuff with the money I got from my grandmas, which totaled about $60 all-in-all:

Burnout Paradise (Game)
Clone Wars: The Complete Season One on Blu-Ray
Darth Bane: Dynasty of Evil (Book)
Dress shirt; plaid design with purple, gray, and black coloring
The Life and Legend of Obi-Wan Kenobi (Book)
Tie; piano key design
Tribes: Vengeance (Game)
Vest; gray with white pinstripes

I’m going to try to upload two images to this post, but as has been evidenced in the past, I fail at doing such. :)

Oh, boy, what else is new? Oh! I’m not sure if I mentioned it in my last post, but I returned to LiveWire (I’m pretty sure I did in fact write about it). I made a new friend on there! Her name is Molly, and she’s pretty damn awesome. Cha. I’m totally looking forward to skyping with her when… (segway to next bit of news)

…we get high speed on Monday! My mom get really frustrated trying to shop for Christmas gifts on dial-up, and vowed to get high speed. She called Winchester Wireless last Tuesday, and they said we were within their area (just a mile from a tower, actually). The speed isn’t as fast as we could get with maybe cable, but it’s a shitload faster than satellite, and a hell of a lot cheaper, also. Still, we’ll be able to game online and load YouTube videos—all of the normal things people are doing these days on the interwebs! I’m super excited to finally be able to get online with my PS3.

And since we’re getting high speed, my mom’s excuse for not letting me get a laptop (trying to keep two laptops from tying up the phone line during the day) should be nulled. I haven’t brought it up with her, but whether it is or isn’t is irrelevant. I’m getting my laptop. After having some trouble with Tribes: Vengeance on this laptop because of its integrated graphics card, I’ve pretty much decided on getting something instead of a Dell Inspiron 15z. Someone on LiveWire recommended a HP Pavilion DV6-2144NR. It’s pretty beefy, components-wise, for a laptop, and it only weighs about 6.5 lbs. The battery life on it isn’t anything stellar, but I figured that most schools these days have outlets or something nearby to plug laptops into. If all else fails and I run out of battery… Well, then I’ll just have to do it old-school: pen and paper, yo.

The only thing that’s keeping me from definitely deciding on it is it’s hard drive: 320 GB. I was planning on getting one with 500 GB, because I need that extra space to store encoded movies for my PS3, and who knows what else I might need it for. But, if it’s unable to be upgraded to 500 GB, I may just get an external hard drive. Depends on how much those things are running, these days.

Yesterday, the Day Before Yesterday, and the Day After Tomorrow

2009-12-20T10:02:00.001-05:00

My oldest brother, Andrew, called yesterday. He was laid off from his architecture firm. It’s really shitty news, to say the least. Living in New York isn’t cheap, so I super hope he finds another job, soon. It’s kind of shaken me up a bit about just how unstable your world is when you’re living on your own, so it’s got me thinking about San Francisco. I’m still going, of course, but now I’m really starting to evaluate everything to make sure it’s all as stable as possible.

Andrew’s still coming for Christmas, thank goodness. In fact, he might stay a little bit longer, since he doesn’t have to be back for work.

We also had a record snowstorm yesterday. I believe right now we have about 18+ inches on the ground. That could fuck some things up for Christmas, but I don’t think it will be too bad. We should get everyone’s gifts delivered and wrapped, and I think my other brother James and his wife should be able to fly in from Washington on Tuesday evening. So excited! The woodstove is also supposed to be installed on Tuesday, though, and the guy can’t get on our roof if there’s snow on it; however, our roof grade is pretty steep, so it’s likely that the snow will slide off. And with it also being metal, I’m sure it’ll melt faster than the snow on the ground. I really hope we get that damn woodstove, because our heat pump isn’t doing shit to heat our house at the moment. And it’d also be nice just to have the ambiance of a fire during Christmas.

You know, now that I’m here writing, I can’t even remember what happened the day before yesterday, so… fuck me.

The day after tomorrow, well… that’s Tuesday, and like I said, my brother and sister-in-law are coming out! I can’t wait, it’s going to be such a wicked time with everyone here. We’re still getting things ready, but I think we’re mostly done. Me and my sister set up my parents’ real bedroom yesterday, and I have to say it looks very nice. We just need to organize and clean up, now, and we’ll be done, I think.

Which reminds me: we got our tree! (Perhaps this was what happened the day before yesterday). It’s a Douglas-fir, as I predicted. And it smells sooooo amazing. It’s bringing back so many memories from when we lived in Herndon. We haven’t had a real tree in more than 6 years, so it’s definitely a welcome change. It still needs to be decorated, though. Hopefully, we’ll get to that, today. Assuming we’ll figure out exactly where we want it to go (in a corner of the great room or in the middle, in front of the glass double doors). I personally like it in front of the doors, and I think my dad and sister do, as well. It just makes it look more… grand, haha. And we wouldn’t have to move any future around at all, so that’s always a plus. I can’t wait to decorate it! Christmastime – Glorious Days of Impatience.

I still need to bring up the money with my dad. I really need to grow a sack and ask him about it, otherwise it’ll be too late and I’ll have fucked all my chances of moving up. You’d think that’d be motivation enough, but it still hasn’t gotten me off my ass. I think I’ll bring it up today, though, barring my mom isn’t around.

Intermission

2009-12-10T22:03:00.001-05:00

It’s been fucking forever since I last wrote. My mom grounded me from the internet for more than a week because I had gotten online while she was out for the day. Apparently she forgot the part where I asked her to keep the laptop at home that day, so that I could get online and get some stuff done for school. I’ve also been neglecting the blog, lately. I’ve just had no motivation to really write anything. I’m getting so stressed out over school and money that at the end of the day, all I really feel like doing—after organizing my thoughts—is wasting time online doing nothing in particular. But, I told myself that I needed to update it, so here I am.

My parents have been giving me the same old rap, lately. It’s really starting to piss me off more than usual, though. They keep telling me how I haven’t thought my future through enough, and that I need to make sure I have everything to get myself started before I move. But the thing is, every time they say something like that, it just kills my determination, and it makes it impossible for me to actually get things sorted out. Another aspect of it is that they never really seem to offer help. They say I need to think things through, sure. But they’ve never actually come to me and say, “Hey, let’s look at your current situation with money and see if we can’t work something out.” On the one hand, I’m surprised that they haven’t gotten through their heads that I’ve come this far, and I won’t quit now. But then on the other hand, I’m not surprised at all by how they’re acting. Either way, it’s completely absurd.

While we were saying our goodbyes to my brother, Andrew, at the metro station after he came for Thanksgiving, he talked to me a little bit about how I should reconsider, or at least just think about what I’m really getting myself into. Now, I know I’ve been saying how I hate it when my parents say that. But, since it was coming from Andrew, I took it seriously. He isn’t one to say something like that for no reason. So I wracked my brain for three days or so, thinking about what to do. In the end, I decided to stick with San Francisco. It would be too late, now, to even start thinking about applying to another school, and I just can’t stand living here until next Fall. Plus, I’m so far into the process of enrolling at CCSF, that it would be stupid to back out not. I will figure out a way to make it work.

I started looking into loans a few days ago, and I also mailed in the required financial aid forms to CCSF. According to my Financial Aid file, my Cost of Attendance will be $7,761, which is comprised of $819 in Books & Supplies, $369 in Enrollment and/or Health Fees, $2,424 of Out-of-State Tuition, $1,386 of Miscellaneous Personal Expenses, $2,322 for Room and Bored, and $441 for Transportation. I’m guessing that just estimated the average costs of personal expenses, rent, and transportation and added in. I’m really glad they did, though, because I think it’s a more accurate display of how much it’ll cost to live there than I could ever have guesstimated. The $7,761 is for one semester, though, so that’s only about one-third of what I’ll be spending in a year (minus tuition and books). I’m sure I can find a way to save on most of those things, also. So I think it’s financially possible, right now. I’ve been approved for the total amount of a Pell Grant for one semester, which totals out at $2,675. I emailed a lady at the Financial Aid Office, and she said they got my forms, and that I’ll be getting my award letter in 4-6 weeks. So, I’m definitely going to have to get the Stafford loan. Since I don’t yet know how much I’ll be getting awarded, and considering living costs and such, I just decided to apply for the full amount of $3,500. However, I won’t be able to fully apply until I attend a mandatory financial aid workshop in-person.

I think I’m going to have to borrow money from my parents to pay for a couple months’ worth of rent before my loans are approved, and then I can pay them back. I think, considering the low cost of tuition, I’ll be able to keep myself afloat. Off-campus rent is considered when they review your financial aid info and determine if you’re eligible or not, so I don’t think it’ll be too hard. Plus, I think I should have enough money in my savings after I buy my laptop to pay for the deposit and a month’s rent for my room at the residence club. Which reminds me, I’ll have to call them real soon, after I go over the financial info with my parents tomorrow. I really dread doing that. Every time I even bring it up, they say something that I hadn’t even thought of. It’s not like they say, “Don’t forget to think about this or that!” It’s more along the lines of, “Well, what about THIS? You need to think more clearly about this stuff, Josh!” Like I’m some kind of idiot and deliberately overlooked some aspect just so I could get out of the house. It’s not like I’m looking to move out and just worry about things when I get there. I know how tough life can be, I’m not about to ruin the beginning of my OWN life by being purposely careless.

The Dishes and The Phone Call

2009-11-17T22:42:00.001-05:00

The other night, my sister pretty much made all of dinner and my dad was pretty tired. So I was left with doing all the kitchen clean up (normally I just load the dishwasher, put leftovers in containers, and wipe off the table). Since I was doing everything, I also had to wash all the pots and pans that were left over. I did what I normally do, and then kind of killed time downstairs. I really didn’t want to wash the pots and pans, and I knew my mom would catch me if I came upstairs too soon. My plan was to go up and seem like I did them, and then when someone noticed I hadn’t, I’d just say I thought someone else was going to do them. That’s the kind of shit I would always do. So I went upstairs and laid on my bed. But I couldn’t do it! I laid there thinking how the dishes were there, how I knew that it was my responsibility. So I got up, went downstairs, and did them. Effing amazing, right? There have been other instances like that recently, but this is really the best example of how I’m starting to grow into an adult and not do things just because I don’t want to. And it feels really great.

I’ve been having a bit of trouble applying for a checking account. Bank of America denied my first application. So I tried reapplying that night, and they were having “technical difficulties”, which really started to piss me off. So I woke up at 7:30 this morning, and did it again. It finally went through. Then, later in the day, I checked my email, and I had received one that said I needed to call the bank to verify my information. I thought, “Oh shit. But if I have to, I have to.” I almost put it off until tomorrow, but I wanted to get it done as soon as possible. After dinner, me and my dad went in his and my mom’s room to call, since I applied the second time with him as a co-applicant. I was really nervous, but I think I did really well. I was completely normal (at least from my point of view; my parents didn’t say anything, so I assume I really was fine). I’m really glad that I was able to get myself to call.

Anyway, after the guy looked up my application with the confirmation number I gave him, he said that my information had already been verified. So I said, “Oh, okay. Do you need to verify my dad’s information, then, since he’s the co-applicant?” The guy said that yeah, he needed to talk to the co-applicant. So I just handed the phone to my dad, and he ended up talking to the guy more than I did, haha. So, now my account has been approved and they’re just in the process of setting it up and all. It should officially be open in a couple days, but it’ll probably be a week or more until I get my debit card and other papers.

Financial

2009-11-13T00:07:00.001-05:00

If today had a theme, it would definitely be money. I can understand why money troubles are the number one cause for divorce.

I asked my mom to call Capital One to verify our joint savings accounts, because I had too many failed login attempts, and their system now things someone who shouldn’t have access to our accounts is trying to get in. She seemed okay with it the first couple times I asked, but the third time, late in the evening, she asked me why. I replied honestly with, “So I can transfer my money to your checking account and buy my laptop.” She replied, “I told you you’re not getting a laptop until you go to school. Not until we know you’re going for sure.” It pissed me off so much. It’s like she thinks I’ve actually gone through all these obstacles just for a damn laptop. Not only that, but it’s MY money. But apparently, she can do what she wants with my own money and not even tell me. However, when I want to use it, it’s completely off-limits. It’s really one of those “What the fuck?” kind of situations. But I’m not taking this shit from her, anymore. I was working on the floor as I asked her the third time. When she gave me her reply, I put down the board I was working on, and stopped. I told myself I wasn’t going to do anymore floor until I can use my money. I haven’t told her, yet, unfortunately. I’m not sure if I will. I enjoy working on the floor most of the time, but I really want my money. But I’m also about to open my own checking account, after I look over my options with my dad and see what will work best for me, since he has a little more experience with things like this.

I’ve gotten down the basic things involved with opening a checking account, so right now I’m just trying to learn the different terms and stuff so I have more of an idea of what exactly is coming with the accounts at the four different banks I’m looking at (Charles Schwab, ING, First National Bank of Omaha [formerly Washington Mutual], and Bank of America). I also need to look into which institution is safe to bank with, considering how unstable the economic industry is at the moment. I thought I heard that certain parts of Bank of America had gone under, but I dunno. Again, I’ll just have to look into it. I want to get this over with so I can move on to the next hurdle and so my mom has that much less control over my stuff.

CCSF’s Financial Aid Office also emailed me today with the list of their forms I need to fill out and send to them. I’ve gotten three of the requirements done with, and just need to finish the other ones with my parents’ help. Once that’s all done, I can mail them in and pretty much just wait.

I’m also close to registering with a residence club. I looked up reviews of the three I was looking at (Vantaggio Suites, The Monroe, and USA Student Residences). USA Student looks like it’s the best overall. I shouldn’t be there for more than a few months, anyway. On the registration form, they ask for an end date for my stay, and I have no idea what to put. What if I put a date that ends up being too early and I’m forced to move out? That would really suck, haha. I’d email them, but they’re not very good at writing back. I’ll probably put my end date at maybe two to four weeks after the Spring semester is over. I should have some friends (read: potential roommates) by then, as well as enough time to look for a decent apartment and know what’s good and what’s not in San Francisco.

Seven Years, One Month*

2009-11-10T21:06:00.001-05:00

Tonight around 9PM, John Muhammed will be put to death by lethal injection at Greensville Penitentiary in Jarrot, VA. Muhammed, and his accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, are better known singularly as the Washington sniper. I can’t believe it’s been a little more than seven years since that terrible October. I was living in Herndon, at the time. It was so frightful living in the DC area during that month. I remember how people were saying that the sniper may be going around in a white van or truck. From then on, everybody would have one eye trained on every white vehicle they saw, wondering if that’s who had killed 10 people and was out looking for more blood. Once when we were at Office Depot in Fairfax, my mom and brother, I think, went inside to look at printers. I stayed in the car, but it got too unbearable just sitting there. So, I kept an eye out for any white cars, and when I didn’t see any, I made a mad dash for the store. Then my mom asked me to go back out and get something, then bring it back in again. I really didn’t want to do it. God knows why I eventually did. But I was scared out of my mind for the 20 seconds it took to run out to the car, get whatever it was, and haul ass back into the store. Metro DC is a huge area, so it’s hard to fathom that kind of fear coursing through more than six million people for a whole month, all because of a man and his then-17-year-old friend.

One of the shootings happened less than half a mile from my grandma’s house in Falls Church, at the Home Depot at Seven Corners. That really got my attention. It was immediately reported on the news, and I asked my dad if grandma was okay, and that maybe he should call her to see. I don’t even remember if he did or not, I was just really frightened by how close he had been to someone from my family. I’m not really someone who openly shows compassion towards family members, also, so that just shows you how worried I was.

I don’t necessarily approve of capital punishment, but when you think of how much that guy affected the area I lived in, it’s hard to think of any other punishment as justice.

Noobs Pwned!

2009-11-10T00:37:00.001-05:00

I got my official GED certificate in the mail, today. I scanned it to the computer, along with the congratulations letter from the governor that came with it (ha), and the contract I signed during the registration/orientation night. I’m not sure why I scanned the last one. I guess I just want it to document as much as I can before I end up throwing it away in 10 years, haha.

Anyway, apparently I suck at putting images in here, so I’ll just put links:

GED Testing Candidate Code of Conduct Contract

Congratulatory Letter

GED Certificate

I think it’s funny that the letter was from Tim Kaine. We just had an election last Tuesday that Bob McDonnell one, so now we have a new governor (although he probably takes office at a later date, just like with presidential elections). Anyway, it’s official! I have now graduated high school. As for the title of this post, for a few days before the test, my awesome friend Mila would keep telling me to “pwn noobs!” every time I mentioned how nervous I was about the test. So, mission accomplished!

Earlier tonight, I was able to submit my FAFSA, and it’ll be processed in about 3-4 business days. I can’t wait for CCSF to get it, because then they’ll email me links to their own financial aid forms, which I’ll then fill out and mail to them (I probably mentioned this in an earlier post). So, once those forms are filled out, sent, and eventually received by the school, it shouldn’t be too long until I know how much money I’ll be getting in grants, scholarships, and (if need be) loans. CCSF isn’t real cheap when you’re an out of state student, but it’s still a hell of a lot cheaper than a university, even a public one.

But, I’ve gotten slightly off-topic. Once I know how much money I’ll be getting, I can safely register to live in one of those residence clubs or hostels that I found off of the CCSF site. Once that’s done, everything’s pretty much a done deal. I’m so excited to be moving out! The realism of the situation becomes clearer and clearer with each day. Like, before, it was just, “It’ll be a while, you have a lot of time to get ready.” But now that it’s so close, it’s becoming a little surreal. I know I’ll be moving, but I’ve been living this life for so long, that it’s hard to imagine anything different. I’m scared as balls, to be honest (who wouldn’t be?), but it has to happen sometime. Billions of people are living in the world on their own right now, and they’re making it fine, so why can’t I?

I’ve started talking to a friend of mine, Stephy. We didn’t have a falling out or anything, she just didn’t really get online a whole lot in the past few months. I really missed her. Her and I used to be really close, like… almost dating, I guess you could say. But, at that time, Laura and I were starting to get serious, also, and I made the unfortunate decision of going with Laura instead of Steph. It’s nice to be talking to her again, though. She said we should hang out sometime before I go to college. But, she lives down near Richmond, so I’m not sure how it’d work. I’d really like it, too, though. We were supposed to meet a couple summers ago when I went down towards Richmond to visit my aunt and uncle for a weekend, but it never happened. I hope I do get to see her before I go, because I have to admit, I still have a major crush on her, haha.

Progress and An Argument

2009-11-07T21:28:00.001-05:00

Well, I have some good news! I showed my mom the residence clubs I found last night. The prices are pretty damn good, and will definitely work well as semi-temporary living while I look for a more permanent apartment. My mom seemed to approve of them, although she did question how I would pay my rent. That’s really not a big deal, though, because she’d ask that of any place I was looking at living in. So I think it’s going to work out. I’m going to have to finish my FAFSA with my dad tomorrow, sometime, and submit it to CCSF. After they receive it, I’m supposed to get links to forms I need to fill out for their Financial Aid Office. If you live more than 90 miles from CCSF (which I definitely do), you can print out the forms and mail them. Which is definitely good, because I thought I’d have to submit them in person, at first, which would really hold some things up. So everything on that front looks good.

A little while ago, though, me and my mom got in an argument. It started because I questioned why the laptop has to all of a sudden go in her room when she goes to bed, now. It doesn’t really make sense, because I go to bed relatively early (by my standards), and at the same time each night. And, despite what she says, I don’t leave the internet on over night anymore, because my dad once got in some trouble because his work tried to call him early in the morning to tell him to go to a different post office. But anyway, I eventually said, “I’ll be needing to get my own laptop, soon, anyway.” Then my sister said something about only being $500 in my savings account, which is WAY too low. So I immediately questioned my mom about it, and she said how they had taken some money out and it wasn’t hard to put money back in. I said, “That’s not the point. I told you a long time ago not to take any of my money out.” She just kind of gave me this bullshit “I didn’t know!” face. She’s so full of crap. I told her, “I want my money back in. Soon.” I think she was kind of surprised at how firm and aggressive I was being in the matter. It really pisses me off, though. She gives me these mini-lectures about spending my money wisely all the time, and not lying, etc. Then she goes and takes MY money, even when I asked her NOT to, then lies about it. I swear, my mother is possibly the biggest hypocrite I know, and I can’t wait until I’m out from under her.

On the stereo, listen as we go; nothing's gonna stop me now…

2009-11-06T21:15:00.001-05:00

The other night, my mom told me that I should look at community colleges closer to home, because we can’t afford to stay in a hotel while looking for a place for me to live in San Francisco. I was pretty pissed off when she told me that, because I’ve been working so hard to get to this point, and I had everything planned out. And then she tells me I need to consider other options, and it just really started to stress me out almost to the breaking point.

So, last night I checked out some other community colleges, and none of them really met my requirements as well as being nearby. And I got thinking, I’ve been wanting this for so long. And one of the reasons is to get away from my mom, so it’s absolutely ridiculous to change any of my plans for her, of all people. As a result, I’m sticking with my original plan and going to San Francisco. I’m still a little uncertain about how it’s all going to pan out, but I’ll figure it out. I did a little searching earlier on the CCSF website and found some housing links. I also read about something called Residence Clubs. They basically sound like dorms, but they’re in normal apartment buildings and not really related to the school. I’ll definitely be checking those out in a little bit.

On a completely unrelated note, I picked out the paint color for the walls in my room. It’s like a lightish blue, kind of like the sky. Since my desk is supposed to be a tree, I thought it’d be cool to make my wall like the sky, so it’s like my room is sorta outside. It’s nice, too, because the blue perfectly matches the blue on the linens we bought for my room that go with the desk. It’s kind of odd to design a whole room around a desk, haha.

We’ve been on the run, driving in the sun, looking out for number one…

2009-11-03T02:04:00.002-05:00

I passed! I got an email today saying my GED123.org account status had been changed. I went to check out and saw my scores were posted. It was incredibly surprising to see that I did best in science. Lowest in math, but that’s not a real big shocker. Here’s a screenshot of the PDF of my scores:

I wish I had gotten a specific grade for the essay, because I’d really like to know what the graders though of that. But all I got was a general score for the Writing portion of the Language Arts test. I’m not sure about the accuracy of the 96 percentile for the science test. What that basically means is that I scored higher than 96% of graduating high school students. Oh well, either way, I’ll let it inflate my ego for a short while, haha.

I’ve also determined that I was accepted to CCSF. I finally got into the email account they had set up for me, but no acceptance email was in there. I then went their CollegeBoard school profile page, where it said their acceptance rate was 100%. So yeah, definitely accepted!

So, things are really starting to get into motion, now. I refined my profile on two roommate finding sites, and have found a couple people that may fit my requirements. They’re both girls. I don’t think I could live with a straight guy (I haven’t found any gay ones so far). I just don’t really get along with straight men the way I do with girls and gay guys. I’m hesitant to message these two girls, though. It’s a big step, and I just want to make sure it’s the right time to take it. I’d hate to start talking about getting a place, only to have to back out on one of them later.

I took the orientation course for CCSF earlier, only to learn I needed a student ID number to print out my certificate that would prove I had taken the course. Oh well, it wasn’t that hard, so it won’t be such a hassle to take it again once I take the placement tests (which I’ll have to do physically at the school). The Spring 2010 semester begins January 19th, so I think I’ll be going there at least a week in advance. But that all depends on how much time I need to get settled and whatnot. The placement tests are held regularly according to the website, but I don’t know how often is “regularly”. It could be once a week or every other day. I want to make sure I go when I can take the test, see a counselor, and register for classes, with at least two-three days to get myself oriented with the environment.

I’ll be talking to my mom tomorrow about what the next step should be. I’m no fool, and realize that I can’t do this solely on my own. I need to know I’m taking things in the right direction. One little misstep could really set me back.

I may also mention to my mom about the laptop. I honestly haven’t thought about it in a few weeks. I’ve really only been concentrating on getting my GED and progressing to the next step that will take me to college. I just hope if and when I bring it up to my mom, she doesn’t think, “I knew you were only doing this for a laptop.” I don’t mind, though, because I’m totally expecting her to deny it and say that I need to do a few more things that sets the whole going-to-school thing in stone.

Either way, California, here I come!

Future Destination: TBD

2009-11-01T01:05:00.001-04:00

Well, the GED tests are over with. Hopefully, anyway. If I failed any, I have to retake the respective test(s). But I really don’t think I’ll fail any. The tests were noticeably easier than the SATs, and I got decent scores on those. I also think my essay was pretty amazing and unique, but I thought the same thing about my SAT essay. And I got a 7/12 on that one, haha.

The whole morning went pretty much as planned, other than leaving the house a few minutes later than planned because my mom wanted to snooze for 5 minutes. But I still made it there with a decent amount of time to spare. In fact, the examiner wouldn’t let us in the classroom until 7:25, so a few of us sat on some comfortable chairs in a hallway leading to the student lounge. A lady and her daughter were sitting to the right of me, talking about if we could take stuff into the classroom. I told them that on the piece of paper we got in the mail, it said that we could, but that it would have to be left in a designated area. It’s funny to look back on it now, because I was pretty normal and not at all talking nervously or anything. It just helps proves my theory that when forced into such a position, I can be just like anyone else when talking to strangers.

When 7:25 came around, the examiner had us follow her back to just outside the classroom. She explained that she’d call our names, have us present our photo IDs, and tell us which table to sit at. When my name was called, I did what she told us to, and went to sit down at my table. That’s when all the nervousness and anxiety left me and I just focused on what I had to do. The tests weren’t at all given like the SATs. With the SATs, you had to wait until your given time for each test was up before you could proceed to the next test. With the GED, though, if you finished before your time was up, you could immediately go to the next test. I always finish before my allotted time is up, and I hate it. I feel like I’ve rushed through the section and not adequately looked at the questions. But I also feel like I’ve done the best I can, so it’s really quite hard to move on to the next section. I usually don’t check my answers very much when I finish, but so much was relying on me passing, so I did an extra good job making sure I understood why I chose a specific answer and didn’t make a mistake. If I fail any tests, I’m certain it’s because I didn’t know the material, not because of a clumsy mistake on my part. But everything seemed relatively easy for me, which would lend itself to meaning that I knew the material. So I think I’ll be okay. If I fail any section, it’ll definitely be science. That was the one I really had noticeable trouble with.

My essay is another thing that could go either way. But that’s because, like my friend Mila said, it’s really up to the personal opinion of the readers who grade it. My topic question was, “If you could spend day with one person, who would it be?” I chose Stephan Jenkins, the lead singer of my favorite band, Third Eye Blind. It was somewhat of a risky choice, but I think I effectively proved my point in the essay. It’s funny, because I used things that I briefly read about in college essay books and other tips I read more than a year ago for the SAT essay. It’s funny how much you remember when you need to.

I think my essay was a little too political and controversial, but, like I said, I think I effectively got my point across, which is what really matters. I chose Stephan Jenkins because he remains true to himself and doesn’t adhere to other peoples’ principles. An example I used was the recent single “Non-Dairy Creamer,” in which he bluntly voices his frustrations with America’s political system. The most controversial part of the paper was when I specifically used the last verse of the song, “Young, gay Republicans,” and went into minor detail about what it symbolized. Again, I may have gotten a little too political and controversial.

I also injected some humor into the essay, which I’ve heard is a risky thing to do. But I think it worked to my advantage. Oh well, we’ll see how I did next week when my scores are online for me to view. I should also receive my actual certificate in two to three weeks via snail mail.

They gave us a lunch break when we finished the writing section of the language arts test. For me, that was around 11:20 or so, until 12:15. I went to the student lounge, where they only had vending machines with snacks, and one with mini frozen pizzas and the like. None of the latter stuff looked good to me, so I just got some Brisk Iced Tea, chocolate pretzels, and some gum. Then I just sat down, propped my legs up on a center table thing that four comfy chairs were surrounding, and hopped on my PSP. I chatted with my friend, Nina, via facebook comments for a while, and posted a little bit on The Mind-Fucked, my other friend Brandon’s forum. The lounge was actually pretty nice for a somewhat small community college, and I could definitely imagine myself taking breaks there between classes, if I were to attend Lord Fairfax. There were other students there walking around and getting snacks on their way to another class. It was really nice being in the middle of that sort of atmosphere. I got a piece of what it would feel like to be attending college myself, and it really made me feel right at home. My God, is there anything better than that feeling of belonging?

After lunch, I headed back to the classroom a few minutes early and had to wait outside with some other students. When we went back in, I started on the science test, then social studies, and finally the reading part of the language arts test. I really started to notice the effects of not getting enough sleep the night before. I turned out my light around 12:15, but I kept waking up. It wasn’t the worst sleep I’ve had in a few weeks, though, so at least that’s good.

When I was done (at 2:30; lightning fast, baby!), I went to the student lounge to get something else to snack on real quick, because I was pretty hungry. It took me 5 minutes to realize all I could really get was a Butterfinger for $0.90.

Afterwards, I walked outside and was amazed at the view across the street from the school. It’s in Middletown, which is a pretty rural town (even though the school is fairly big). Across the street was just these big, open fields, and beyond those was the mountainous skyline of the Blue Ridge. It was, for lack of a better word, breathtaking. Of course, after taking a test for 7 hours inside a room with little or no windows, doesn’t any sort of outdoors exposure look beautiful?

I called my mom to come pick me up. She called back a couple minutes later to tell me my dad was on his way back from work, so he’d be getting me. I went inside to wait in the lounge and take advantage of the free wifi to get on eBuddy and talk with Nina some more. Around 3, I went back outside and waited for maybe 15 minutes longer until my dad got there. We dropped some overdue books off at the library and then went straight home.

I was so tired when we got home. I’m starting to despise having to put nice clothes on when I go out places, because taking it all off when I get home is really becoming a bitch. Anyway, I went in the den to talk with my mom and sister some, and we discussed the whole testing process and whatnot. Then we got to talking about what’s next for me. I told her about SFSU some, and she immediately asked me who lived in San Francisco. I told her no one. Which is true. Athena lived there at one time, but she’s passed away, so I really don’t consider her as a person I’m going there for. I mean, I am going there partly because she lived there, but there’s really just no other city like San Francisco from what I’ve read about it.

I also told my mom about City College of San Francisco, and how I need to fly there for orientation. She said, “Well, have you been accepted?” I told her I was. At least, I think I was. I swear I remember getting an email letting me know I’ve been accepted, but I still want to make sure. She said that if I was accepted, then we could just fly there and do orientation and I could just stay. But I found out that I can do orientation online. What I need to fly there for is placement tests and a meeting with a student counselor. Still, I need to find out if I really have been accepted, which is proving to be a pain in the ass. I can’t remember the username or password for the Gmail account the school set up for me, and I can’t find anything yet on any of the websites I’ve visited that pertain to the school.

I’ll have to figure out a place to live in San Francisco. That could prove more difficult than you’d think, because I’ll need a roommate, and it can be hard to find a suitable roommate whom you’ve never met before. The place will also have to fit my budget. So many gears that have to work together in order for this thing to work. But that’s just part of the job. I’ll make this work.

If I’m able to go there, the semester starts in January. I never thought I’d really be leaving home so soon. Not that it isn’t welcome, but it’s funny to think that in two months I could be out of here, whereas for the past few weeks I’ve been thinking I’d be here until next year. Damn, am I excited!

Nervous, much?

2009-10-30T23:21:00.001-04:00

I’ve got the GED tests tomorrow. It either starts at 7:30 or they want you there at 7:30 for check-in. Either way, I want to make sure we get there well before then, so I think me and my mom will leave around 6:35ish. I asked my dad to wake me up at 5:45 so I could get ready in time. I’m nervous as balls. So much is riding on these tests. I really regret not studying up some on the subjects a few days ago, but I told myself that it could be done a couple days before the test (classic procrastinator, eh?). But when the today and yesterday got here, I was too nervous to even concentrate.

I really hate having to wake up early for things that are super important like this. The morning is cold and it makes me shake even more than usual in my nervousness. Hopefully, the same thing will happen to me that happened when I went to take my SATs last October: On the way there I’ll just mellow out and be like, “What happens, happens.”

The tests also take all day to take (pretty much). I’m not sure when they’re over, exactly, but it’s sometime in the afternoon (I’m thinking 2 or 3). So, not only am I waking up early for something I’m dreading, but it’s going to be something that lasts all day. Great!

At least it won’t be as bad as the SATs, from an emotional standpoint. When I took the SATs, I took them at James Wood with a bunch of students that go there. Everyone was talking to each other and whatnot, and I just kinda stood there feeling awkward and alone. But with the GED, it’ll be given at Lord Fairfax, and a lot of the people are adults who haven’t been in high school in a few years, if not a couple decades. So I won’t be the only one who’s pretty much never seen anyone else who’s also taking the test.

I’m gonna be going to bed in 40 minutes or so. As if I’ll be able to fall asleep. I’m nervous, and midnight is two hours before my normal bedtime. I bet I’ll get hardly any sleep at all. Oh well. I’m lucky that when I get little sleep, it doesn’t affect me until later in the day, not right away.

I guess I better go and distract myself. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be over!

GED Test Coming Up

2009-10-27T23:38:00.001-04:00

I was able to go for the registration/orientation at Dowell J. Howard, today. My mom and sister took the metro into Vienna to give us a little bit more time. We got to D.J. Howard at about 4:45, 15 minutes ahead of time. We went in, I signed the visitor log, and got a sticker. Then my dad wrote the center a check for $45. My dad left to put some air in the car tires, while I went back to Room 112. There was a lady sitting outside the classroom door at a little table, and she filled out the necessary stuff on my form that was supposed to be filled out by an official. After that, I went into the room and sat down, then finished filling out the form and initialing and signing a Code of Conduct contract.

At about 5:05, the principal of Dowell J. Howard (I think) gave a little speech about how this whole thing worked, and then said once we had filled out our forms, to go up to the front of the class, hand the lady our forms, Social Security cards, government issued ID, and pre-registration form. Oh, and the check.

I then sat there until about 5:30, when some guy went up to the desk, handed the lady his stuff, and asked if he had to stay. She said, “Unless you want to see a video on how to use the calculate we provide, then no.” I thought about that, and about the time. Since we had to meet my mom and sister in Vienna, I just decided to get up and leave.

So, me and my dad went to the Vienna metro station around 7:15 and waited for about 45 minutes for my mom and Mariah to get there. On the way home, they told us a bunch of stuff about their trip. It got me really excited for when Andrew comes for Thanksgiving and/or Christmas. Last year for Christmas he got me this Sun Print kit, where the paper develops under direct sunlight. So you basically just lay some shape or design that you like on top, leave it in the sun for a few minutes, and you have a wicked silhouette. I really like it, but I’ve only used four of the ten sheets. I feel bad, because it seems like I never use it because I don’t like it. But I just never really have the time to make a photo, or the creativeness to think of what design I want to do next. For Christmas this year, I think I’ll make Andrew a skyline silhouette of New York. But if I do that, I’ll probably have to make something for everyone else. Oh well, I think I might enjoy delving into my creative side a bit more than I usually do!

I’ve also been thinking about my porn addiction. I think it’s really starting to become detrimental to other aspects of my life. So, my plan is to stop. Pretty much cold turkey. It’ll be hard, definitely, but I don’t need one single thing to get in my way, especially at this point in my life. I won’t delete the porn I have so far, but I will stop downloading anything new. It’s gone too far.

Anyway, back to topic. I’m finally all set to take the GED tests. It’s this Saturday at Lord Fairfax. I’m supposed to get something in the mail within the next couple days that will have more details. I need to find out what time testing starts and directions, if one or neither of those are included in the letter I get. I’m almost one huge step closer to my own life! I can’t wait, baby!

Time Constraints

2009-10-26T15:12:00.001-04:00

My mom and sister went to visit my oldest brother, Andrew, in New York on… Thursday, I think it was. They’ll be coming back tomorrow. My dad is supposed to go into DC to pick them up from the bus stop. But I realized that the GED Registration/Orientation I need to go to for my test date is tomorrow, as well, from 5 PM to 6 PM. My mom told my dad on the phone last night that she’s been bugging me to find out about this, and that if it interferes with picking them up, then that’s too bad. But I could’ve sworn I told her about this before, at least two or more weeks ago.

Either way, there’s not a whole lot that can be done about it right now. My mom and dad will talk to each other later tonight, so maybe they can work something out, depending on when my mom and sister are supposed to arrive in DC. About the only thing we can do if the times seriously conflict is have them ride the metro into Vienna, which will buy me some time. Or maybe I won’t necessarily have to stay for orientation, like it’s an optional thing. I don’t know what they could really tell us about the GED that I don’t already know.

If I miss this registration, I’ll have to wait another month before I can finish my registration and take the test, which will seriously mess with my application to SFSU (that is due November 1st, by the way). Maybe I can say that I haven’t yet graduated, and am waiting to receive my diploma. I’ll have to do that anyway, I think, because I don’t have enough math credits to submit my application, so I have to take a new math course this year to make up. I’ll have to go look at the application later tonight and see what my options are.

Homosexuality

2009-10-16T21:12:00.001-04:00

Since last night I’ve really been craving a guy. Not solely in a sexual way, but just in general. It’d just be really nice to cuddle with someone nice and strong (how gay is that? hahaha).

And, I won’t lie, it’d really be nice to have someone who has as high a sexual drive as I do, and doesn’t make me feel like I have to earn our sex. Just to be carefree about it, y’know?

Later tonight (or maybe in the next few minutes; mom’s supposed to get home soon, so no idea how much time I have), I’ll look and ask around the net about some kind of site that helps you find gay guys in your area. There’s always MySpace and Facebook (just Facebook, really, since I deleted my MySpace a week or more ago), but I think it’s weird talking to people out of the blue like that. At least on a website that’s meant for it you’re expecting random guys to message you.

I hope I have some good luck! Because, honestly, I also really just want a good fuck with a guy.

Day Six and Progress

2009-10-13T13:29:00.004-04:00

I read an article a few days ago about what you’re really doing when you crack your neck (which I had been doing quite a lot of the last couple of years). Apparently, if you keep at it, you can eventually cause some pain-in-the-ass neck problems later on, and have a higher chance of getting arthritis in your neck. So I’ve decided to stop, because neck pain is a bitch as it is, and I don’t want it to get any worse. So far I’ve gone six days without cracking my neck. Look at me go! The article said that after two to three weeks, you should notice a decent improvement on your neck.

Last Friday we had our final inspection. We passed! So that means that this lot is officially no longer a construction site (of which it’s been for the last 6+ years). We didn’t really celebrate, or even note the significance of it. It was just another point we passed on the road to finishing this house.

I’ve also started helping my dad put the floor down in the great room (I’m not sure why living rooms are called ‘great rooms’ in log homes). We’re almost done with it, though. The great room, that is. After that, it’s on to my mom’s room, then the upstairs or my mom’s closet. Either way, it’s a huge improvement upon what it looked like before. Here are some pictures:

I really love the way the floor looks. Plus, it’s a whole lot easier to imagine that room filled with family members during Christmas. I’m so psyched about it!

In other news, I messaged Jenn on Facebook. My friend, Allie, kind of convinced me to do it. Lately, I’ve been thinking it’d be nice to be friends with Jenn. She replied last night, and she didn’t seem put-off or anything in her message, so that’s good. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can get laid for the first time in two years, haha. But, honestly, I’d rather have a friend first and get laid second.

Milly and 24/7 Fearfest

2009-10-07T21:43:00.001-04:00

We went to see my Grandma Milly, today. It was really nice seeing her. We haven’t been to visit her since my brother came for Christmas last year. We all went out for lunch to IHOP, and I think we all ordered a little more than we could eat, haha. It was funny seeing three generations of my family all together at once, because you can definitely see how we’re all alike. It’s almost uncanny at times, how much we’re the same. But, again, it was really great seeing her.

I’ve also been thinking about how easy things are when you’re young. All you really worry about is homework and when you get in insignificant fights with your best friends. And now, I don’t go one day without being scared of something: Will I get into the college I want? Is my life going where I want to? What would happen if I’m unable to do this or that? It’s really damn frustrating, and a terrible way to lead a life. What type of world is this when you can’t go one day worry-free? It seems absolutely senseless.

Christmas Plans

2009-10-05T00:32:00.001-04:00

My mom called my brother, James, yesterday and they talked for quite a while. Originally we had all planned to go to my grandma’s for Christmas, but we all figured out that it would be too difficult coordinating everyone’s schedules and whatnot around Christmas. And then, since James and his girlfriend, Mariyeli, got married, her father was going to have everyone fly to Mexico for a big celebration. But that, also, has become impossible. So my brother offered the suggestion that he and Mariyeli fly to DC for Christmas and spend time with us. We really don’t see why it couldn’t work, at the moment.

It has all of us pumped up and excited. Because of it, everyone here has started working on getting the house more livable and just generally looking better for when they come. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a ‘traditional’ Christmas, so I think we’re all working our best to make it happen. I prepared the great room for my dad so he could start putting the wood floor down. Once that’s down, we can start moving some of our furniture into it, along with the TV, which is currently in our office/den (because the great room was filled up with stuff from the trailer, haha).

I think it’ll be really amazing, having everyone here for Christmas. It’ll feel like this big house will finally have some warmth to it. There’s really nothing like having a house full of family. I never really noticed until now, but everything is considerably quieter since my three older brothers moved out. I really miss having the craziness of seven people living under one roof.

I can’t wait for Christmas!

That Old Feeling

2009-10-02T23:14:00.004-04:00

I've had bouts of depression the last few days. I was struck by another case of it earlier this evening, and it's still affecting me. I feel like there's really nothing to fill up my life with happiness, right now. Which totally explains why I spent my money on all that shit, and just recently bought Grand Theft Auto IV. I love the game, and I love everything I bought. But, as expected, none of it really brings me any happiness.

It's getting to the point where nothing I typically do to cheer myself up or keep my mind busy works, specifically downloading porn and masturbating. I'm not sure exactly what to do, now.

In other news, I've finally found a motive for doing things for myself. I just need to get with it. I figured out that one of the reasons my mom treats me the way she does, and not as an adult, is because I let her do things for me as if I were a child. For example, I had a doctor's appointment yesterday. Normally, I let my mom come back to the room with me because I'm nervous. However, for this appointment, I planned on having her stay in the waiting room.

Typically she asks, "Do you want me to come back with you?" But yesterday, she just automatically got up and came with me before I had time to tell her to stay in the waiting room. I had another opportunity to do things for myself when I could take my prescription to Martin's to get filled. But I had left my Medicaid card at home, so I was thinking that they couldn't fill it. My mom, though, said that since I had a script filled at another Martin's, that they would still do it, because they had all my information on file. Maybe subconsciously I was still too scared to do it, but in my mind I thought, "No way, I'll just do it next time we go into town." But, again, she went ahead and tried to do it. So that chance was lost.

And then again, today, she offered to call the Dowell J. Howard Center (the GED test center for this area), and see if she could take my info in and sign me up for me, because it wouldn't be worth it for me to go, due to all of the places she was going to by swinging by. I didn't want her to call, because that would be a huge letdown for myself. But she insisted, and I immediately regretted letting her do it.

Starting now, I'm going to stop letting her do things for me. I need to get out from under this dependency I seem to have on her.

A Wedding

2009-09-14T21:08:00.002-04:00

My brother called earlier today to let us know that him and Anne couldn't come visit us until his semester is over. He's a psychology major, and he has to study these birds and rats and all sorts of things. Apparently he has to be there all the time to watch them (not non-stop, but you get the point). And the study isn't done until the end of his semester, so... pretty self-explanatory. But he offered to have us all come down one Saturday or Sunday and just kind of hang out for the day, maybe go out to dinner, etc.

Then, towards the end of the call, he told my dad that he couldn't find anyone else to be groomsman at his and Anne's wedding, and to ask me if I would like to be one. I'm not sure if I want to or not. I'd get to wear some spiffy duds and feel important, which is always a plus. But I'll also have to act as an usher of sorts before the ceremony begins. And, depending on what kind of wedding it is, I may be standing up at the altar with the rest of the groomsman and bridesmaids for quite a while, which would be a total bitch.

The wedding isn't until next June. I'm not sure when he needs to know by, but I'm sure I have a decent amount of time to make my decision.

Finally Getting Somewhere... Maybe

2009-09-13T23:12:00.002-04:00

The other day I got a letter from Lord Fairfax saying that I had been accepted for admission. I wasn't as stoked as I thought I'd be when I got an acceptance letter from a college. But then, I think that's because I decided not to go to LFCC. San Francisco State University doesn't allow credits to be transferred unless you have at least 60. I'd only earn 17 in one semester at LFCC before I transferred, so there's really no point in going if my credits aren't going to be worth anything. It'd be a waste of my time and money.

So that's one less option to stress myself over. I can't stand spending another year here at home, but it's the only option I've got. At least I know, now, where I'm going. I still have to get my GED and figure out what to do about housing in SF. I emailed the woman who coordinates the GED testing in my area a few days ago, and she still hasn't written back. I'll probably have to call her if she doesn't write back by tomorrow. I hate the thought of calling someone, which is incredibly irrational. But I've long had a fear of talking to strangers on the phone. However, if it has to be done, it has to be done. It's time for me to grow up and deal with things like an adult.

I really need to test for the GED as soon as possible, because the application process for the Fall 2010 semester at SFSU starts October 1st, and ends November 31st. So I've got a fairly short window in which to submit my application.

As for the housing, well that's not as totally complicated. I originally planned on staying in dorms on campus. But when I talked to my mom about it and told her the price, she informed me how astronomical the price was. It really is, and I don't know how I missed it. I must've just thought, "Oh, financial aid is going to cover it, so what do I care?" But I looked at the dorm rooms, and did the math. It'll be roughly $1500 per month for a room that I'll be crammed in with another person. Not to mention hardly any privacy, since each floor shares a public bathroom. For somewhere around $800 a month, I could have relative privacy and the room to do pretty much whatever I wanted. So I'll most definitely be living off-campus.

One day last week, I started getting super stressed out over everything, and I couldn't sort everything out in my head. So I got out our old dry erase board and started jotting down important dates, people I need to contact, and things I just generally need to do for college. It's like my own little step-by-step list of what to do. It's really amazing at how much it's helped me out.

However, I've been plagued by pretty much sleepless nights for the past week or more. I don't know what it is, either. My sleeping schedule has been almost constant, and I don't stay up very late (2am at the latest, unless I'm able to stay online after my parents go to bed, which is rare). It's really bothering me, though. Last night was the strangest one so far. I would dream for a little bit, then wake up, and my whole body would feel really tired. Like, my joints were all achy. And whenever I fell back asleep and into a dream, it was the same dream. Which would cause me to wake up again. I don't remember exactly what the dream was, but a good analogy would be like if you were working, and then stopped. Then when you went back to working, some asshole would come and slap your face and yell, "Work harder!" Which would cause you to stop working, and thus start the cycle all over again.

I don't know what the hell is going on, but I really wish it stops, soon.

But, getting back to my future: I'm really glad that I'm seemingly getting somewhere with it all. I've felt kind of stuck in a funk with everything, like I'm trying to ice skate uphill. Finally I've gotten somewhere, eliminated some possibilities, and have a pretty definite view of what I'm working towards.

Boy does it feel good.

Missing Out

2009-09-03T17:39:00.000-04:00

Well, Brandon and Carolyn are moving in together, today. I told Brandon a couple nights ago how I'm "exceedingly jealous".

Brandon, Carolyn, and I were supposed to get an apartment together, until everything kind of got fucked up and we had a falling out. Now I'm wishing so bad that nothing had happened, so that both Brandon and me would be moving in, today.

While it kind of hits a string when Brandon talks about it, I really don't mind at all. I can tell he's really happy about being able to move out of his parents' place again. Hell, I'd be jumping for joy, too, if I were moving out of my parents' house, haha.

I really wish Brandon would kind of invite me to come live with them, but I don't want to push him into anything. I'm not one to intentionally invite myself into situations, and I'm sure as hell not going to do it in this one. Although I have to question part of my reason for writing all this in my blog, too. Maybe I'm hoping he'll read this and think about it. I really hope not, though. I want him to ask (if he does, of course) because he wants me there, not because I want myself to be there.

I seriously can't stand living with my parents anymore, and I want to move out as soon as possible. Sometimes I take my future really seriously, while other times I think, "Well, I've got a whole four or more years to figure out my life, I might as well try different things out." So I end up having arguments with myself about whether it's right to want to move to Michigan or not. If I would move there, I'm pretty sure my parents would be really upset with me, and sometimes it's really important to me that I have their support. I've seen what it's like when they severely disapprove of what one of their children does, and I really don't want to be on the business end of their disapproval.

However, I also firmly believe that I have to do what I believe is right for me, and me only. That's harder than it sounds, though. What if moving to Brandon and Carolyn's would be the wrong move for me? Any number of things could go wrong. I love Brandon and Carolyn, and I believe strongly that we'd all be great living together, but you never know until you're in the situation.

Another thing to consider would be how in the hell I would support myself. Get a job, of course. But that's easier said than done, no matter where you are. Moreso in Michigan. I'd more than likely go to the same community college that Brandon is going to, and he's currently getting set up with a work-study job. Maybe I could do the same.

Of course, how I can really think this much ahead of myself? It's dreaming, really, because I have no indication that Brandon will ask if I want to move in with them.

Before anything happens, I need to make up with Carolyn. I really miss her, and it's weird talking to Brandon and not being able to talk to her, because they're always together when I talk to them. Not that I don't love talking to Brandon singularly, it's just odd not having Carolyn there.

Brandon has, actually, invited me to visit either during Christmas break or Spring break. I was thinking Christmas break, because it's sooner. But I just remembered that, since my brother, James, and his girlfriend Maryeli, got married, they want to have a celebration in Mexico just before Christmas. And during Christmas, my grandma wants the whole family to go to Florida to be together. Our whole family (meaning my parents and all my siblings) hasn't been together since James went off to college 6 years ago.

I wish I could visit Brandon sooner, but I guess we'll just see what happens.

Part of me feels super guilty for even writing this in my blog, where I have a strong feeling that Brandon will sooner or later read it. I feel like I'm intentionally doing this so I can inadvertently ask him if I can move in. But, at the same time, I also hate keeping things to myself, and I have to tell myself that someone is reading this blog and knows what's going on.

Purchases

2009-08-27T00:05:00.005-04:00

I've ordered all of my stuff which I've decided to buy (obviously). I'm totally psyched about it. Everything together cost $739.79. But I think it's a fucking value considering what I'm getting:

Sony PlayStation 3 Slim

PS3 Remote

Killzone 2

Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots

Samsung P3

P3 Case

Altec Lansing Backbeat 906 Bluetooth Headphones

Everything should be here by the end of the week, or the first week of September at the latest. The PS3 Slim is due to be released on September 1st. When I originally placed my order for it on Amazon, they said that it was out of stock and that it would be delivered sometime between August 29th and October 5th. However, I received an email about 30 minutes ago saying that it would be delivered on September 1st. I'm so fucking stoked. The P3 is estimated to get here tomorrow. I feel like it's the best Christmas early!

My friend Apron downloaded Third Eye Blind's new album, Ursa Major, and uploaded it to his online hard drive. I was able to download it yesterday at the library, and I'm in love with it. As with their previous albums, it's damn brilliant. I'm completely obsessed with the song "Dao of St. Paul".

My mom, sister, and I went to northern Virginia today for a dentist appointment for us, and an orthodontist appointment for my sister. After the dentist visit (which went better than usual, haha), we stopped at a neat thrift store called The Bargain Loft, where my mom and sister got a few things. We also stopped at what we called, "The Bread Store" in Herndon, where we used to live. It's really called Great Harvest Bread Co. The bread is fucking amazing. It was strange driving through Herndon, though. We've been through the town countless times since we left, but we went through some parts we don't usually travel by, today, and it started to affect me.

After we stopped at The Bread Store and The Bargain Loft, we went to my sister's orthodontist. As we pulled into the parking lot, I said, "I have a feeling we're going to run into someone we know." We never did, at the orthodontist's office. We went to K-Mart, afterwards, though, and I saw a guy that used to control the starter and PA system at our swim meets. So, I guess I was kind of right. We did somewhat know him. Or at least recognized him.

Spending and Getting Friendly

2009-08-22T21:29:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm getting a PlayStation 3, baby! Sony recently unveiled their new "slim" version of the PS3, with a starting price of $300. Oh, and it comes with a 120GB hard drive. Sweet, yeah? I'd say so. I decided to go ahead and buy it, along with two games: Killzone 2, and Metal Gear Solid 4. I'm so damn excited for it. But I'm in misery waiting. See, when my mom finally told me no to the laptop, I decided to just let it go. But, I also need a new mp3 player, which I was going to buy with the laptop. So I asked her if I could at least get the mp3 player. Her and my dad talked it over and said I could. It's a touchscreen Samsung P3 with bluetooth. So naturally, I'm getting some sweet bluetooth headphones with it, which also double as a headset for if I ever get a phone with bluetooth.

The P3 and headphones, along with a decent leather case for the P3, is about $300, exactly. So I transferred $365 (extra in case I decided to do rushed shipping) from my savings to my parents' bank account on Wednesday. On Thursday night, I found out about the PS3. I debated over it for hours, finally deciding that I would buy it. So, along with the games, everything comes out to $700. I had to transfer another $365 that night (bringing the total to $720), but it takes five days for the transfers to complete. Three days to transfer to an external bank, and two for the external bank to initiate a hold on the funds and confirm that the money is genuine. I won't have all the money until Tuesday, and I wish so bad I could just preorder the PS3 and the mp3 player and stop worrying about it, haha. But the PS3 doesn't ship until September 1, so I have plenty of time. It's just nerve-wracking sitting around waiting, haha. I have no idea how my family will respond to the PS3 showing up at the front door, but oh well!

I'm so excited, I even built a little shelf that's attached to our TV stand that can hold my Wii, PS2, and eventually the PS3. It also has a little cubby to hold my last five played games. It's going to be sweet. <3

Some other news is that me and Brandon made up, haha. Also on Thursday night, as it turns out. Our mutual friend, Kevin (kind of, since I don't really talk to him a lot), offered to help us talk it all out, haha. I agreed, and then waiting for Brandon to download and install MSN. I was so nervous, haha. I was shaking and got really cold. When he finally got in the chatroom, it all just kind of drifted away slowly. It was actually easier than I thought it would be. We both decided to just put it all behind us and start fresh. It feels awesome having Brandon back in my life again.

I would like to talk to Carolyn and patch things up there, but I don't quite know why she is so disliking of me at the moment. One night when I know I won't be forced to get off the internet abruptly, I'll be sure to IM her and try to work things out. I miss Carolyn, too.

Realization of Death

2009-08-12T20:51:00.003-04:00

I don't know even where to begin this one. I don't fully know what I need to write down, even. But I need to let some of my thoughts and emotions out, because I feel like I might burst any minute with anger and sadness.

I wonder sometimes why I tell people the things I do. Not that I lie, or tell half-truths, or anything like that. What I mean is: I wonder if I tell people things just to get some pity and attention? I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth to friends is just a story with an ulterior motive for compassion. I find myself questioning everything I say, now. Because of it, though, I hardly ever elaborate on what's bothering me because I feel like I'm just seeking attention, hence the bottling of emotions.

Not that there's much anyone could do for me even if I did talk about my problems. And I'm not saying my friends are unreliable or useless. Far from it. It's just that there's only so much they can do from across the country or an entire ocean. Or maybe I'm just a stubborn son of a bitch and refuse to let someone help. Iunno.

The main thing that's had me in the slum lately is Athena's death. My friend, Allie, and I were talking about it a couple nights ago for a brief time. She told me how Ross (Athena's fiance, last I heard) has been a real wreck this past year. It just kind of started getting to me, thinking of how miserable he must be. And it suddenly dawned on me that Athena really is gone. I haven't been able to get that damn thought out of my head for two solid fucking days. No more crazed conversations about sex; no more computer-term euphemisms; no more sweet and random letters arriving in my mailbox from San Francisco. It's so hard to have an inescapable thought swirl around in your head: I feel like I could destroy this whole house out of the pain. It's so tough. I wish I could just have someone's shoulder to cry on, or at least talk to in person, to sit there and watch them listening intently.

The thing that angers me the most is how you can't turn back terrible things that have happened. It's so difficult to imagine her gone. It's like... She was here not long ago, and now it's like she disappeared without a trace. I guess that's why I wasn't affected by the news of her death right away. I just thought, "Oh, she's just taking a break from getting online. She's still there."

I can hardly do anything without being reminded of her. It's like when you break up with someone and you just see things of them everywhere you look.

I wish I could talk to someone that knew her. I debated whether or not to get in touch with Ross to offer support or my condolences. I even asked Allie what she thought, and eventually I decided against it. He has his own support people, he said, and that he wanted to keep it all on the DL. So I think one more person contacting him about it would be wrong. I began to think, then, if I really wanted to offer help, or if I wanted to use him as somebody I could use for support. I don't fucking know.

I miss her so much. I want her back.

Liar

2009-08-09T22:32:00.000-04:00

I'm so pissed off right now. A few nights ago, me and my mom were sitting on the futon on our den, and I asked, "Hey, since I'm 18, can't I legally use my savings money if I want to?" She replied, "If you want to go spend $3000, go right ahead." I couldn't believe it. I thought it was permission to use my money how I see fit. But I wasn't sure, so the next night I asked her again, if that's what she really meant, and she said yes. Sweet Jesus!

So I began looking up laptops again, since the custom model I had chosen before was discontinued. I eventually settled on a Dell Studio 17 with a shitload of add-ons that make it a beast, but still a pretty decent price. It's a good all-around laptop, maybe even slightly on the gaming side. However, it doesn't come with a dial-up modem, so I did some searching and found a good one, a TrendNET USB modem, for about $30 from Amazon.

Altogether, the laptop, the USB modem, along with a laptop messenger bag and an 8GB flashdrive, the cost comes out to $1356.96. Not a terribly bad price for everything I get, in my opinion. Relatively cheap, actually.

But for the last few days, my mom's been trying to deny she even said I could spend my money. Everytime I bring it up about buying the laptop, she says we need to talk about it, or that I flatout can't spend the money. And everytime I bring up the fact that she said I could. But, again, every single time she denies it or tries to change her wording around so that she can say I possibly misinterpreted what she said. Bullshit.

I brought it up again tonight, because I'm fucking tired of waiting and putting this off. The same things happened again, and we started to get into an argument when I just stopped, because I wasn't getting anywhere. She then said, "This is why I didn't want to talk about it." Because she knows what she said and she can't deny it. Always, ALWAYS she tries to remind me how in the beginning she told me I had to be just about in school before I could get a laptop. Fuck that, because then I say that she said TWICE that I could spend my money, the latter time with my dad right in front of us. And I know he heard. I don't think he really cares which way it goes, but he definitely doesn't want to cross my mom.

I mean, fuck, I'm going to be getting a laptop eventually. I want to get it now while I'm still able to get it with all of my customizations. And there's also a promotion going on for free 3-5 day shipping on most orders, which mine qualifies for. It'd be cheaper to get it now than to wait and have the price go up even higher.

If you haven't noticed yet, me and my mom don't quite get along.

Nina v. Sweet Krissy

2009-08-07T18:39:00.004-04:00

So, the laptop's back. And the speed of my posts has sort of dropped off, haha. I guess since it's been back, and since I still only have a couple hours a day on it, I try to get as much as I can get done. Unfortunately, I've pushed this blog near the bottom of the list.

So what's been going on? I really didn't think that much, but now that I dwell on the past few days, I suppose a decent amount of things have happened. Especially if we're judging by the thoughts and emotions going through me. Let's take this chronologically from oldest to newest events.

Brandon and Carolyn, of course, and what our mutual friend Apron told me a few days ago. Apparently, he was in a conversation with Brandon and Carolyn in which Brandon said, "Hey, you should call Josh." Apron said it was like he kind of felt bad about what happened, so he wanted to call and make amends. Apron asked what I would do if they called, and I said, "I dunno, I haven't decided. But the way I'm feeling right now, I'd probably say, 'Fuck off.'" I didn't really feel that way, at least not completely. I was actually debating whether I would let them back into my life or not. So the next night, I asked Apron more about it, starting with what the context of the conversation was. I don't remember what he said, but it wasn't anything big. He also mentioned that Carolyn said she didn't wanna talk to me, in a cold sort of way. It was odd, like both of them had switched places. At first, Carolyn was okay, and Brandon was the one acting all angry. I wasn't even aware I did a any-fucking-thing to Carolyn.

I can't believe I actually debated what to do. For the next few days I was on edge everytime the phone rang, constantly yelling, "If it's for me, I'm not here!" What a coward I am. I still prefer that they not call, but if they do, I know what to say.

I guess the next thing would be... Nina! Baha. Nina's the second of my two English friends (even though technically she's Australian -.-). We've become quite the flirtatious friends since I've gotten the laptop back. Well, honestly, we flirted a bit before, but we were having fun! But then, she also had a boyfriend then. Now things are a little more... risky, I guess is the word. Or serious. Whatever, haha. It's still flirting and teasing, and I absolutely love it! It has me slightly worried, though. I do love Nina, a lot, and I'm completely enamored with her, haha. But I'm not exactly sure what our status is. And I'm afraid to get too involved with someone who I can't physically see and touch.

Nonetheless, you can't stop emotions, so I'll just follow it wherever it goes. :)

Another thing on my mind about Nina is that, at this moment, I miss her. Christ, the last time I talked to her was the day before yesterday, but I just enjoy talking to her that much. Still, I can't help but think sooner or later my super emotionally-driven clingy side is going to show itself. Personally, I can't stand that side of me, but I also can't help it. Should anything with Nina (or any other girl for that matter) go any further, I'm pretty confident that part of me will come off as so damn unattractive and ugly that it'll kind of ruin what chances I have. Ah well. Like I said, follow it wherever it goes.

I think the next thing would be Sweet Krissy. Oh God, what a strange and complex mind-fuck this is. She's a pornstar. And for some reason, I'm completely obsessed with her. It's normal to be aroused by pornstars, of course. But it's hard for me to look at her and not stare at her whole body to find that beauty floods every part of it. I have more photos of her than any other category or pornstar in my 'collection', and I have a pretty big cache of porn on the computer. I don't quite know why, though. I just find her so beautiful, and it's to the point that after I masturbate to her, I actually just lay there staring at one of her pictures, imagining myself holding her after sex, smelling her hair, caressing her skin.

Like I asked Sammy earlier today: Have you been alone too long when you start being completely enamored with a pornstar? Iunno. She says not. I'm still considering, baha.

Here's a couple of my favorite pictures of her, because I need to find an excuse to look at them again:

I still can't quite put my finger on why she looks so amazing. I know one of the most attractive things in these pictures is her hair. It looks absolutely incredible.

College Troubles

2009-08-02T19:39:00.003-04:00

I've decided against Boston University. It's a great college, and I'm sure I would've been happy there, but it was an extreme longshot to get in. Also, they have no Spring semester, and I couldn't stand staying here another year waiting for the Fall 2010 semester. So I began looking at other schools, mostly ones in San Francisco. I narrowed it down to two: San Francisco University, and San Francisco State University. SFU is a Jesuit school, and I'd rather not go to a university with a religious affiliation.

I was just looking at SFSU, and got some depressing news. Because of the California financial crisis, the school is unable to accept applications for the Spring semester. Fuckers, haha. But I'm really liking the school, so I may just go to LFCC for a year, then transfer to SFSU. Another possibility is going to France for working abroad. I've always wanted to go to Europe, and it's a pretty damn cheap way to see it (a part of it, anyway). Nonetheless, it's still quite a substantial amount of money to do it, so I'll need to look into any possible financial aid.

Another concern is whether I'm doing this more to see a couple friends I have in England more than for my own personal growth and experience. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends. But like I've said before, I need to start doing things for myself.

Oh, also, we got a replacement hard drive for our laptop, so that's back. I'm actually typing this blog at home, haha. Yay! It's a little weird having the computer back after not having it to use for so many months. I've even noticed that I'm not always trying to get online. Or at least, not as passionately, haha.

Some Japanese Poems

2009-07-29T16:15:00.002-04:00

Earlier in one of my recent blog posts I put in a Japanese Poem from Shika Waka Shu, a collection of ancient Japanese poems. I wanted to put down a few other poems I read in the collection which mean something to me. They don't really have any titles, just numbers and what section of the book they're in. So, here we go.

Sundry
325. That rain coming down
Even to my very feet
Must be tears, in fact,
Because I am torn by the thoughts
Of the ins and outs of things.

281. The emotion of
Detesting those who may be
Unsympathetic,
Is much more miserable
Than falling flowers may be.

379. The essence of the
White River which sustains
us,
Can be discovered
By anyone who might dip
Into its flow in the heavens.

415. How can I reveal
The moonlight which is concealed
Deep inside my heart,
So that it can show the way
To people lost in the dark.

Autumn
109. Because what blows in
Is a wind with a certain
Amount of appeal.
The poignancy I will feel
Is simply going to chill me.

Winter
158. What would we do if
The one we are waiting for
Were to arrive now!
I would regret walking on
The snow there in the garden!

A Dream*

2009-07-29T14:18:00.000-04:00

I just remembered! I had a dream about Sammy last night, haha. Lately, I haven't been remembering dreams, so go me!

I'm going to try to write down as much of it as I can remember (while simultaneously listening to Sonata Arctica, since I only have my PSP for listening purposes at the mo').

The first bit I remember is pulling into a tiny stone driveway. I was thinking, Damn European cars and their tininess. We were outside what looked like a stone house or cottage. Turned out to be a McDonald's, haha. Inside the restaurant, I felt like everyone knew I was an American because of the looks they were giving me.

Sammy, Matt (Sammy's boyfriend; Hell if I know why the heck Sammy's friends or boyfriends always turn up in my dreams along with her), and I walked up to the counter to order. Matt didn't look like himself, and I don't know why. He was tall, but pencil-thin.

Anyway, Sammy ordered, then it was my turn. I looked up and saw this glass case with food you wouldn't typically see in a Mickey D's; though it seemed normal in the dream. All of the food was labeled with really weird, foreign names--none of which I understood. So I just ordered some fries (and assumed the worker knew what I was saying). Then Sammy and I went to sit down. That's as far as I can remember.

So... there you go! I had a dream about me and Sammy going to McDonald's. xD It's been a while since I've dreamt of Sammy, though, so it was pretty damn cool getting to "see" her, again.

Oh, and another thing: Dell is sending us a free replacement hard drive. So, assuming it'll fix the computer and be the correct hard drive, I should be back online at home within the next couple days. -10:50am

For Sammy

2009-07-23T16:46:00.002-04:00

One quick thing before I have to leave the library. Sammy's been asking for a photo of the kittens, and I have yet to upload any. However, my sister had me take one of her for her MySpace earlier today, so I'll put that one up to hold Sammy over until I get to uploading the rest. Enjoy, Samzters!

Elaborating*

2009-07-23T15:52:00.003-04:00

7/22/09 - 11:01PM
Alright, I'm going to try to tackle the whole Nick & Norah deal. It seems so silly to have a movie cause so much emotion and thought. But it's not exactly the movie at face value. It simply represents another life I could be living.

I read a poem earlier from Shika Waka Shu, a collection of Japanese poems. It goes as follows:

"Because what blows in
Is a wind with a certain
Amount of appeal.
The poignancy I will feel
Is simply going to chill me."

I think it partly says how the movie is making me feel. I love the movie, but it saddens me when I compare it to my life. Which is stupid, because it's a movie, therefore it can't be 100% realistic. But certain aspects are true to life. It evokes feelings which are long lost and long missed, the biggest one being that feeling you get where things may not be perfect--you may not even be happy--but you still wouldn't want to be anywhere else than where you are in that moment, nor with anyone else than the fantastic company you're already in.

No matter how much I write about this, I still feel like I am not even coming close to explaining how I really feel. Just laying close to someone, looking right into their eyes, running a hand through their soft hair, and simply talking to them sounds like the most appealing thing in the world right now.

Fuck.

"Look, other bands, they wanna make it about sex or pain. But The Beatles, they had it all figured out, okay? 'I want to hold your hand.'

"That's what everyone wants...! They don't want a 24-hour humpfest, they don't wanna be married to you for 100 years; they just wanna hold your hand."

Thought Processes*

2009-07-23T15:35:00.003-04:00

7/21/09
Today's been a slow day, and my Aderol is causing me to feel like I need to accomplish something. So, without another thing to do, I'm going to write. (Gasp!)

I realized I haven't really written about what's been going on with me, lately. Aside from the college stuff, that is. I guess it'd be the stuff I've been thinking about.

One of those things, unfortunately, is Brandon and Carolyn. But what else can someone who's short on friends but abundant in time do? It's frustrating, because they don't even deserve to be in my thoughts, and yet I still find myself reliving in my head all the shit we did and how it all came to a screaming halt. When you have as much time to think as I do, you begin to consider different things. And the fact that I've been lied to before by friends doesn't help the theories. The foremost biggest of which is that Brandon and Carolyn set it all up to have a reason to stop talking to me. I mean, it all just looks fishy to me. They both get in some fight, of which I don't witness firsthand. Then Brandon drops a bombshell on me, saying, "I know you'll tell Carolyn, anyway." Although I tell him I won't, as per his request. Then she calls, asks me what all he said, and even though I resist, she keeps pressuring, so I tell her the bombshell. (I just remembered that before I talked to Brandon, I was on the phone with Carolyn, and she asked me to let her know what Brandon would say.)

Anyway, then she goes and tells Brandon that I told her. Wham, friendship over.

It doesn't really matter, though, because the friendship is gone, and it's not coming back. I wouldn't even let them back in my life on the offhand chance that they try to make up with me. The only purpose any of my theories serve is to make me feel like none of it was my fault. Hence the reliving of memories, scanning them all for an instance where maybe I brought it on myself. I'm really only about 70% sure it wasn't my fault.

It's really all for the better, though. Consider if we all were still friends: I'd go on a road trip without my parents' permission; fuck up our relationship because of it; and more than likely financially rape myself at 18 by moving to Michigan and paying for an apartment with my small amount of savings.

I really need to start thinking for and of myself. That's one good thing about being alone: you don't have other people influencing your decisions. It's sad that I'm just realizing how apt I am to live my life around others. The other day I was talking to my mom about apply to Boston University when she asked what has happened to me wanting to go to Southern Utah University. I had completely forgotten about it! It was a school I was considering when me and Laura still wanted to be near each other. I'm so glad I didn't decide to go there, because it was in a rural setting, and it just really didn't attract me. I want to live in an urban or suburban setting, where there's no shortage of things to do or people to do them with. I think I would've been miserable at SUU.

Now that I'm free of constraints, I can choose for myself what I want to do with my life.

Another thing that's been on my mind isn't really a memory or a plan, or anything in particular. It's more like a feeling, but the sensation makes it feel like a memory. It's so damn weird. I have no idea why it happens, and it seems to occur at random times. What "it" is, is a vision of this bright, sunny sidewalk next to a big white building. I don't know specifically where it is, but definitely in California. Like I said, it feels like a memory, as if I've been there before. But I've never stepped foot in California. And I can't even fully imagine it in my mind. I just get this sense of what it's like to walk along the sidewalk in the mid-afternoon Californian sun. Whatever it is, I hope I find out what the significance of it is.

I had originally planned to write more about Nick & Norah, and then decided to get to it after what I just put down. But I've forgotten what I was going to write about it. I will certainly remember, though. 'Till next time.

Oh, and it was dark when I sat down to write, so I put in a light on my desk:

Nick, Norah, and College*

2009-07-23T14:43:00.008-04:00

I wrote some entries in my notebook, and am now transferring them. From now on, any title of a blog post that has an asterisk next to it is a post that was not written at that exact time and place.

7/21/09
I watched Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist yesterday morning. I was working all of Sunday to get my desk finished by Monday, so my brother, Lucas, and his fiance could see it. I stayed up until 2am painting the surfaces (having stained the standards on Saturday night). Anyway, I still had a couple more surfaces to do the second and final coat on before Lucas and Anne arrived at around 10:30am, on Monday. So I went to bed at 2 on Sunday (technically Monday) and woke up at 7 to paint. I wanted to leave the paint with enough time to dry to the touch, which is about 2 hours.

None of this really matters, though. It just explains why I was up so early, haha.

After I finished painted and while waiting for it all to dry so I could assemble the whole desk, I decided to watch Nick & Norah, which I had gotten from the library the day before.

The move was great; I really loved it. It's hard to describe it, though. It has the silly humor of something like American Pie, but the plotline itself is more serious. It got me really depressed. Like, I know I'm sad and feeling alone, but I've grown to live with it, so I typically just pass it on to the back of my mind. This movie, however, brought it all rushing to the front.

For one thing, Michael Cera's character reminds me a lot of myself. Especially in the first secene, where he leaves his ex a voicemail. If I hadn't known better, I'd think it was me. He was just so awkward and rambling on and on, haha. I think anyone I've ever left a voicemail for would totally agree, but none of those people are really still in my life, much less reading this blog.

The movie on a whole got to me. It had (or has) everything I want in my life: a totally bitchin' love interest; amazing friends to get into trouble with; and the freedom to go out and have these amazing times with all of them that you'll remember forever.

I mean, shit, I crave that stuff so much that by the end of the movie, I loved Kat Dennings's character and felt like I had two (hot) gay guys for friends.

And, like I said, I was incredibly depressed by the end, and all of Monday, I pretty much stuck to myself, even though Lucas and Anne were here. I slept a lot, also, which my mom asked about later. I told her I only got 5 hours of sleep the night before, which was true. But I think I also slept more than enough to make up for it. When I used to get depressed, I tended to sleep a lot so I could escape my thoughts.

Fuck, I wish I could jump right into college and at least feel like I could go out with someone. Or at least to make some friends. It's so saddening to suddenly see how devoid your life is of a sense of belonging.

Speaking of college, I sent my SAT scores to LFCC. I'm not sure if that's what they needed me to do to show I scored over 500 in the sections, or if I should bring my copy of scores with me when I go to take the placement test. I'll take it along just in case. I may need to call the testing center and ask about the Ability to Benefit test, which is for those without a GED/diploma and plan to apply for federal aid. You're supposed to take it at the same time as the placement test, so I dunno if I need to let them know ahead of time or not. I've also started my FAFSA and Common App for BU, but I'll need some info from my parents so I can complete them. It's frustrating that I have to wait fro some of this--that I can't get it over with! But, oh well. I'm on my way, baby!

Oh, and I want my fucking laptop already, haha. I just need to make sure it comes with a modem before I'm absolutely sure it's the one I'm going to get. I want to be able to get online at home as well as school.

My mom's friend's husband looked at our laptop and said it was the hard drive (as me and Brandon figured out months ago). He's going to look for a replacement hard drive for us. So I don't think it'll be much longer 'till we have our laptop back.

Oh, and here's the finished desk:

Boom, baby!

Getting on with it

2009-07-17T15:07:00.002-04:00

One post right after the other! Man, am I ever on a roll?

I applied to Lord Fairfax Community College yesterday. You don't even need to have a high school diploma or GED, haha. However, since I don't have either of those, I have to take placement tests to see if I need to take some remedial classes before I can start college courses. Unless you scored over 500 on the Critical Reading, Writing, or Math sections of the SATs. I got over 500 on the Critical Reading and Writing, but a 470 on my Math, so it looks like I'll have to take the placement test for that. Let's hope I do alright at it.

I applied for the Spring semester, so I still have some time to prepare myself. I also plan on applying to Boston University (I know, they're completely different schools). But BU has a fucking extensive application process, so I don't think I can really complete it until we get the laptop back, because some of the information they ask for is stuff you don't know off the top of your head. (Why do they need to know when and where my brothers went to school?)

I'm kind of freaking out that my life is moving on. College is a huge change from how I'm living now. But I need this, so I'm not going to chicken out at the last second. I'm even more afraid of not doing anything with my life.

Another plus of going to college is getting my laptop. Shazzam! I plan on getting my money's worth, too. I'm not gonna buy a laptop and have it break on me in my sophomore year, haha. Man, here I go to become the average college student!

I'm not sure which school I'll go to just yet. I'm sure BU has a liberal arts program that I can take for my first two years while I decide what my major will be. I still have no idea what I want to do with my life, and it's scaring the shit out of me. On the other hand, LFCC is a great community college, and it'd be convenient because of how close it is to me. It's really only a two-year school, though, so I'd definitely be transferring at some point, which I have some qualms about. When you transfer to a different college, most undergrads have already formed their main group of friends, so it can be kind of hard to make some. Whereas if you were to stay at the same school, you'd be thrust into college with a bunch of other freshman, who then become some group of friends all throughout college. Sigh.

Anyway, I've got a shitload of stuff to do for this college deal, and little time to do it, so I'll update this again as soon as I can. Ciao!

What the shit?

2009-07-16T13:16:00.004-04:00

I have literally lost motivation to write in this blog. I'll think of something to write, and tell myself I need to write it down in my notebook so I can copy it to here when I come to the library. But I don't feel like hand-writing something. I wish I had the fucking laptop back so I could just hop online and write some blog posts whenever I think of something.

By the way, we left the laptop with one of my mom's friends. Her husband is an IT guy, I believe, and he said he'd take a look at our laptop as a form of repaying my dad for kind of fixing their front door. Swanky!

I, myself, am looking at buying myself a laptop with some of my savings. It'll eventually be a laptop for when I go to school, which is why my mom is letting my use my savings money for it. However, she said I can't buy one until I'm in school. Meh, seems pretty reasonable to me. I don't know, though, if she means like, right when I'm about to enroll in classes, or maybe after I've been accepted to school(s).

I've completely decked out my room in the house. Okay, well not really, but I've totally been adding my touch of things around the whole joint. The tile, which was my design, was put down in the upstairs bathroom the day before yesterday. It's a totally retro look, with black and white tiles on the floor in a checkerboard pattern, on the diagonal. In the shower, it's all white, with a black listello-type row of black tiles at eye-level. It's totally bitchin', and I will definitely put some photos up of it when the bathroom's completely done. My mom and sister picked out this blue-green paint color for the walls that adds to the retro look. But the toilet and sink haven't been hooked up yet, so it's not totally done.

I also built myself a killer desk purely out of scrap wood that was left over from putting trim around the windows. It's the greatest thing I've ever built, and I plan to make it look like a tree. The standards (or legs) will be stained a kind of white or yellow color, and the surfaces will be painted a green. It's inspired by this PSP wallpaper I got from the PS Store a while back. It's this awesome banzai tree painted on a concrete wall. It totally fits with the whole Japanese look I'm going for in my room. Here's the picture:

My whole room is basically going to be designed around that one picture. Before I do anything to the desk, though, I'm going to find my woodburning kit and etch a Japanese symbol somewhere on the desk, where it's big enough to stand out and add just the right amount to style to it all. The desk itself has lots of curvers and looks pretty fluid. To say I love it is a severe understatement, haha.

Happenings II

2009-06-19T15:33:00.000-04:00

Christ has it been forever since I've been to the library. Damn mom. Anyway, most of my news is going towards Sammy's email, and I hate repeating myself, so I'll consolidate the happenings (maybe).

We moved into the house! YAY! I got most of my furniture in. The only downside is climbing up and down the fucking stairs. The first couple days we were living in there, my legs ached all over. Well, actually, that's not the big downer of moving in. The big one is that we don't get to spend much time with the dogs because they're only allowed in the basement. But I'm currently working on turning it into a sort-of family room. I framed in a wall and put plywood up on it, and I moved a couple pieces of furniture down, along with an old TV and our second satellite box. I'm waiting for some help to move the couch and other sidetable down, and eventually our huge bookcase. Oh, and the recliner. I also need the extension cords which are being running to the trailer to keep our unmoved freezer running, since power to the trailer was cut off before we moved into the house, for safety reasons. All in all, the basement will look like the living room of the trailer. But back to the extension cords. We only have one outlet in the basement, and it's on the other side of it, so I have to run a long extension cord, some splitters, and another extension cord to plug in the lamps and the TV/satellite. I can't wait to get it done, because I miss spending time with the dogs, and I can tell they're really going crazy without us, lately.

We only have temporary occupation of the house, which means we only have 30 days to get it finished, but we can still live in it during that time; however, the inspector said that we can request an extension for 30 more days if it looks like we won't be able to make it in time, and that they've never kicked anyone out after they've gotten temporary. Still, our insurance isn't really appreciative of the temporary certificate, so I don't think they'll renew us again if we don't make it in 30 days. The good news is that we really don't have a whole lot to get done. My mom, sister, and I went to the tile store today to pick out tile, and we're almost definitely going with a black & white checkerboard floor. And in the shower, we'll have all white on the walls, with some black tiles as a listello (like a border of tile in the middle of the white tiles). It's gonna look sweet. I told my sister that we could use this series of rain forest-design shit from Wal-Mart, like cups, shower curtain, curtain rings, rugs, etc. It'll be wicked. I can't wait for it to get done.

Other big news: Our cat had kittens! Holy shit they're so adorable. She had four, and I named one Popeye because only one of his eyes opens, hahaha. He's the cutest thing ever. Sometime soon I'll upload pictures of 'em to here. She originally gave birth to them on top of some insulation underneath the trailer. It was lucky we found them there. My mom called the vet just to see if it was alright, and they said to take the kittens out from under the trailer immediately. The insulation was fiberglass, which obvious would've fucked up their tiny little lungs and sinuses and shit. I build a welping box for Shadow (the momma) to take care of them in. I have to say I was rather proud of it. Just a plain square box, but I lined it with leftover linoleum and somewhat waterproofed it for when they start peeing in bulk, haha.

Around the time that we brought the kittens inside, our other cat (the stray that showed up first, and has been living with us for a few years) disappeared. The night before she left, she seemed kind of pissed off at everyone, or maybe less appreciated. Then a couple days later, my sister found her, and she yelled for my mom. I was down in the basement framing in that wall when I heard my mom screaming, "Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" I thought maybe they found Vicky's body, and it was mangled or something. It scared the shit out of me, so I took off my toolbelt and run up the stairs. I didn't want to see the body, so I stood back and asked my mom what happened. She said Vicky was cut up. Not dead, though. She had this huge gash going all the way along the left side of her torso. We tried to disinfect it, but she wouldn't sit still. So my mom called our vet, and they (my mom and sister) took her in right away. Apparently the gash was open all the way down to her bone. She said that an animal could've gotten to her, a blister under the skin got so big and just popped, or someone through some kind of chemicals on her that burnt right through her skin. Either way, I'm glad she's okay. She got stitches, had to stay overnight at the vet's office, and now she's back home, resting it up on some pain meds. Her torso looks like something out of Frankenstein, I swear to God, haha.

Anyway, I suppose that's about it. I've kind of written myself all out, so 'till next time.

Athena

2009-06-01T13:22:00.002-04:00

I found out last week or so that one of my old best friends, Athena, had died. It didn't really hit me with surprise, though. Athena had some kind of lung disease since birth, and she had told me she wouldn't live much longer.

Her and I used to talk just about everyday (or every night, rather). She was, without a doubt, the most unique person I've ever known. I'm finding it difficult to adequately explain who she was. I guess you just can't put words into the proper order for Athena. I used to always discuss our conversations with my mom because they were so interesting, constantly referring to Athena as "The Girl with the Red Hair". I avidly remember how her she dyed her hair cherry red, all of it. She looked amazing with it. It was mostly because of her that I dyed my hair red a couple summers ago, although mine was more of cherry highlights than anything, haha.

Somewhere in our friendship we kind of drifted off, because she stopped getting online. After I didn't see her on for a while, I sent her a couple comments on MySpace, neither of which were replied to. I started to assume she had passed on, but I never truly believed it; I wanted her to still be here. About a week and a half ago, when I came to the library, I checked out her MySpace, just to see if she'd recently logged in. Then I saw a few comments from friends, obviously showing their respect for someone who had died. It (surprisingly) got to me right away. Not extremely, but it still kind of affected me. I didn't expect the news to hit me immediately, though. Not full-force, anyway.

Ever since then, however, I haven't been able to get her out of my head. I loved her a lot, and still do (so ignore the past-tense). She was there for me just about constantly, and she's a big reason for who I am. I keep thinking about all the conversations we used to have, all the weird things we did for each other. I remember when she wrote a little note on one of her vibrators and took a picture for me, haha. I wish I still had it. When we first started talking we would make sesxual innuendos with computer terms. Like how I would want to "stroke your USB port". It makes me so sad that we won't have those conversations anymore.

Once, last year in March, she said I could come live with her (in San Francisco) with her fiance, Ross. Whether she seriously meant it or not, I have no idea. But I took it as if she did. I told my mom one morning as I was waiting for a Greyhound bus to Ohio, "Athena, the Girl with the Red Hair, said I could go live with her and her boyfriend in San Francisco." The mere thought of living with her was exciting, I felt like I had to try my hardest to make it a reality.

The absolute greatest thing from our friendship was that we were penpals. Even if we were just sending nothing, we sent something. She once sent me a ticket from a bus ride (or something of that nature). As I remember, that was all she sent that time. I loved it, though.

Sometimes I get the feeling that she's around me, spiritually. I don't know if she really is, but it is incredibly comforting to believe it. Even though we haven't talked in months, or more than a year, she's still able to comfort me.

One last thing: We both looooved Red Hot Chili Peppers. As I was prone to do way back then, I found that a song reminded me of her. I put it on my list of things to do before I do that me and her would slow dance to it. Here are the lyrics:

My shadow side, so amplified
Keeps coming back dissatisfied
Elementary, son, but it's so...
My love affair with everywhere was innocent,
Why do you care?
Someone start the car, time to go...
You're the best I know

My sunny side has up and died
I'm betting where we collide
The universe will shift into a low
The travesties that we have seen
Are treating me like Benzedrine
Automatic laughter from a pro

My, what a good day for a walk outside
I'd like to get to know you a little better, baby
God knows that I really tried

My, what a good day for a takeout bride
I'd like to say we did it for the better of...

I saw you there so unaware,
Those hummingbirds all in your hair
Elementary, son, but it's so...
The disrepair of Norma Jean
Could not compare to your routine
Balarama beauty goin' toe to toe

My, what a good day for a... let it slide
I'd like to say we did it for the better of...

I thought about it and I brought it out
I'm motivated by the lack of doubt
I'm consecrated but I'm not devout
The mother, the father, the daughter, yeah

Right on the verge, just one more dose
I'm traveling from coast to coast
My theory isn't perfect, but it's close
I'm almost there, why should I care?
My heart is hurting when I share
Someone open up, let it show

My, what a good day for a walk outside
I'd like to think we did it for the better of...

I thought about it and I brought it out
I'm motivated by the lack of doubt
I'm consecrated, but I'm not devout
The mother, the father, the daughter- Oh

You don't form in the wet sand,
You don't form at all... Whoa
You don't form in the wet sand,
I do... Yeah...

Happenings

2009-05-28T14:18:00.002-04:00

Oi, all this week I've had literally hundreds of thoughts, every single one of them perfect for writing down. And now I can't remember shit. Fuck.

Well, we're about ready to move into the house. All the drywall and siding is up. The walls and floors are clean upstairs, so me and my sister have moved a couple things up there. Last night I put her bookshelf in her room, and this afternoon I moved the computer desk up into the office, along with our printer and monitor. Sometime later (or tomorrow) I'm going to see if one of our old computers still works. That way we could have a cheapo computer in the office and still have our laptop (whenever we get it fixed) wherever we want it. My dad just finished yesterday putting all the wood flooring down in the kitchen, which is awesome, because now we can move the cabinets and appliances from the trailer into the house. We also got the tile put in in the master bathroom, on the floor and in the shower. So now we need to put a sink and toilet in there, and we're good to go. We're so close, haha. If everything goes according to plan, we'll most likely move in this weekend.

I've been helping our electrician lately with pulling wire and hooking up lights and switches and the likes. It's been fun, but he likes to pretend to be hard on me. It gets a little old after a while. It's also hard to work all day listening to fucking Rush Limbaugh the whole time. But it is nice to see a house that's been in the dark for the past six years be lit up partially because of your work.

Anyway, I'm so damn excited to move into the house. We'll still have a lot of work to do on it, but at least we'll be in it. I'd love to live in a room that's bigger than a closet.

I almost passed out in the shower last night. Well, not passed out. I almost collapsed. I tend to relax in the shower because it's the only place where I can escape from my family without interruptions. Lately I've just been sitting there doing nothing (I used to sit under the water and think and come up with solutions to some of my problems). Well, last night, I didn't come up with any solutions. But I did get thinking. My life is literally going nowhere right now. Although now that I think of it, how can you go nowhere? Time is in continuous motion, so even if I'm doing nothing at all, I'm still making my way towards my future. Bah, anyway, I digress.

I feel like I'm not doing what I should be with my life. But how much can I really do, also? Either way, I've been depressed for the last few months and I never fully realized it. And it isn't getting any easier. Ever since Brandon and Carolyn stopped talking to me, I've been feeling more alone than ever. I mean, at least when I had them as friends I had someone to talk to and vent. But now I don't even have that, and it's like it's slowly driving me insane. I keep all these thoughts and emotions bogged up in my head, and all they do is swirl around endlessly. I can't even masturbate anymore without feeling lonely and wanting someone's body next to mine to touch after I finish.

I have a few friends online, of course. And I love them all to tid bits. But it's still hard when someone's not there in person or on the phone to actually see or hear the emotion in your voice.

I believe I've lost Laura as a friend, as well. Not that we had a real strong friendship lately, anyway. She started partying with people and smoking and drinking immediately after her schoolyear was over. I'm not totally against people who do any of those things. And I can totally deal with it if it was in moderation. But it wasn't (and isn't, as far as I know; I haven't spoken to her in almost a week).

I was putting up a front of being okay with it, but one night we were on the phone and she said she should stop before it gets worse. I replied honestly, "Yeah, you should." Then she said, "What would you do if I didn't stop but then later on I came to you when it became a real problem and asked for your help?" Again, honestly, I replied, "I wouldn't give it to you." She was astounded, and I can see why she would be, I really can. But I'm kind of tired of pretending to be okay with everything people do, when it really hurts me. And this kind of pushed me to the edge. I don't agree with her doing any of those things, it's not who she is at all.

Then again, maybe it is who she is. But I still don't approve of it, and I'm not going to contribute to her throwing her life away. If she wants help now, I'm here to gi ve it. But if she ignores the seriousness of the situation and ignores my wanting her to stop, then I'll be ignoring her plea for help later on. I'll always be there for her, of course, for anything else. Just not this.

And that's why she hasn't called me for almost a week. Everytime the phone rings I say, "If it's for me, I can't talk." I didn't want to talk to her. But now I'm prepared to talk to her; obviously if she's calling, she wants to talk. So I'm going to be there.

I tell you what, though, I'm not going to be calling her apologizing. I'm over doing that shit.

Oh, and one last night before I go: I'm considering joining one of the military services. It's a slim chance, but I'm still considering it. Ironically, I got a notice from Selective Services on Memorial Day asking to update any of my information if need be. Baha.

I got the idea from our electrician, the right-wing extremist, and he honestly makes good points. But I also have to keep in mind that I'm taking suggestions from a man who actually takes every word Rush Limbaugh says seriously.

Shaved

2009-05-18T12:28:00.002-04:00

My hair has been getting really long lately. Well, not super long, but long enough that most of the time it makes me look retarded. Usually when my hair gets to where I wanna cut it, I just take our clippers and give myself a buzz cut. But our clippers are broken. My mom said she'd cut it for me, but she never did. Got too late in the day for her, I guess. So I figured I'd just do it myself. How hard could it be?

First, let me explain why I wanted it cut, why I couldn't wait for us to just get a new pair of clippers. Every Monday (or as often as we can), my mom, sister, and I go to the Boys and Girls Club to volunteer. I didn't wanna go in looking like a retard. Hence the getting my hair down to a decent length before today.

So at 1am, after everyone went to bed, I began cutting. I figured I'd just run my fingers through my hair and just snip off what went above my fingers. Not too hard for the top of my head; much more difficult for the sides and back. After some deliberating of about 3 minutes, I decided I'd just shave my head. It was a long process. I snipped off as much hair as I could with the scissors, then started shaving it off with a razor. Fuck, it's hard. I had to keep cleaning out the blades 'cause my hair was still too long for them. Finally after about 30 minutes of that, I decided I'd just get in the damn shower and do it, and I'm glad I did. It was a little hard because I didn't have a mirror (other than a really small one) or shaving cream. But I just shampooed my hair, shaved blindly until no more hair came out, and then rinsed my hair. I spent about another 30 minutes in the shower. I didn't do such a bad job, but I still had some hair left when I got out. I cleaned up the bathroom as best I could without waking anyone up, then got the rest of my head. Then I put some lotion on my head (haha, it sounds so silly), and went to bed. All in all it took me two hours to do.

My dad woke me up this morning at about 7:45 to help take the remaining four dogs outside, and when I walked into the living room he looked at me for a couple seconds, then said, "What?!" hahaha. My mom's reaction was about the same when I woke up later (I went back to bed after we were done with the dogs).

It feels so strange. My sister said earlier, "I hope you're not keeping it like that, because you don't look good with no hair." Which, y'know, really did help with my self-esteem. But I still prefer looking bald than having shitty hair.

Nonetheless, I will still wear a cap most everywhere because of how I feel about it, if not because it makes me cold, bahaha.

Capillary

2009-05-15T12:36:00.002-04:00

What is religion? Deep down? I thought of this question yesterday afternoon. I remembered a line from one of my favorite movies, V For Vendetta. One of the characters, Gordon, says to Evey (and I'm paraphrasing here): "Do I have to be Muslim to enjoy the poetry of the Qur'an?"

I never really thought about it in any kind of depth until yesterday. What is religion, really? What is almost every religion based around? Some kind of scripture. It all originates from some kind of written text that defines the religion, including its god. But do people really believe in the story, or do they find a meaning behind the story? Without a doubt some scripture is meant to have a hidden meaning, and it's just as true that some people believe in the upfront story.

I don't claim to be any kind of religious scholar, or anything like that. And I hate getting into religion-based arguments with people, because it is absolutely pointless. People are firm with their beliefs, and the more you try to point out their 'wrong' from your point of view, the more they cling to what the believe in.

I do claim, however, to be a Christian. But here's the thing: I don't necessarily follow the Bible. In fact, I don't follow the Bible at all. I've read it, I understand it, but when it comes down to it I follow my own beliefs: To be understanding of people; to forgive; to help where I'm needed; to stay in the background when I'm not; to appreciate the fact that there is beauty in everything. I don't need the Bible to create these cornerstones of my character. I use the Bible as a ways of reminding me that those traits are good and helpful. I could not be the way I am simply because I'm a Christian and the Bible says so. I need to personally believe in those things first: everything else comes after. The Bible to me is simply a book of poetry that simply exhibits what the world is made of, and it reaffirms my beliefs.

It's funny that I didn't even realize that until yesterday. I always figured it was just a book that was a mainstay of Christianity and Catholicism for some unknown reason: it just was.

As it applies to God, I think I lie with the rest of the people who believe in Him (or any other god) and see Him as a point of steadiness. But I don't involve God in my everyday life. After all, He gave us free will if we are to believe the Bible. And I choose to believe that I am in control of my day-to-day life. If I need help with something and have no one to go to, it's comforting to know that I can just close my eyes and think a message to an unknown higher power. I may not always have a firm faith in any of Christianity, including God, though.

It seems to me that every religion is simply a capillary to something greater--an enriched life, as it were.

Goodbye

2009-05-07T12:48:00.002-04:00

Sadness has filled my heart these last few days. Brandon and I are no longer friends (apparently I'm to dead to him, says him). I was getting over it. But then I watched the series finale of Scrubs. It was incredibly sad. It seems so silly, since it's just a television show. But it actually feels like you've lost someone you loved.

I'm really not in the mood to write, so this is a short post. But yeah.

I've said goodbye to two things that were big in my life this week. Woo, haha.

Conglomerate

2009-05-04T13:30:00.004-04:00

I haven't been online in a shitload of time. Lots has happened. I got my wisdom teeth taken out last Wednesday. Since then I've been knocked up on painkillers most of the time, which is awesome. Some shit happened between Brandon, Carolyn, and I, also. I don't really feel like talking about any of what's happened recently, though. However, I wrote a letter to a friend, and the way I wrote is in the style of blogging, so I'm just going to copy those few things from the letter into here.

18 April 2009
I've just gotten off the phone with Laura. Okay, not just now. I lied in my bed for a few minutes, wondering what to do. Call Carolyn? Nah, I wanted Brandon on the phone, too. But I knew he'd most likely be unable to talk at that time in the day. So I went into the living room to continue watching a movie with mom, dad, and Mariah. Even if I couldn't talk to them, at least I wasn't left alone to my thoughts. But I decided I did need to think. So I hopped in the shower: my only undisturbed haven in my house.

Anyway, Laura. She called--drunk. She said she was buzzed, but I knew better. 6 minutes we talked. Seems longer, all things considered. First of all, Laura doesn't drink. It was a surprise, to say the least. Laura, the straight-laced, workaholic, emotionally fickle girl. Ah, but I just reasoned her drunkenness, didn't I? I don't like talking to people who aren't sober. I certainly have no room to talk, though. In a month I plan to get shitfaced drunk with Brandon and Carolyn. But then, I'm a little more carefree and responsible when it comes to that. Contradictory adjectives, I know. But I digress.

You know why she called me? To tell me she had her first kiss. Jealousy consumed me. But why? Was I jealous that I wasn't the guy, or because even Laura seems to be able to 'get some action', as it were? It was a little bit of both, I think. No, I know. But I think what's maddened me the most is the simple fact that she called. It angered me that she called me, drunk as a leprechaun, purely to tell me she kissed a guy. That was all, which is why it was only a 6 minute call. Because she 'felt' she had to tell me. Why does she feel compelled to 'confess' such things? And why do I accept it with politeness and understanding? When asked if she could call me later, I answered with a casual 'sure,' even though in my head I screamed, "No, you selfish bitch. You can call me when you can reasonably decide what to tell me and what to keep to yourself!" WHy didn't I just say, "No, call me when you're sober."? Perhaps when she calls back, I will. If she can get through. It's likely I'll be on the phone with Brandon and Carolyn by then.

19 April 2009
It's been quite a birthday. It had been going alright at first. When Brandon, Carolyn, and I were on the phone last night, Carolyn said Happy Birthday just after midnight, followed by Brandon singing 'Happy Birthday' to me. It was sweet, and I smiled. They called again earlier this afternoon to say it again, I guess 'cause it was a bit more proper in the daytime. xD Laura had called a bit before them, but I told my dad (who had answered the phone) to say I was unavailable; I still wasn't in the mood to talk to her. Afterwards, I went outside to enjoy some nice Spring weather. I suppose it coul be described as pleasant English weaither: mostly cloudy, but the clouds were illuminated with the sun, creating this fantastic and beautiful battle b etween gray skies and golden skies. Not only that, but there was a slight breeze, with the electricity in the air which you only feel prior to Smmer showers, with the soft, sweet scent of rain hanging in the air. It was, perhaps, one of the most beautiful things I've experienced. It easily and automatically took me back to the happiest moments of my childhood--those moments in which you not only remember the memories, but you can refeel your emotions from that moment in your life. Simply amazing. I was just describing to Brandon last night how it feels when I listen to Third Eye Blind. We're both in love with the band, for the same reason: it takes us back to our happiest times. For me, it was lying on the bottom bunk in mine and my brother's room in Herndon late at night. Before we had to file for bankruptcy. Before the bank almost foreclosed our house and we were forced to move out of the place which had been our home for all our lives, with the exception of my parents. My bottom bunk was near the window. In the Spring and Summer, we'd leave it open for fresh air. My brother had a stereo, and one of the speakers was beneath the window, next to the bed. As I was laying there, I vividly remember a cool breeze carrying a sweet scent, which found itself gently brushing against my face while "Motorcycle Drive By" was playing. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

24 April 2009
I've been thinking of getting another tattoo. I was adamant about it, but now I'm not so sure. I've been thinking that maybe I could put the money towards a PS3. It'd certainly be just as worthy an investment, if not more. And I can get a tattoo later in life just as well. Who knows if mom will let me take any money out of my savings, though. I do plan on trying to re-sell my R/C helicopter, so that'd be about $100. Best case scenario, I'd have $215 to spend. That leaves $185 from savings if I were to get a brand new PS3 for $400. I'd like a new one. But the new models don't play PS2 discs, to cut down on productions costs. I would really like to be able to play my PS2 games. PErhaps I could find someone who's selling a new, older model. Brandon said I wouldn't find any PS3 for less than $200. I think that's a bit optimistic; I'd say no less than $330 or so. I guess I'll see, though, next time I go to the library.

25 April 2009
It's hot, today. Being inside a trailer that's surrounded with metal siding, wem ight as well be in an oven. I figured the two dogs we have inside today (Rufus and Zoe) must be burning up, so I've just taken them out for a 10-minute walk each. I started at 7:36PM. The sun was (and still is) setting behind the large hill in the back of our house. It seemed to light up the lower sky with a golden glow that peeked out from behind each tree that stood in its front. It have the illision that just over the hill there was a large green valley that was overflowing with the golden illuminant. It was the strangest thing, but I'm not complaining. There was also a slight breeze which differed from hot to cool. This kind of weather and scenery seems to cause me to drudge up old memories. Happy memories, but old ones--in most cases, anyway. The exception would be the summer Jenn and I were together. Firstly, I do not miss her. I do not miss what we had. I only miss what we did. As for this heat, breeze, and sunset, it makes me recall with vivid clarity the evenings in which we both clung to each other in the sweltering heart for the last few moments we had together before it was time for one of us to go home. The breeze in particular reminds me of when I would wait for her to arrive, myself laying on the hammock. Once she did get there, we would both lie back, clasp hands, swing, and talk about our day.

Of old memories, I can retrieve a conglomerate. Watching fire works late at night from our front yard, sitting in the cold grass; playing hide 'n' seek with all the neighborhood kids at 10 at night; finishing and coming home from a late Wednesday night swim meet. It's funny how I never cherished those moments as much as I should have. If I could, I would go back to any one of them right this second if given the chance.

Of late I've been craving what I had with Jenn. But it strangely doesn't phase me. It's been so long since I've had a physical, mutual, and loving relationship that when I imagine myself in one again, it's in the distant future.

I do not know why I seem to be recalling past memories so much, lately. Perhaps I've always been like this and I'm just beginning to notice. Or maybe as I draw nearer to adulthood, I am retracing my steps to this life I have now. Whatever it is, it often brings me down, causing me to feel pathetic; in effect, moreso ultradramatic.

But I believe I know why I seem to remember odd yet familiar memories at the slightest touch of an emotion. I don't know whether I was subconsciously adapting to my ADHD, or if it's my empathy. Maybe it's just how everyone remembers certain things. For whatever reason, I remember memories by memorizing my feelings and emotions at those exact instances. Maybe I should look it up, hm.

I don't know why I am writing this all. When it comes to things like this, I usually prefer talking to someone in real time. I find myself unable to discuss any of this with Brandon and Carolyn, though. It's not that I don't trust them. It's that I know I will fail to put any of this into adequate words which would explain it all. Especially not in a way that would keep them concerned, much less interested. I've never been much of an orator. Always a listener (and halfway decent writer! xP).

I've just realized two things. I'll start with the more important one. But first some short explaining.

Laura us, I believe, dating the guy she kissed. His name is Brandon, ironically. She called earlier and I asked what was up, to which she replied, "Nothing, just left Brandon's." I knew then where my jealousy stems from: Laura. Not Brandon. Mm, actually, I am a little jealous of him, but not so much as I am of her. I am so damn envious of her having someone to fall back on like that. To have someone all her own that she can physically touch. I'm fucking tired of being alone, to be blunt. Tired of being told that 'my turn will come'. Tired of waiting for something to happen. I am not so ignoranrt or naieve to feel that this is all not my own doing; that if I got off my as and fixed it, I could help myself. And I do indeed accept full responsibility. It's just that this all geta a little old after a while, y'know? I'm eager to care for someone. Hell, I spent 30 minutes yesterday elaborating on a smiley face I drew for Carolyn. In the end the face was hiding in the sun-soaked, rolling green hills. And I don't even care for Carolyn in a way more than a close friend. I just wanted to do something special for someone so they felt like they were cared for. I suppose that's the second thing I realized.

It's all so silly, isn't it? Anyone who reads this and doesn't know me owould say this is all teen angst. Oh God, is it?

The Beginning

2009-04-16T10:23:00.000-04:00

So this would be the start of a real blog for me. I think I'm off to a pretty dramatic start, what with the title of this first post and all.

I'll hop right into it. No sense in making a blog if I won't just post what's on in my life, right?

I stayed up all night last night talking to my friends Brandon and Carolyn on the phone last night. I'm so glad I did. Normally I'm only on for two hours, but the conversations were so all over the place. It went from serious to funny like the snap of fingers. We all talked about our futures, really. Not to mention, of course, the constant deprecating of Carolyn. Gotta love it.

As far as our futures go, we all have thrown around the idea of us three getting an apartment together sometime towards the end of this summer. We all have our differing reasons for doing this, but at the same time there's a constant shared goal: to get out on our own. I'm not sure how it got to be that we three could be living together. I think it may have something to do with the fact that none of us really has anyone else that can help us other than... us. Brandon and Carolyn would be going to college, while I would be taking the year off to experience some new things. With the way my mother is at home, I cannot live here another year. And there's no one I'd trust more to live with than Brandon and Carolyn.

I should mention that I've never met either of them. And to some that's absolutely insane to even consider living with someone you've never met. I don't see it as so. Our trio of a friendship is strange and confusing at times, but it's always something that you can just tell is cherished by all of us, even if we never really express it. And to me, I believe it's doing the right thing, for myself and all of us, that we live together.

I turn 18 this Sunday, on the 19th. I'm homeschooled. I live in the middle of nowhere, in a cramped trailer. We've lived in this piece of shit for the last 5 or 6 years, while we on-and-off build our log home, no more than 10 feet from the trailer. It's too cramped. There's no privacy. My mom, being the way she is (and me being how I am), we're never getting along. This all sounds like the same story of any teenager, and I don't expect to convince you to change your stance on the issue, or viewpoint. This blog isn't for someone who may be reading to judge me or what have you. It's for me. Plain and simple.

Let me explain my mom. I found the perfect metaphor for it just yesterday as I was writing one of my dearest friends: I, being the unstoppable force, constantly come in contact with her, the immovable force. She's the dictator of our household. One sly look of the eye, and everyone knows what she could be saying: Something along the lines of, "Don't fuck with me, I'm in charge here."

I can't live with her anymore. I love her, I really do. But I think we're too much the same for either of us to stand the other one.

On the car ride here today, to the library (since the laptop is out of commission, haha), I brought up Brandon, Carolyn, and I living together. It was the first time I had. She kind of shunned it aside, thinking I was just talking to myself more than anyone (or so she pretended). "Here we go again," she said. She really was ignoring me, not wanting to confront it. A little later I said that Carolyn and I had decided that all three of us should meet, soon, so that we could make a decision as to if we should move in together or not. The purpose of this meeting is purely to see if we can remotely get along in person. I then proceeded to tell my mom about Carolyn and mine's plan. She just said, "Uh huh. When were you thinking of doing this?"

"Weekend after this one."

When I told my mom this, she almost scoffed, in a patronizing kind of way. "I'm sorry to say this, but it will take more than a weekend for you guys to see if you can live together. Besides, we don't know these kids."

"So?" I replied.
"So we're not letting you go see these people you've never met."
"What are you going to do about it? I'll be 18."

She then took her finger and slammed it down on an imaginary table in the car as she spoke each word: "So-while-you'll-living-in-our-house-you'll-be-under-our-rules."

I said, "How am I supposed to get out and living on my own if I can't meet with them?"

"You can go to college."
"I'm not going to college next year, mom, remember?"
"We're not talking about this right now."

And just like that, the conversation was over. I won't be surprised if it's never brought up again by her. I think she feels I'm being a dumb kid, having stupid dreams that I'll never attain. Or maybe she's telling herself that, but in reality she just doesn't want to let me go. Or she feels I'm not ready to go out into the world yet.

I need to go sometime. And as for it taking more than a weekend for us to see if we're compatible roommates, I've just thought of something. Me and Brandon are pretty good at kind of reading people's emotions, their characteristics and personality. I think after two days with all of us together, me and him would have a pretty good idea of how we'd all fit together. Honestly, I think we'd get along just fine. But I'm not so wreckless as to go ahead and move to Michigan without even seeing first.

I don't care if my mom says I have to do as she says. I'm moving out at the end of the summer no matter what. I'll try bringing up this whole thing again tonight or tomorrow. If it turns out the same way as this one, I'll take my friend's advice: "...don't worry about moving out and just...don't worry. I remember how scared I was about telling my Mum that I was moving out, but I just decided to do it really quick like a plaster and rip it off. Everything turned out ok, look how happy I am now :) I'm a free agent, I have no bed time, I enjoy the cleaning and cooking, it's just all lovely. If you want to move out, just do it. You won't regret it, I promise. The confines of the home that your parents live in are just too much for anyone in my opinion. What you must start doing though is just having lazy nights in with Carolyn and Brandon."

That's what I look forward to the most: being a "free agent", as she put it. I'm a very responsible and mature person. I'm not like any other person my age, and the same goes for Brandon and Carolyn. All three of us have grown up in three separate living conditions, all of them shitty. And it's only made each of us all the more ready to take on the world, for lack of a better phrase.

I think we can do it. And if Carolyn's able to, we will do it.

Calls Reduced

2005-10-30T08:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm about to go to church in a little bit. I forgot to mention that Katie said she was sorry for what she did to me. And she said 'I love you' before me in the middle of our talk. And we said it again before we said good-bye. She mentioned that her grandparents didn't like me calling, and that I can only call once or twice a week. So since I talked to her yesterday, she said for me to either call today, or Wednesday. I chose Wednesday because (1) I won't be able to talk to her a whole lot today, and (2) I won't be able to talk to her later in the week. She also asked me to email her. I guess I should ask her when and on what days to call her, like a schedule (Sp?). Like every 3 days at 9pm her time, or something.

I haven't been able to check to see if Rachel wrote back yet. I hope she did. Otherwise, I might tell her how I feel.

My talk w/ Katie yesterday was great. A whole lot of laughs.

A Dash of the Foreboding

2005-10-30T01:54:00.000-04:00

Well, I got to talk to Katie at 9pm, (again, her time). We talked for 20 mins. It was cool, nothing bad or hurtful. Although she did say that she can't be in a relationship forever w/ one person, because she feels contrained. But she usually gets back together w/ the person. But if we break up again, it's over forever. Nothing back from Rachel yet.

Hopes

2005-10-29T12:25:00.000-04:00

Yay! I had loads of fun last night at the Harvest. After, we went to Wal-Mart, and I got to play Xbox 360. While I was in there, Katie called Lucas' phone, but I wasn't in the car. So on the way home, she called again, and asked how my day was. I said "fine." I asked if I could call her back, and we got disconnected or something. So when I got home, I called back, and I woke her up. She asked how my day was again. Then she said call her back today. And then she said 'I love you' before me. So when I went inside, I got on LW, and there was a message from Rachel! She said she was on vacation, and she wasn't ignoring me. Hehe, she called me honey! And at the end she said "Love Rachel xx." I wonder if she has the same feelings form? Oh well. On the next page is the topic where we first met.

http://www.golivewire.com/forums/topic.cgi?topic=196626

I know, I know, it's not the ideal topic to meet someone. But isn't she great!? 'Till later in the day.

Harvest

2005-10-28T13:25:00.000-04:00

Still no word from Katie. But like I've said, she doesn't get online in the morning before school. Too bad.

No word from Rachel, though she still hasn't been online for a while. Now I feel guilty for looking at her pictures again.

We got a thing called Harvest tonight at church. So I'll get to see the Fife's, the Hamilton's, and everybody else. I think we do worship, and then eat some food. Damn, that could mean I won't be able to call Katie. Hmmm. I guess I'll have to email her and tell her to call Lucas' phone at a certain time during Harvest. Or tell her that I might not be able to call her, but that I'll try.

Shopping

2005-10-28T01:26:00.000-04:00

Well, Katie said she loved me and doesn't want to be with Sean. I guess that's good. I'll try to call her tomorrow. She said Sean was "mixed", whatever that means.

We (Mom, Dad, and me) went into Northern Va. today. We went to George's surplus store in Annandale. I got size 7 boots, made out of canvas and leather. The BDU pants and jacket. A black tee shirt for under the BDU's, a pair of black tube socks, a blue belt for my dress blues and a green belt for my BDU, and another BDU jacket w/ the 82nd Airborne patch, a ranger patch, and the former soldier's jump wings! It's awesome.

2005-10-26T23:15:00.000-04:00

Still no word from Katie. Suppose she didn't get on today. Maybe tomorrow...

Bible Reading

2005-10-26T19:59:00.000-04:00

Still nothing from Katie. I'm guessing she didn't just have practice after school. D6 (Division_Six, another friend like Rev), said he was hoping she wouldn't have broken my heart. It's good to know other people care for me, just like I care about them.

Rachel hasn't written back yet, either. But I checked, and she hasn't been online since the 21st.

I guess that's it for now. I wish Katie would write back or call. I'd like to write something from the Bible:

And now I will show you the best way of all.
I may speak in different languages of people or even angels. But if I do not have love, I am only a noisy bell or a crashing cymbal. I may have the gift of prophecy. I may understand all the secret things of God and have all knowledge, and I may have faith so great I can move mountains. But even will all these things, if I do not have love, then I am nothing. I may give away everything I have, and I may even give my body as an offering to be burned. But I gain nothing if I do not have love.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil but is happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always remains strong.
Love never ends. There are gifts of prophecy, but they will be ended. There are gifts of speaking in different languages, but those gifts will stop. There is the gift of knowledge, but it will come to an end. The reason is that our knowledge and our ability to prophesy are not perfect. But when perfection comes, the things that are not perfect will end. When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I stopped those childish ways. It is the same with us. Now we see a dim reflection, as if we were looking into a mirror, but then we shall see clearly. Now I know only a part, but then I will know fully, as God has known me. So these three things continue forever: faith, hope, and love. And the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Discontinued

2005-10-26T15:37:00.000-04:00

Well, we ended up not going to No. Va. today. Most likely tomorrow.

No word from Rachel yet. Don't know if she's been on LW today, though I'll check later.

No word from Katie, either. But she usually doesn't get on before school now. Hopefully she'll get on after, which is in 30 mins. Or an hour and 30 mins if she has practice. I wonder what she'll say.

It's so beautiful outside right now. The sun is shining. The air is fresh and crisp from the recently arrived fall season. The leaves are beautiful w/ their many different colors. I just wish I had someone I loved to share it with.

Plans

2005-10-26T00:28:00.000-04:00

You're not going to believe this! Well, maybe you will. Katie wants to get back together. Big surprise, eh? I said no. Not unless we both know we'll spend the rest of our lives together. Because I'm not setting myself up to be hurt again. Still waiting to see what she says.

Nothing from Rachel, yet. Though she hasn't been on LW in a couple days. So I guess that's ok.

Gotta go into Falls Church, Annandale, and lots of other places tomorrow, or rather today. Going to get my BDU (Battle Dress Uniform) for CAP. And I believe we're going to see an IMAX movie. Yay! Can't wait to see "Operation: Red Flag!"

Horrible Joke

2005-10-25T16:52:00.000-04:00

I printed out 3 pictures of Rachel and put them in my wallet. I don't know what it is about her that makes me go to her. She still hasn't replied yet. Hehe, I don't know if I can hold my promise to her. I guess I'll have to apologize, and then explain how I feel about her. Everything about her is so cute!

Here's what I emailed Katie to mess w/ her:

"Hey,
Just thought I'd email you one last time. I have to ask you some questions just so I know. First, how long have you been bullshitting me? Did you ever really love me, or did you just have fun playing with my emotions? Congratulations, you succeeded in making me feel like nothing. I hope you take pleasure in knowing what you did to me is why I'm killing myself."

Think I'm crazy for doing that?

People I've been PMing w/ are extremely nice and caring. One guy is really cool. He said that his ex called after not talking to 'im for a month. Apparently, her sister said she still likes him. He says it's good that I'll say "No" if Katie trys to get back together. I also told him about Rachel, and he thought it's pretty cool. 'Till later.

The Email That Could've Been Written Better

2005-10-25T12:41:00.000-04:00

Here's the email from Katie:

"yes my baby daddy don't like me talkin to u an if u call me again im gettin my cell taken away so i cxan't talk tou except online so don't call me ok an i don't want to be with u srry love ya bye"

Pretty, isn't it? Stupid bitch. I hope she likes my email where I messed w/ her. This is just one of many things that convinced me that she never loved me. My reply to this one is on the next page.

Here we go:

"wow. could you have been anymore harsh? that really, really hurts me. i already told you that it hurt me when you said your "baby's daddy." why do you have to say it again? please ignore how incredibly pissy i'm being right now, but like i said, that really hurt. so i guess i'll never get to talk to you again. 'cause we can't talk on the phone, and i'm hardly ever online. i honestly thought we'd be together forever. god i'm such an idiot! and please don't give me that crap about how we might get together again. and trust me, i know it's crap. i know you love him, and he's very lucky. i only wish i could be him. i hope you two actually do get to live together forever and ever. i love you so much, so please don't make it any harder for me by trying to make us friends again, because it just won't work. especially since sean and your grandparents don't like me. i don't know if i can keep my promise to you now, either. you were my life. and now that i can't have you, i don't know what i'll do. i love you sooo much.
for all the times you've read me your poems when you didn't want to, i thought i'd return the favor by sending you one i wrote for you. though i know it's not anywhere near as good as anyone else's poems, especially yours.

She is all I have in life.
All I hold dear.
All I care about.
All I could not live without.
All I would die without.
She is all I love.

i'm so sorry for anything i've to ever, EVER hurt you. specifically this email. but i just had to right it, because these feelings have been stacking up inside me. i will always love you. i will always remember you. but i know that you don't love me, if at all, in nearly the same way. i can't believe it took us 10 months to figure that out. i just have one last question to ask you. why did you pretend to love me near the end, when you were going out with him? why didn't you just tell me straight out, instead of leading me along, lying to me?"

Nice, eh?

My Resolve

2005-10-24T20:08:00.000-04:00

Haven't gotten the chance to mess w/ Katie yet. Though I will. Everyone on LW is feeling for me. Almost all of them said I can PM them if I wanted to talk. I think I'll do that. Explain how I want to hold on to someone.

Rachel hasn't sent me anything in awhile. So I PMed her and said I liked what we were talking about. And I also said it'd be the last time I annoyed her if she didn't respond. Hehe, I asked if she thought I was a freak or something 'cause I keep PMing her.

I pray to God now that He provide me w/ someone in my arms very, very, very soon. Or let me and Rachel get together. She is my last try for a long-distance relationship. Otherwise, it'll be strictly people I can see face-to-face. I should be able to get online later.

My Agenda

2005-10-24T16:13:00.000-04:00

Well, I've decided that if Katie wants to get back together, I'll say "No". I'm not an idiot. Not an object she can toy with. I'm not setting myself up for to hurt me again. I can't fuckin' believe she lied to me this whole time. I wonder if everything was just shit. Everything. The dreams, the "baby's daddy," the love. That bitch. Dare I call her later to get her in trouble? think I'll send her an email later asking these questions:

>How long have you been bullshitting me?
>Did you ever really love me?
>Or did you just have fun playing w/ my feelings?
>What the hell is wrong w/ you?
>Congrats, you succeded in making me feel like nothing. I hope you're happy that you're the reason I killed myself.

Yep, I'm gonna toy w/ her emotions now.

False Sense of Care

2005-10-24T13:42:00.000-04:00

At least people on LW care for me. I made a topic about how she dumped me, and how I needed a hug. So many people are showing compassion for me.

The Love That Is No More

2005-10-24T13:38:00.000-04:00

Katie and I aren't together anymore. Turns out Sean didn't like me calling her. She was really a bitch in her email too. I'll try to print out her email and the one I replied to her with, and put them in here later.

[Image that no longer exists!]
^That's the picture I DID have up on my wall. I'm so fucking pissed at her right now. I'm convinced she never cared for me. Ever.

It's All In the Lyrics

2005-10-24T00:09:00.000-04:00

I never did call Katie earlier. I don't know why! I wanted to, I just didn't. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow and leave a message. I guess to kill time, I'll write out lyrics from songs that remind me of Katie:
>Goo Goo Dolls - Dizzy:
"Everything that you are, Falls from the sky like a star."
>Slide:
"Could you whisper in my ear, the things you wanna feel? I'll give you anything. To feel it comin'... I wanna wake up where you are. I won't say anything at all. So why don't you slide?.. Don't you love the life you killed? The priest is on the phone. Your father hits the wall. Your mother disowned you... And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete. Little pieces, Of a nothing, That fall. Put your arms around me. What you feel is what you are, And what you are is beautiful You wanna get married, And runaway."
>Black Ballon
"Baby's Black Balloon needs to fly. Almost fell into my whole in the night. And you were thinking 'bout tomorrow, 'Cause you were the same as me... How could I hae been the one? I saw the world swim beneath you, And scatter like ice from the spoon..."

More comin' some other time.

The Deliberation for a Phone Call

2005-10-23T20:10:00.000-04:00

Fuck. Still no email from Katie. I think I'm gonna call her later tonight. Should I? She may think I just started not calling her, so I would forget her. One of the thoughts running through my head is that she got back together w/ Sean. But still, she didn't even say 'I love you' when I said it to her. Which also makes me not want to call her. It makes me want to wait for her to call me. I just don't know what to do. Maybe call her to tell 'er to get online, write me back, then she can call me back? I wonder... Rev (short for Revenant; one of my friends online), thinks my idea of waiting for to call me is a smart one. And he knows all the details of mine and Katie's realationship almost as much as I do. I think I'll call her and tell her to get online to check her emails.

Don't Speak

2005-10-23T19:39:00.000-04:00

No calls from Katie yet. Still haven't been able to check my email. :( I guess I'll have to ask ask Anne to print out any emails from Katie, later. 'Till later.

The Photo That Got Away

2005-10-22T21:22:00.000-04:00

[Images that no longer exist!]

Isn't she great? I guess it is possible to love two different people! Of course, I do love Katie more! 'Till later.

A Sliver of Hope

2005-10-22T21:06:00.000-04:00

Still no word from Katie. Except she did try to call Lucas' cell from her friend's cell at around 3pm. Too bad I wasn't w/ the phone. I stayed home while they all went to a movie showing. I'll try to check my mail again later. No word from Rachel, though she is growing on me. Is that wrong? I'm so overwhelmed with joy that Katie still cared enough to call. Hopefully she's gotten online. Until then, I decided to put pictures of Rachel. They go from what I think to be good to best.

Crap, be right back. Gotta feed the dogs.

Theories

2005-10-22T11:22:00.000-04:00

I had a pretty cool dream last night. I was on a train or bus or something (for a school trip) and I was laying down. So then this girl comes in and lays down with her back in my lap. She was so beautiful and her skin was so soft. Her hair was brunette, and it was shiny and smooth. It felt so good, and not in a sexual way, to have her in my lap. Problem is, I don't know who she is. It's not Katie, because she's a bit heavier. And it's not Rachel, 'cause she's a red-head. I think this dream could mean a number of things:

1. I really need someone to love me, and be in my arms.
2. She could've been a future girlfriend.
3. Mabe this girl in the CAP?
4. Me and Katie finally meet, and she loses some weight.

No word from Katie yet. I still have to check my inbox. Bye.

How To Be Unoriginal

2005-10-21T23:08:00.000-04:00

No word from Katie yet. I've decided not to call her again until she calls me. I read something in Black Hawk Down today that I thought directly applied to mine and Katie's current situation. I copied it tothe computer and sent it to her in an email:

"Hey,
I miss you so much. I've said it probably a thousand times, but I want things to be different, and I know they will be. I love you so much! I can't say it stronger. I want you to love me with all your heart. I think you already do, but just in case I want to prove to you that I'm worth it. You're the most important person in my life. I'm not going to lose sight of this ever again. I want you to know that I want to grow old with you. I want you to realize this because I can't do it all by myself. I know most of the problems are me and I want to change. Anyways, I can't say it enough, but I want to start doing things about it. Though I hate to say it, I don't think I'll be able to call you for awhile. You can call me. But right now I think I'm to depressed to call you. Please don't blame yourself, because you're not the reason I'm depressed.

I love you with all my soul Katie,
Josh"

I couldn't find the right words to explain how I felt to her until I read that. I believe God put the book in my hands so I could find that. 'Till later.

Give It To Me Straight

2005-10-21T12:57:00.000-04:00

When she didn't say 'I love you' back, my thinking she doesn't want to be w/ me increased. I just wish she'd come out and tell me, if she would rather be with someone else. I can't take this anymore. I have to know. I sent her an email, and it was kinda like this:
"Katie, this probably won't make any sense to you. But I felt so terrible today, that I felt like writing this.

"I'm sorry for everything. For some reason, I get the feeling that you'd rather be with someone else. If you do, I wish you'd just tell me. I think you'd be better off without me. I love you so much."

I feel like shit. I feel like any day now could be the last day of my life. I gotta go help Lucas w/ something, be right back.

Siamese Emotions

2005-10-21T12:43:00.000-04:00

I'm so fuckin' pissed and depressed right now. I'm pissed at Mariah. I'm depressed because when I said 'I love you' today to Katie, she didn't even say it back. She just said bye. I gotta go, Mom's being a bitch.

Gone Before I Knew It

2005-10-20T21:56:00.000-04:00

Well, I just got off the phone w/ Katie. She was doin' algebra homework. She had a good time when she went out for dinner. She also said that someone didn't like me calling, so I don't know what'll happen. I didn't quite hear who she said didn't like my calls. That disappoints me a lot 'cause I'm afraid we might not be able to talk on the phone anymore. :( All I can do is pray. I'll ask her tomorrow who didn't like my calling, and see if we can get around it.

No word, or email, from her yet, 'cause she hasn't been online lately. I'll also ask her to get online tomorrow.

I'm also really disappointed because she said bye, then I said "Alright, I love you." But she was already gone. I guess I'll have to send her another email.

Short Update

2005-10-20T13:54:00.000-04:00

Damn, haven't been able to get online yet. Lucas had to do his science, but mom said I could get on right after to check. So I'd say by 2:30pm I should know. Damn it! I just can't wait! Talk to you later. 3 hrs, 7mins 'till I call Katie!

Explaining Things to Deaf Ears

2005-10-20T12:00:00.000-04:00

Damn, I haven't even done any school yet. Oh well, I'll have to stop at one point today to cut my hair and take a shower before I go to the CAP meeting.

Man, I can't wait to see what Katie wrote me back if she got online this morning. I hope it didn't piss her off. God knows I didn't mean it to. I should be checking it soon, because I have to check my email to see if he History Channel Club wrote me back about something. So maybe in about 30 minutes I should know what Katie wrote back! Yay! I can't wait. There was important stuff in that email: I asked if she ever has dreams of us anymore. If she thinks we'll spend the rest of our lives together. If she thinks I'll ever be one of her baby's daddy. I also explained how I was hurt when she said, "I got high with my baby's daddy." And I told her about her driving up here w/ Sarah and Jake and pick me up and we all go to Canada. I also suggested that she come up here or I go down there on Christmas vacation or during the summer. And I said she could call me at anytime. I just have to see what she said to all that. 5hrs 'till I call Katie!

Shower Much?

2005-10-20T07:57:00.000-04:00

So I just got off the phone w/ Katie about 10 mins ago. It was a good call. She had actually just been laying there for awhile. Her cold's gone, so that's good. She's goin' out to dinner tonight with some friends. Not Sean, which I was glad to hear. Hehe, she took 4 showers yesterday. At first she wasn't gonna take one. Then she changed her mind. So she had to go, 'cause she had around an hour to take a shower, do her hair and make-up, and eat. She said call her later. Then we said our good-byes. With no 'I love you'. But that's ok, 'cause we said it in the middle of the call. Well, I got school to do, so more later.

Fluctuation

2005-10-19T21:41:00.000-04:00

Well, it turns out that Katie was getting high earlier when I called. Me asking her to promise to stop didn't go over too well. She assured me that she only does it every 6 months or so, so I guess that's ok for now. She said she was goin' to a fair on Friday and Saturday, with Sean, Dira, and lots of other people.

The most painful thing during the call was that she "got high with her baby's daddy." That just tore me up inside.

Though when I asked when she wanted me to call tomorrow she said: "I don't care, I just want you to call." That made me feel extremely good. But she asked me where I thought we were, and I said I thought we were together. I said, "Do you want to be together?" And she said, "I don't know. I don't know what I want." So we're together. How is it possible to be so happy and so depressed at the same time? Maybe we should arrange for me or her to go visit the other around Christmas or in the summer.

I should note that our call went in this order:
>Drug part / Daddy part
>Together part
>Call time part

So it got better, not worst, as we got talking. I guess I'll try her at 6:30am tomorrow. 9hrs and 50 mins 'till I call Katie!

Paranoia

2005-10-19T17:19:00.000-04:00

So I just called Katie at 5:10, and she said call back later. So we decided on 5pm. Though I feel weird, 'cause she said she was busy, and DeSean was there. :(. Hopefully I'm just being really paranoid. She really can't do anything anyway, since she's pregnant.

Who Wants Sausage?

2005-10-19T08:15:00.000-04:00

Horray! I got to talk to Katie this mornin! Though not at 6:30am (from now on, when I refer to a call time, it will always be here time). 'Cause she was in the shower. So I tried a couple times, with no answer. Then she calls back on Lucas' phone. And Lucas doesn't even tell me! Errrgh! Thank God I changed her ring tone, so I can tell if it's her, or someone else. And thank God I heard it. So I called her back, and we talked for 5 minutes. She was getting dressed when I called. So I asked if she had breakfast, she said no. I asked what she was having, she said "one piece of sausage." Haha, she needs more than that! (sausage has no hidden meaning, by the way.) Plus, she said her cold was getting worst. She has to stay home. But she won't. Obviously, she wants to do the best she can in school. Anywho, she said call at 4pm, so I will! More coming later.

Dreamy

2005-10-18T22:29:00.000-04:00

Just got off the phone with Katie. She was half asleep during the whole call, so she must've been really worn out from school, practice, and the meeting. My poor girl! So I asked her about her day and all, and she said nothing out of the ordinary happened. Haha, I asked if she got any homework, and she said no. Then she asked me if I got homework! We both laughed, and I said "Yeah, a whole days worth." It was really funny. And it made me happier. We were both having a good time, and since then it's as if nothing else matters. So once she said she was half-asleep, I said she'd better get to bed, and she said "Yep." After, I asked if I could call tomorrow, and she said yes, and agreed on 6:30 (her time). So I said 'I love you' and she said 'I love you too." Then we said our good-bye's, and now I'm here. God I love that girl! I thank God every day for her and for answering my prayers. 9 more hours 'till I call Katie!

To Play A Guitar

2005-10-18T16:59:00.000-04:00

Wow, I can't believe it's almost 5pm. I've been looking a lot at the pictures of Katie today. Everytime I do, I imagine us in a car driving on a freeway, the wind in our hair, laughing and having a great time. I can't wait 'till that day comes! No matter how unrealistic her plan sounds, I still think it's very possible.

I've decided to learn how to play the guitar. The first songs I'm going to learn? All of 'em are below:
Wake for Young Souls - 3EB
Crystal Baller - 3EB
Forget Myself - 3EB
Blinded (When I See You) - 3EB

Gotta go! 5hrs and 1 min. 'till I call Katie!

The First Road Trip

2005-10-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

Yay! I just remembered! Katie has to be 16 to be emancipated, but she's always saying she's gonna drive up here once she's 16 and has a liscense. She's gonna come w/ Sarah, and pick up Jake (Sarah's boyfriend) in North Carolina, then pick me up, and we're all gonna go to Canada. Haha, I can't believe I forgot about that! Forget emancipation, 'cause that'll take a year or more to go through! Getting her learner's and liscense should only take a couple months! Horray! 10 more hours 'till I call Katie! Bye.

Rearrangement

2005-10-18T11:13:00.000-04:00

Okey doke, here I am again. I did english and history for school already. I also rearranged everything on my top bunk. The boombox is on the corner, on top of the right speaker, w/ the left speaker on the left side of my pillow. The small TV is on top of the left speaker. All my books are on a shelf w/ the stero. (Lucas'). And my picture of Katie is no longer hidden behind the calendar. Now it is on the wall, hanging above my head. It's not easily seen, bit if anyone cared to lean this way or that, they'd be able to. I think I'll rearrange my other stuff hanging up. 10 hours, 47 minutes 'till I call Katie! Bue.

Guilty as Charged

2005-10-18T09:17:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but for some reason I'm feeling depressed. I called Katie at 6:30 (her time), and she was getting dressed for school. So I guess her grandpa woke her up. Unfortunately, she has practice after school, and then a meeting (probably a thing at school that'll last awhile), so she said call at 9pm her time. The great thing about Katie (among lots of others), is that when she says for me to call her, she means it. She's not just doing it to please me. So I know she wants me to call.

Maybe I feel depressed for talking to Rachel on LW. For saving her picture to the computer. I believe this is all it. I'm doing exactly what I suspected Katie of doing! God I'm an asshole! Why do I do it!? Maybe because it makes me feel good to know that I can please other girls? I don't know. But I'm gonna try to stay as uninvolved w/ Rachel as I can until we just stop sending PMs. I should've taken the chance yesterday. That's all for now. Bye.

A Case of the Goods

2005-10-17T23:45:00.000-04:00

Back. I had to bring the other dogs in. Anyway, I was trying to get a hold of Katie, but I didn't. But when I called at 9pm (her time), she answered. 'Cept she was busy w/ homework, and couldn't talk. I asked if I could call tomorrow morning, and I don't remember exactly what she said, but it was somewhere along the lines of "Of course!". That made me feel really good. So I'll call her tomorrow morning at 6:30am (her time). I best be getting to bed. Buh-bye.

Lots of Calls

2005-10-17T23:30:00.000-04:00

Well, I called Katie A LOT from 4pm 'till 10pm, trying... Be right back.

Et Cetera

2005-10-17T17:40:00.000-04:00

Damn, no answer. I'll try again at 6:30. Probably in the shower, after getting worked out at practice. Damn it I can't wait to talk to her! To just find out about her day. What she got for homework. Help her with homework. Etc., etc., etc. To profess my love to her again and again. Just to hear her sweet voice. Well, I'm bored again, so I think I'll just lay hear listening to music for as long as I can. Later!

Countdown

2005-10-17T17:30:00.000-04:00

Had to take the dogs out to pee. 6 mins... 5 mins 'till I call Katie... 4 mins... 3 mins... 2 mins... 1 min... Time to call Katie! Bye!

Conspiratorial Friends?

2005-10-17T17:09:00.000-04:00

Damn, Lucas took his CD wallet. Guess I'll put in Foo Fighters. Over and Out is the only song I like on this one of their discs. Here we go... now it's playing.

Katie. I love her. Secretly I think her friends may be convincing her to dump me. That is, her male friends. The ones who also want to be with her. I know her girlfriends like me. Or atleast they pretend to. Be back in a sec, mom's calling me.

Change the CD

2005-10-17T17:02:00.000-04:00

Tried to call Katie at 4, w/ no answer. I think she has practice today, but I thought it'd be worth a try. I'm gonna try again at 5:30, 'cause I think she'll be home then. Man I'm bored. I already did history, english, & spanish. Be right be, gonna go get another CD w/ 3EB on it.

Shaved It Up

2005-10-17T13:58:00.000-04:00

Hey, thought I'd put a couple pictures of Katie in here. After all, she's the subject of this whole journal. They're on the next page.

[Images that no longer exist!]

Isn't she perfect? I have one more picture, but it's the best one, so I'm saving it for me. :D I told you before, and I'll say it again; she's an angel. Both in spirit and in her physical features. I'm blessed from God.

About that other picture. It's on my wall. Hidden behind a calendar I printed out. All I have to do is lift up the paper calendar, and there she is! I can't believe how lucky I am to even know her.

Well, I took a 30 minute shower today (wink, wink). I shaved, if you catch my drift. I can't believe that still turns me on. Though I was thinking of Katie the whole time. If only I'd been with her then, I would've made love to her. Baby smooth shave. Mom's calling, gotta go!

It's Back On

2005-10-17T00:25:00.000-04:00

Guess what?! Katie and I are back together! I'm so happy, and thank God for His miracle. May He forever bless me and Katie. May we forever be together. Good night.

To Write a Letter

2005-10-16T21:44:00.000-04:00

Well, Katie was in trouble when I called about 15 minutes ago, so she couldn't talk. She said call her in the morning. I'm sure you're tired of me talking about her entry after entry. But she is my life. I pray to God that He knows there is nothing more I want in life than to be able to hold her. Nothing. Not all the money, cars, girls, friends, or family in the world. All I want is her! Katie, my angel. An angel from God. The greatest angel in Heaven and earth. I honestly don't know what to write right now. I can never explain how special she is to me. If we grow apart, I don't know what I'd do. Though I do know one thing. I will never forget her. If we do, I hope she is happy w/ her man. That he doesn't mistreat her in any way. Most of all, I hope he's better than me. I don't want him to cause her pain that I've already inflicted upon her. Maybe I should write her a letter explaining my feelings to her. Not to make her feel guilty, or take me back, but just to let her know. I think I will.

Dissolve

2005-10-16T17:57:00.000-04:00

I actually didn't have to go. I wish I could lay down and wake up w/ Katie in my arms. All my problems would just disolve. I'm worn out. I'm going to lay down, listen to songs of Katie, and hope God will put her in my arms soon.

Introduction of Rachel

2005-10-16T17:54:00.000-04:00

Rachel. That is the name of a girl I've been PMing (private messaging) back and forth on the LW (LiveWire) forums. She's sweet and cute and nice. I think it may be just a crush, but it is also possible that it's love. I really like her, but she lives in England.

I feel so horribly guilty, cause I feel like I'm betraying Katie. I can't bear this weight on my soul. And I don't think I can ask God for help. After all, He's punishing me for something i've done. What it is I don't know. Is it possible to love two people? I'm afraid that's what has happened, because I still love my dear Katie, yet feel somewhat a little better because I think me and Rachel love each other too. Is that wrong? Again, I cannot take all this weight on my soul. In case anyone cares, I was actually tearing up during my last entry. I hope God takes plesure in knowing that he's succeded in ruining my life.

Be back in a couple minutes...

DeSean's Involvement

2005-10-16T17:30:00.000-04:00

Sorry, got cut off last night. Katie's pregnant. And I think we're taking a break again. This is getting to be too much for me. She says she doesn't love me the same way as I love her. :(

Can you guess who got her pregnant? DeSean. The guy who proposed to her. This all comes as a HUGE blow to me. I'm sure it sounds crazy, but I always thought we'd get married and have kids. Now I know that that's practically impossible. I just can't stand to think of her doing to DeSean what I thought we'd only do. Nobody can probably tell, but I'm crying eternally inside. I realize now that me and Katie have a 25% chance of a future together. That knowledge is eating me up inside. I want to be able to hold Katie in my arms. To kiss her. To hug her. And I can't! Plus, she doesn't want to be emancipated. Does anyone fuckin' know what this is like!? Does anyone fuckin' know what it's like not to be able to show your love!? To not be able to hold someone when you're hurt!? I feel like curling up and dying. I cannot express my love for her enough just by saying it. I have to see her. I have to touch her. I have to kiss her. I always thought I would. Maybe not extremely soon, but soon enough. And so I always took comfort in that. But now that I know that it's practically impossible that it will happen. As of last night, we were "just friends". Yet this morning when I called her, we were back together. And then again before we hung up, we were friends again. That call lasted 8 minutes. 8 minutes! In 8 fucking minutes, I went from slightly depressed to incredibly happy, and then to incredibly depressed! I love her, and I will not do anything to hurt her. I jsut don't know how much I can take on this roller-coaster of emotion

Another thing that bothers me is that "we can be friends, but still say 'I love you' and stuff like that." What does that mean!? Why can't we be together then?

Maybe I should run away. If not, I don't know if I'll be able to keep my promise to her. Without her, my life is meaningless. I am nothing without her. Some people say you almost always break up with your first love. Why? So all people can go through misery? Oh, but you always find someone else! How the fuck am I supposed to? I never see any other girls. Maybe if mom would let me go to JWHS, I'd be a little more happy. And I most likely can't do long-distance again. Not unless I knew 100% that we would spend our lives together.

Because of this situation, I have to ask why God treats his people shit. Why does He give and take? Does He only care about Himself? Why does He cause me so much pain and suffering? IF ME AND KATIE AREN'T MEANT TO BE TOGETHER, THEN FUCKING END US ONCE AND FOR ALL! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!? God isn't all people make Him up to be. He's an asshole in my mind. Oh, He may care for other people and things, but I'm utterly convinced that He does not for me.

Short-lived

2005-10-15T20:35:00.000-04:00

Today was pretty

Contacting the Attorney General

2005-10-14T14:15:00.000-04:00

Sadly, I didn't get to talk to Katie this morning. I called at 6:30, and she didn't answer, so I tried again 5mins later. With no answer. I think she was probably in the shower or eating. Anyway, I emailed her today, so I should be getting a reply before I have to go to youth group. Unless she goes to the game. I hope she has a good time if she does.

I posted on the LiveWire forums about Katie emancipating herself. People seem to think it's a worthy cause, and not pointless. But unfortunately, it seems she has to be 16 to get emancipated. But I'm gonna email the Escambia County attorney and him some questions:
>How old do you have to be (at the minimum) to emancipate yourself in Fl.
>Can the emancipated child be adopted, or must the child simply move in w/ a new family?
>Are verbal abuse and not taking the child to a doctor for prescribed drugs enough for emancipating oneself, or possibly going to a foster family?
>Can the child choose the foster family?
>Can the foster family live in a different state?
>Or must the elligible family be in Florida?
>How long does the process of emancipation usually take, from start to finish?
>How strong must the evidence of verbal abuse and failure to care for the child properly be?
>Once emancipated, will the child have to attend public school?
>If child requests education, but unable to attend school since being emancipated, be "un-emancipated"?
>Will the "un-emancipated" child be forced to return to his legal guardian/parents?
>Or put up for adoption?

That's all I can think of right now, but I'll let you know what the attorney says.

Disturbed Her

2005-10-13T23:04:00.000-04:00

...Sorry, I got sidetracked when I went to feed the dogs. Any who, I just got off the phone w/ Katie at 10:43. I felt so bad because she was hurting again, and trying to get to sleep. So I disturbed her. So after she said all that (excluding the disturbed part), we agreed that I'd call her tomorrow at 6:30am her time. Again, she didn't say 'I love you' at the end, probably because she was tired, and she was hurrying. But it's ok; I know she loves me, and she knows I love her. I wonder if she feels the same as me when I don't say 'I love you'? Hmmm... Well, for the first time (and possibly only time), I will mention something else.

I went to my 4th or 5th CAP (Civil Air Patrol - Air Force Auxilliary) and it was pretty cool. I'm almost 100% sure that I'll join. Then it'll be me, Evan, and Ian, all in CAP. But enough about that. ( :) )

I'm really looking forward to talking to Katie in 8 1/2 hours. I pray to God that she'll be able to talk for atleast 15mins, or if not that, then a whole lot of talking on Saturday. Good night....